Chatting

[Musician]

Is it possible to chat with other members online in this forum?
I just discovered this website and would like to talk to someone live.

[Moonflower]

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[Anonymous]

Sure Moonflower,
My name is Daniel and I suffer from bouts of depression. I sometimes think I'm a narcissist because my self esteem fluctuates, I am in counseling and talked this over with him. He said that I'm not a narcissist, just being hard on myself. Anyway, I'm just looking for a support group and have been doing research online about depression etc...
I didn't feel like going in to work today, so I didn't (lol)
I'm thinking about making a career change and just looking for some empathic people to chat with. I've had a real hard life, but see glimmers of hope every now and then. Is it just me, or do others have to pump themselves up just to get out of bed in the morning. Remind yourself you're not such a bad person. Because I am an extrovert, I draw my energy from being around other people. I like to be "on" which I describe as being positive and energized, but it's exhasting and I'll often sink into depression. I take medication for depression. I think I may suffer from some Anxiety disorder. I am currently taking prescription medication for that. I have Social Anxiety, but am trying to associate with people who are positive and uplifting. I can really be alot of fun. Is it just me, or does anyone else ever suffer from personality conflicts. I always believed I could get along with anyone. Is it just me? OR IS IT THEM (LOL)!
Thanks in advance for your input.
P.S. Does anyone here ever get depressed?

[Anonymous]

No it's not just you! Yes, I get depressed. Yes I have trouble getting out of bed some days. It's because of my childhood. How about you? Bad childhood? Want to talk more? Cheers...

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Daniel,

P.S. Does anyone here ever get depressed?

Yep!!!

By the way, I have had an anxiety disorder as well, since adolescence (now in my 30's).   Depression is a common thing that very often goes hand in hand with anx. disorders.  

I'm not entirely sure if it is for biological reasons or situational reasons (how too much anx. affects one's life).  

Take care,

BT

[Anonymous]

Hi David,

I suffer from depression too... for as long as I can remember.   I'm kinda thinking it goes with the N territory.  My Nmother has had depression, and other psych problems all her life.  My brother and youngest sister also have depression.  I am not sure about the second oldest daughter, as she really doesn't want any communication with the rest of us, only with our Nmom.  I suspect she is pretty narcissist herself.  We all had a crappy childhood, thanks  to an abusive narcisist mother, and a disinterested alcoholic father.  

As for my depression, I did pretty well on Paxil for a few years, then it seemed to lose it's effectiveness.  I've tried a few other meds in the past couple of years,  but they didn't seem to work nearly as well ... and forget Welbutrin, that make me angry and anxious.    There have been periods of time where I haven't wanted to get out of bed.  I started to call in at work too often, so finally I just retired at 45.  I could kick my butt now.  

I don't get a whole lot of energy from other people.  I have always been family oriented, that is...my husband, two children and now my one month old grandson.   I haven't had any contact with my mental case Nmom, and feel all the better for it.    Don't feel bad if you don't get along with every single person.  There are some people you are going to like, and some you won't, and visa versa.  Not every personality gels, and that is perfectly okay.

I am sorry you have had a hard life David.   Why do you feel that you may be a narcissist?  Do you have a Nparent?   Most narcissists would never even consider themselves to have the disorder.  It is everyone else who has the problem...never them.  

Hopefully your glimmers of hope will come more often, and shine brighter.    

Moonflower

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your support Moonflower.

I thought that I was Narcissist because I thought I had lost the ability to empathize.  Sometimes when someone gives me bad news I feel awful that I don't feel more empathetic. What I've learned about myself however is that I care a great deal what others think of me. Too much so in fact. This is the source of a great deal of my anxiety. I ask those closest to me if they think I am self centered, etc..., they always, unequivocally answer no. One friend did comment though that he thought I cared too much what others thought of me. This makes me lean towards being a people pleaser and alot of times I feel like I have a plastic grin on my face . Although I have this insight it's still difficult to control and not care what others think. I hope that with time, this will diminsh.  (I'm only 34 years old)This anxiety has also led to depression. I feel I've made alot of progress though in the past few months and those closest to me are amazed at how much I've grown. Partly this can be attributed to medication, partly to my willing to take risks again. I started dating after perhaps ten years of not dating.(Can you imagine? Nearly ten years!) I entered a relationship that was the most rewarding I have ever been in in my adult life, albeit short term. She had to move away, but we remain friends and I keep in touch with her. My mother suffered from severe depression most of her life, God bless her though because I know she loves me alot and I recently made a decision to focus on the positives in my upbringing. No parent is perfect, and learning to love and forgive is probably the best decision I can make. I feel a little ambiguous though because in therapy, I focus on the Negative aspects of my upbringing; and they are there to be certain. My Mom may have been a Narcissist, I don't know, but if that's true I can forgive her and truly empathize because I know that deep inside she's hurt so much. Honestly, I'm not sure what a Narcissist is, but if anything like my Mom, they need more compassion and love from us than most people.
God Bless Yall
Danny
P.S. I'm also learning to love myself, and that's going to be the main ingredient in becoming whole once more. Last night I was able to be alone for the first time in a long time and be content. It was an awesome feeling. This morning I woke up to feelings of melancholy and when I went out to walk the dog, I became anxious, wondering what others were thinking of me. So two steps foward, one step back LOL.
I'll keep yall posted.
Moonflower, I'm sorry for your upbringing. I can only imagine what it must have been like to have an Nmom and an alcoholic father. You sound very caring and compassionate yourself though and it sounds like you've overcome alot.  Thanks again for your feedback.
D.

[bunny]

I thought that I was Narcissist because I thought I had lost the ability to empathize.  Sometimes when someone gives me bad news I feel awful that I don't feel more empathetic.

Welcome, Daniel. I wonder if you have a high ideal of "how empathic" one should be upon hearing bad news; and fear you don't live up to this ideal. I feel almost nothing when I hear bad news - and I don't think I'm a narcissist. I defend against anxiety, panic, etc., by going numb and into "pragmatic" mode.

I ask those closest to me if they think I am self centered, etc..., they always, unequivocally answer no.

Unfortunately these reassurances are only going to last a short time before you need them again. Eventually you won't have to take a poll, you will know whether you're being self-centered at any moment. You're in the process of getting to know yourself.

I feel a little ambiguous though because in therapy, I focus on the Negative aspects of my upbringing; and they are there to be certain.

If you don't talk about it in therapy, it will still be there. So it's good that you are talking about it.

Last night I was able to be alone for the first time in a long time and be content. It was an awesome feeling. This morning I woke up to feelings of melancholy and when I went out to walk the dog, I became anxious, wondering what others were thinking of me. So two steps foward, one step back.

It's normal to have a lot of anxiety after feeling "better" and "more together." Certain parts of the psyche dislike moving forward, and are more invested in maintaining a status quo. These parts have to be acknowledged, but ultimately not obeyed.

bunny

P.S. You sound empathic to me.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Bunny,

Has anyone ever seen the movie "What about Bob.", Well in the movie, the psychiatrist ,played by Richard Dreyfus, tells Bob, played by Bill Murray, to take a vacation from his problems. That's what I'd like to be able to do. I'm too hard on myself and get hard on myself about being hard on myself, if youy know what I mean. I think depression lends itself to being self absorbed and visa versa. Anyway, I have lost the ability in part to enjoy myself. Sometimes I think I enjoy myself, but later I wonder if it was real. I'd like to be able to enjoy something passive like T.V. or movies again. Or the company of my friends. I think I can be self absorbed,but beating myself up about it only make me feel worse and probably causes me to be more so. I'd like to learn to lighten up and have fun. I get tired of talking about my problems, and people no doubt get tired of hearing about them.LOL.
 Well, I guess this is the nature of depression. God, does it ever get any better?
Dan

[bunny]

Last night I was able to be alone for the first time in a long time and be content. It was an awesome feeling.

If you can remember this feeling it would be useful. Depressive thinking tends to focus on analyzing and reliving the 'bad' feelings and that creates a 'feedback loop' which you know about. Remembering the good feelings may take an effort but give it a try. Another interesting thing is to make collages from magazine pictures. This is a way of expressing feelings that bypasses the rumination process. Action/physical exercise and imagination/creativity are ways out of depression (in addition to meds and therapy). It takes an effort to be active or to use one's creativity. It's the effort that's hard.

bunny

[Musician]

I feel like such a Narcissist. I'm painfully aware of some of my less desireable qualities. I can be manipulative and controlling. It's very subtle, especially with a roomate of mine who's got a big heart, but can be easily manipulated. When I'm doing it, I can't control it, even though I'm aware of it. It makes me feel like Dirt and I know that he's not aware of it. If he read this he would probably be on guard against me.
I can also be a total control freak. Another Narcissistic trait. I know I'm contradicting myself here, but sometimes I'm so wrapped up in myself that I can't empathize with anyone. Life is all about me and it shouldn't be.
There are other people in the world. I want desperately to be other people centered. Is there any hope for me? At the very least I'm aware of these traits, controlling them is another matter. Basically I think I'm a good person, just a little self absorbed is all.
I make an effort to do for others but sometimes it feels so contriven.
For example I mowed someones lawn that needed help and I'm going to be helping people move. I usually don't mine doing favors for people but I want it to come from the heart. Maybe I just have to go through the motions and the heart will follow. My friend, even though he goes through bouts of depression is not nearly as self absorbed as I am. He genuinely cares about others and is a very good listener.

[Wildflower]

Hi Musician,


A few years ago, I think I was in the same place you're in now.  I was self-centered, too, because I was so absorbed in my own problems.  I felt I couldn't move on until I 'fixed' myself.  I was paralyzed in a kind of self-reinforcing spiral where I wanted so much to break free, but the only way out seemed to be self-reflection.

Then one day I found myself saying to myself exactly what you've said here:

There are other people in the world. I want desperately to be other people centered. Is there any hope for me?

This desire became my lifeline.  I had to learn to put myself aside in order to be with others.  With time, effort, and a great therapist, I no longer feel so many of the things you've expressed here.  So from me to you, there is hope for you.     Take bunny's advice to do some things that will reinforce your good feelings - but won't force you to mull over your own problems.  Being active, having a goal that's external to your problems (like volunteering, even if it's not 100% heartfelt at first)...these things can seem so small and yet make such a major difference.  The difference comes from the effort to create positive momentum in your life.

Good luck,
Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Thanks Wildflower.
I really appreciate your advice and your candor. Truth is I'm actually really good with people. I enjoy them very much (when I'm not depressed and moody)I'm really outgoing and amiable. I read something about a narcissitic fix and because I can get so depressed I question whether the good feelings are real. Based on what you're telling me I think they are. I think I will set some goals for myself and keep the momentum going. I very much enjoy spending time with people and dislike being alone which is why the other night was such a breakthrough. I don't feel I've earned everyone's respect at work though and this is a source of much distress.
Also my anxiety sometimes keeps me from going out and doing the things I would like to do. I guess I'll just do them anyway. It's that or live as a prisoner. And I need to give myself credit for all the positives and hope to God that when I am feeling empathy for someone that it is sincere.
The best time I had was when I was with my Girlfriend. I was able to get my mind off my problems and focus on her. I guess I'll just try to keep busy and look for feedback.
Thanks yall for your support

[Moonflower]

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[Anonymous]

I guess I just need to rest in God's Love. Human love is conditional, but God's isn't. Human love is often performance based. I just have to rest in knowing that God loves me. You're right Moonflower I am hard on myself and I'm glad you picked up on that because it's a reminder to me. I often ask what's wrong with me and think that there's something basically flawed with my character. But I don't think that's the case. To give you an example of how selfless I can be, when my girlfriend decided to move to another state, not only did I not try to stop her, but I encouraged her to pursue her dreams and helped her move! It was selfless because I could just have as easily put my needs first and asked her to stay, but I was thinking of her and her happiness and that was more important to me than my own wants and desires.
D.