Feel Really Sad About My Life

[Ami]

 I have  a sadness or  grief about my life hanging over me like a cloud.  It is mostly about what I lived through with  my parents.How I loved them and they used me, scorned me, hurt me and then at the end abandoned me to an abusive H and sided with him.
 The degree of loss  and pain seems never ending.
 I do yoga every morning and it helps to release emotions,Thank Goodness, but I wonder when the depth of this sadness will go.
      Ami

[Ami]

Actually, after I wrote this, I feel better b/c I FEEL the sadness and can face it w/out running away. I think it wil be OK b/c of that. I will let it  speak to me b/c it has things to say or it wouldn't be there. If anyone has experience with this, I would love to hear. I am not interested in medication, though, so I should say that up front.
     Ami

[ann3]

Ami,

I wrote to you on your other thread about coming out of denial.  Yes, it is VERY PAINFUL.  Just feel your sadness, feel all your feelings.  Our feelings come & go, we feel good one moment & then we feel bad, then, we feel something else.  Just feel it all. I know you will get thru it, you will get thru the process of confronting denial.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

Thank you, Ann.  I am so glad you are here!             Ami

[Gabben]

 Just feel your sadness, feel all your feelings.

If a child came to you in sadness, tears in her eyes or just plain sad, would you invalidate her, would you turn her away? There is a part of you that is trusting yourself enough to reveal that saddness, like ann said, take hold of that precious little girl in you that was so sad and let be her sad let her have ALL of her feelings.

[Ami]

Thank you, Lise. I feel a sense of relief b/c I am honoring my feelings. I am not trying to medicate them(only  a little shopping). I am feeling respectful of them and of myself for having SURVIVED a horrible childhhood. It was not my fault that my parents treated me scornfully. It was not my fault that I married my H and he treated me terribly. I was set up for that.
 I am very grateful for all the wonderful support I have gotten here. It feels really good!              Ami

[ann3]

Ami,

You posted this on Kelly's thread & I didn't want to hijack, so I'm posting here:

"I realize from reading your thread that my life is about trying to fix my NM so it will come out allright. I am trying to fix her so the story can have the right ending which is that I really WAS good and worthy.
  I want HER to make the ending right for me. "

Ami, I think this is a HUGE revelation & insight.  You go, girl!!  But.......you know that your NM will probably never make the ending right for you.  You probably will not be able to 'fix' her.  We can't 'fix' other people, everyone can only fix themselves.   

I think it's wonderful that you realize what it is that your heart longs for.  My heart longed for the same thing.  But, I guess what I have learned is that our Ns will never change enough to 'make the ending right' for us.  It hurts like hell to accept this, to let go of the dream.  But, what I see now is that I can make the ending right for me:  I have that power & ability:  I can make things right for me and I know you can too.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

Thank you, (((Ann))). I am making big revelations, lately. It is all about having someone to see me as I was never seen by my parents. I could not see myself and that is probably  the root of the problem.
 I did not exist for myself as a real person, a real and solid self.
 I feel so happy right now .       XXXXOOO    Ami

[ann3]

" I feel so happy right now "

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You deserve it.  We deserve to be, to feel happy.

XOXO,
ANN

[seasons]

I have  a sadness or  grief about my life hanging over me like a cloud.  It is mostly about what I lived through with  my parents.How I loved them and they used me, scorned me, hurt me and then at the end abandoned me to an abusive H and sided with him.

Hi (((Ami))),

I could so relate to your feelings. Two days ago I had a melt down, well...cried and sniffled as I tried to speak with my dh. I felt engulfed by my FOO emotionally.
Thinking maybe it's me? How do you have such a large family and can't have a loving, safe relationship with anyone of them. It really felt unbelievable. Then when you see loving families, I wonder why "we" don't have that.
I talked and cried and got some of the yucky feelings out. Felt much better. I agree that it doesn't mean we will feel like this all the time, but the truth is painful and confronting it head on is a big time job.

Later that day dd and I went shopping. Looking for smaller size clothes since I lost weight. Suppose to be a fun adventure?
Then dd was in the dressing room, I was sitting outside in a chair and heard.................
The fakest laugh, and jumped!!!
Told my dd I had to go to the car now and that I would wait for her there. She came out and saw the pain on my face and said I'm leaving with you.
When we got out of the department store, I bent down, held my head as if I was going crazy.
I told her "I think I heard my sister in the store!" Middle N.

I felt so panicky, I was probably wrong especially after my melt down earlier in the day. I looked around saw a car.....could it be hers?
I couldn't remember her licence plate, it did look familiar but I was so UNSURE of my gut reactions. I then called my dh and said can you tell me my sisters licence plate #.
WELL it was HER.

I left, felt relieved I did recognise her voice and car. I wasn't going nuts after all. LOL

She must be on vacation. Funny she also sent my youngest a Birthday card over the weekend and added "see you soon", another lie. How can she see her, if she's not speaking to her mom (me). Games, looking nice etc..

I feel much better, stronger about the reality of my FOO today. But am prepared for ups and downs to come.

Bit on a ramble here. I just wanted to express how much I understand your pain and frustration. And rejoice with you when you feel happy and safer in your own skin.

sent with a warm heart, seasons

[Ami]

Thanks  for sharing that (((Seasons)))). Sometimes, I don't  think I will overcome the FOO conditioning cuz it seems so ingrained. Other times,especially when s/one loves me, is gentle and kind with me and tells me that it is NOT my fault, I have hope.
 Wouldn't it be nice to have a magic eraser and erase ALL the messages that say we are a piece of S##T?            XXXXOOOOOO Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Nothing easy about overcoming this stuff.  I am so sorry you were hit low today.  It is such an ever changing process - ups and downs and twists and turns.  Just as we see some light we think we are out of the darkness and yet suddenly we find ourselves plummeting the depths again - another cruel twist in a seeminly never ending journey.  But I don't believe the journey is never-ending only that it seems that way at times. 

Persevere - it is not an endless journey.  You are getting closer to the end even if this morning seems so far. We are all getting closer.  I have no doubt though I weary of the the sudden dives into darkness as well.

[sKePTiKal]

Ami - it will be OK, in the end. It's really good that you are now sad about what you survived... means you care about yourself. So it's the perfect opportunity, as Ann says, to practice being very, very loving & kind to yourself.

Even in the midst of such sadness... there is that glimmer of comforting light & happiness, too...existing at the same time... because you can care enough about yourself... to feel, to grieve, to finally come to terms with and let go... so many things. That is one of the essential differences between us and the Ns... we were always this way - able to care; they never will be.

(((((((Ami)))))))

PS - maybe sadness is the soul's method of detoxing???

[Ami]

Thanks for your responses.I appreciate them so much.                Ami