Feel Guilty About Enjoying Life

[Gabben]

Yet it's very hard to turn off the guilt of basically abandoning her in her final months. 

Your NM sounds a lot like my NM but after reading your post I felt gratitude in that mom, unlike yours, has healed over the years and CAN be loving as well as been able to acknowledge the pains she gave me growing up, which like your pain were the name calling and more; although my mom did not use the silent treatment that much she was full of punishment and did not know the meaning of unconditional love.

When reading your post I see a big person who can override the pain of the past, if not at least for a short while, to be there for your mom in her last months, it touched me that you could carry her with love and compassion even though she was so abusive to you.

[JustKathy]

Ami, I wouldn't say that I have a vision for myself. More like a desire to just feel normal . . . to get up in the morning and not have a single reminder of what my N did to me, and have it just be GONE. There's a song by Everclear called "Father of Mine," that's about parental abuse. There's a line in there that says "I will always be weird inside." That's exactly how I feel. Interesting . . . that lyric would fit perfectly in the "Six-Word Memoirs" thread. I've always related to that song, mainly that one line, because it just says it so perfectly.

[Ami]

Oh Kathy
 I understand SOOOO how you feel. I do have a memory of feeling normal and that is what I am striving to get back to. It is a beacon for me in the dark. I had confidence and trust in myself once.  I felt that I was "someone" and "something" a long time ago. I want to get it back. I want to be "someone" again not this amorphous blob.          Ami

[Ami]

Dear Kathy
 I was thinking about your F in the middle of the night. I see you coming out of denial about him as I am trying to do with mine. Your facing yours has given me strength to come out of more denial about mine. Also, we must for any quality of life.
 I HAD to make my F wonderful b/c my M was a monster. He was not mean or scary but he simply did not really care. I MADE him in to s/one who really cared  and would protect me .
 I had recurrent dreams for my entire life,from childhood on, that I was at various places and I called my F to pick me up and he wouldn't. I was at a store, the subway station, a hospital etc. When I needed him the dream would go in to slow motion like I could not dial the phone or could not walk to get to a place to find a phone but the underlying feeling was that he would not help me.
 I always had the dreams about him b/c my M was obvious. He was hidden , to me, b/c I NEEDED to believe that I was precious to one parent.
 I can see him now, I think.
My M is the sun to him and he revolves around her in  a mindless loyal way as an animal would a master.
 He CAN be "strong" with me to push me away IF he is doing the dog's job of protecting his master.The master calls all the shots and he is mindless.
 That is what happened. They were always a duo.
 I think I may have lost my mind if I saw it but my unconscious knew all along.              XXOO   Ami

[ann3]

Ami,

Oh, Honey:  That is such a HUGE revelation about your F & how you now see , understand & comprehend that they were always a duo.  I went thru the same thing.  For me, at first, it was devastating.  I looked back at my life & felt like I lived in an illusion, a delusion.  What was real?  What wasn't real?  And I felt disgusted with myself that I could be so duped.  It's incredibly painful to come out of denial.  Little by little, I began to accept the truth & see that my NM & NF were damaged and that they did the best they could do.  I think this is something I have learned:  People do the best they can do with what they have at that time.  Often, the best they can do is often insufficient & damaging and I've come to accept that.  That is how things were.  Now that I can accept what my NFOO was, I can also accept why I was blinded by denial.  We used denial to protect ourselves. 

My T said something to me recently which was so helpful:  Referring to the past, she said "It's over".  Those are 2 very simple words, but they resonated deeply with me:  The past is over.  I think it's imperative to understand & review our past, so that we can understand the present, but, I don't have to LIVE in the past.  So, living within all that FOO dysfunction IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!  I can now accept the past, accept all the dysfunction & my ambiguous feelings about the past, but, I don't have to LIVE in the past.  Instead, I can take all the info & tools which I have acquired, reject the ways of past FOO dysfunction & chose NEW healthier ways & thereby Live in the present.

Kathy,
 I know it hurts to go thru the stuff you are going thru, but, I know you'll get thru it.  Give yourself time, be gentle with yourself.  You're probably undoing a lifetime of denial re: your FOO, so it takes time.

IMO, we should congratulate ourselves & celebrate our courage to look at the truth & make our journey out of denial.  We rock!!

love to ya both,
ann

[Ami]

Ami,

Oh, Honey:  That is such a HUGE revelation about your F & how you now see , understand & comprehend that they were always a duo.  I went thru the same thing.  For me, at first, it was devastating.  I looked back at my life & felt like I lived in an illusion, a delusion.  What was real?  What wasn't real?  And I felt disgusted with myself that I could be so duped.  It's incredibly painful to come out of denial.  Little by little, I began to accept the truth & see that my NM & NF were damaged and that they did the best they could do.  I think this is something I have learned:  People do the best they can do with what they have at that time.  Often, the best they can do is often insufficient & damaging and I've come to accept that.  That is how things were.  Now that I can accept what my NFOO was, I can also accept why I was blinded by denial.  We used denial to protect ourselves. 

My T said something to me recently which was so helpful:  Referring to the past, she said "It's over".  Those are 2 very simple words, but they resonated deeply with me:  The past is over.  I think it's imperative to understand & review our past, so that we can understand the present, but, I don't have to LIVE in the past.  So, living within all that FOO dysfunction IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!  I can now accept the past, accept all the dysfunction & my ambiguous feelings about the past, but, I don't have to LIVE in the past.  Instead, I can take all the info & tools which I have acquired, reject the ways of past FOO dysfunction & chose NEW healthier ways & thereby Live in the present.

Kathy,
 I know it hurts to go thru the stuff you are going thru, but, I know you'll get thru it.  Give yourself time, be gentle with yourself.  You're probably undoing a lifetime of denial re: your FOO, so it takes time.

IMO, we should congratulate ourselves & celebrate our courage to look at the truth & make our journey out of denial.  We rock!!

love to ya both,
ann

Dear Ann
 You said exactly what I needed to hear.Want to hear s/thing funny( NOT really)? When I saw your name, I thought you were gonna say,"Stop complaining." This is MY own lack of sense of self, not you.
Then, when I read it, I was  relieved b/c you understood so well.
 I realize that I always expect harshness  b/c that was what I always got. Kindness and tenderness seem strange to me. I am like a dog who was abused and cringes expecting criticism.
    I do get that there is a time when the past IS the past. I am hoping that as I let these distortions go(the NM messages), I will walk through the door from the past to the present as a natural thing.        XXXOO    Ami

[ann3]

"I realize that I always expect harshness  b/c that was what I always got. Kindness and tenderness seem strange to me. I am like a dog who was abused and cringes expecting criticism."

Ami, my Dear,

Yes, this is all part of it:  You realize that you automatically expected harshness because that's how you were conditioned.  I was always so grateful for a crumb of kindness.   I learn new things every day.  In this process, we reprogram the negative tapes in our heads minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

No, don't get "over" it, go "thru" it.  We are making a conscious decision to look at the truth & it hurts like hell.  But, we are so freaking brave to do it & there's a big payoff in the process:  self knowledge & acceptance.

xoxo,
ann

[Gabben]

My T said something to me recently which was so helpful:  Referring to the past, she said "It's over".  Those are 2 very simple words, but they resonated deeply with me:  The past is over.  I think it's imperative to understand & review our past, so that we can understand the present, but, I don't have to LIVE in the past.  So, living within all that FOO dysfunction IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!  I can now accept the past, accept all the dysfunction & my ambiguous feelings about the past, but, I don't have to LIVE in the past.  Instead, I can take all the info & tools which I have acquired, reject the ways of past FOO dysfunction & chose NEW healthier ways & thereby Live in the present.

Thank you for this ann, this was something that I needed to read and reflect on, the ways that I stay stuck in the past, a habit of mine that I have not let go of just yet.

Lise

[ann3]

Hi Lise,

You know what my new mantra is?  "It's Over".  I repeat these 2 simple words to myself over & over.  In fact, after my T said them to me, I walked for an hour, just saying to myself, in a soft but audible whisper "It's Over" & "It's Over & I never have to do it again".  Wow, I felt so freeking FREE after that.   So now, when those negative NFOO tapes play in my head, I audibly whisper to myself "It's Over" & I feel better.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

This thread has turned out so well. I like it when a thread morphs and changes shape as this one did.It was really helpful and so many people contributed. Thank you!                 Ami

[JustKathy]

The master calls all the shots and he is mindless.
 That is what happened. They were always a duo.

Wow! You described my family dynamic perfectly. Yes, they WERE a duo. I couldn't accept that at the time, but I see it now.

Someone here recommended the book by Dr. Sam Vaknin, so I did some research on him, and have done some reading on his web site. He talks about a certain personality trait (can't recall the exact term) where people actually seek out Ns to have relationships with. They NEED to be with Ns because they cannot function independently, outside of the "animal/master" arrangement. My father was in that relationship for 50 years, and I'm guessing his mother was also an N, therefore he was used to it. I watch my brother's N wife abuse the crap out of him, and he also complies like a trained puppet, because he grew up with an N mother and doesn't have any frame of reference for what is normal. Seems to be a pattern for male children of N mothers.

Ann, yes, I DID have a lifetime of denial. Part of me still wants to deny it, but recent events have been so painful that I now see pretty clearly that I was in denial. Honestly, it may be for the best that I discovered the truth now. When my M was diagnosed terminal, I actually thought I had gotten lucky, because I would have a few years left to spend quality time with my F. Here I would have been taking care of him, visiting him, buying him lunch, maybe even paying for elder care, unbeknownst to me that he had cut me from his will on M's insistence. I would have found out after he passed away, and the golden child walked off with everything. He would have totally taken advantage of me, only to turn around and burn me. (And I don't mean burned by not getting any inheritance, but burned with the hurt of being thrown under the bus in favor of the GC). So best that I found out now, while I still have some years ahead of me to heal. They took a good part of my life, but they didn't get all of it, so moving on!

Kathy

[Ami]

The master calls all the shots and he is mindless.
 That is what happened. They were always a duo.

Wow! You described my family dynamic perfectly. Yes, they WERE a duo. I couldn't accept that at the time, but I see it now.

Someone here recommended the book by Dr. Sam Vaknin, so I did some research on him, and have done some reading on his web site. He talks about a certain personality trait (can't recall the exact term) where people actually seek out Ns to have relationships with. They NEED to be with Ns because they cannot function independently, outside of the "animal/master" arrangement. My father was in that relationship for 50 years, and I'm guessing his mother was also an N, therefore he was used to it. I watch my brother's N wife abuse the crap out of him, and he also complies like a trained puppet, because he grew up with an N mother and doesn't have any frame of reference for what is normal. Seems to be a pattern for male children of N mothers.


Kathy

I know just what you mean in Vaknin. They never even developed as far as the N(God help us) and so they must find an N and revolve around them.
 I felt really hopeless today as I faced this.          Ami
 

[seasons]

Ami,

Thanks great thread.  Thank you for digging deeper.

You know what my new mantra is?  "It's Over".  I repeat these 2 simple words to myself over & over.  In fact, after my T said them to me, I walked for an hour, just saying to myself, in a soft but audible whisper "It's Over" & "It's Over & I never have to do it again".  Wow, I felt so freeking FREE after that.   So now, when those negative NFOO tapes play in my head, I audibly whisper to myself "It's Over" & I feel better.

xoxo,
ann

ann
I love this and am going to give it a try myself. It sounds soothing, while releasing and letting the old go.  "FREEKING FREE" way to go!!!
xo seasons

[Ami]

Sometimes ,I feel silly for putting these threads out there but these last ones have really helped me and it seems,other people. I feel very happy today about that.                           XXXOOO   Ami

[Gabben]

Ami - there are a lot of threads that I would like to start but that feeling of being silly stops me. I commend your courage for writing these threads.

Hugs,
Lise