Author Topic: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.  (Read 6214 times)

Lupita

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How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« on: August 11, 2009, 09:50:38 AM »
This is interesting because she mentions how they show envy by minimizing the accomplshments.
Most of it, "I am so great and you are not"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oxJf9MXidY

Lupita

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2009, 09:59:59 AM »
She says that it seems more frequently in men than in women. That is interesting too. I personally know more women N than men.

This other doctor adivises to avoide the relationship. You do not exist for the N. You are zero.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQaYf62M4wk&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McXr57fPKtQ&feature=channel

JustKathy

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2009, 10:51:41 AM »
Thanks Lupita. I just watched the first one, and it was VERY informative.

That was always my N mother's tactic - to minimize the accomplishment. She never wanted me to have a college degree, clearly out of envy because she didn't have one herself. She was extremely jealous of her siblings because they had degrees, and that "she never got to have one." She would talk like a college degree was something that was given to you, not earned. She paid a fortune to put my brother, the GC, through college, but wouldn't help me, so I had to save up the money myself.

I worked like heck and finally got my MBA at 40. She refused to congratulate me, and instead tried to trivialize it, telling me that college degrees were useless, that I wouldn't get ahead, that I had wasted money that could have been better spent on something important, etc. She trivialized all of my other accomplishments, too, but the college degree really seemed to hit a nerve with her.

Should add . . . I have also known/heard of more Ns being women than men.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2009, 10:56:43 AM by JustKathy »

Lupita

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2009, 11:33:40 AM »
Kathy, it is sad to hear your story. Mine too. Like you, my mother bought a car for my brother and a car for my sister. I had to buy my first car and any car I had.
And now I am just trying to overcome the feeling or abandonement. Just that. The "why me" is over. Now I am learning to enforce boundaries.
Congratulations for your MBA, that is a major accomplishment. You are one of the few that can have one. You are a very special person. I admire very much people who work toward their education.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SilverLining

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2009, 01:12:24 PM »

That was always my N mother's tactic - to minimize the accomplishment. She never wanted me to have a college degree, clearly out of envy because she didn't have one herself. She was extremely jealous of her siblings because they had degrees, and that "she never got to have one." She would talk like a college degree was something that was given to you, not earned. She paid a fortune to put my brother, the GC, through college, but wouldn't help me, so I had to save up the money myself.


Hey Kathy.  I also have an MBA.  When I first started in graduate school my father told me I needed to pursue something "that actually has some market value, like a paralegal certificate".   I figured out later the guy couldn't  stand to see me achieve anything equal or higher than his education.   And other than a formal handshake sort of gesture after I graduated, he has never acknowledged my college degrees.  He'll often start to "explain" ideas and concepts that any college graduate has learned by sophomore year, as if I've never had any education.    He's more subtle than a lot of N's, but in recent years I've figured out his behavior is covertly abusive.    
« Last Edit: August 11, 2009, 01:28:26 PM by SilverLining »

Ami

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2009, 02:06:33 PM »
This is great, Lupita. I never knew U tube had this type of thing. It seems like N could be described as pathological envy. I know I experienced this with my M.I was scared to death of shining yet  I wanted to make her proud so I tried to shine just not too much. UUURRGGHH    Ami



PS It is really depressing on some of the other videos how hopeless it is .
Look at the PsychDocterate one. It is depressing as Hell.

« Last Edit: August 11, 2009, 02:22:35 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

indiered

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2009, 03:14:30 PM »
Hello Kathy,

I too understand.. When I graduated nusrning school, my NM showed up late and wore headphones (listening to her favorite show) during the entire ceremony.

When I earned credits from an online program, and showed MN my certificates, they were met with skepicismand incredulity. As if they were a fabrication!

I have existed only to mirror my NM. They are incapable of love, empty vessels. I admit that :D I have given up on them to save my own sanity.  Had the classic "nervous breakdown" many years ago, and realized that they are not worth renting space in my head. 

Congratulations on your degree! I send love, validation and (((hugs))) your way!

I am a newbie of sorts on this board. Indiered :D

indiered

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2009, 03:40:03 PM »
Dearsest Lupita,

I do understand...I do... I am an ACBOR...An adult child born of rape. Just imagine for a moment the shame and emotional abuse that I have been through as a result of my birth. Never wanted, and to find out that my biological F assaulted my NM and I was a result of a violent rape. All of my abuse from NM began to make sense...I was bad, and the punishment for him was projected onto me!! My perceptions were never validated! Only my elders who have since passed on acknowledged what was happening to me and offered validation and whatever protection they could. I have read on this board that N's behavior intensifies after the death of their elders, this is so true.

It was such a secret... that I was born as the result of rape... I feel so sorry for her...as I need to be a failure to make up for what she endured at my bio F hands. My NM has murdered me many times over all under a cloak of love.

I have endured the spectrum of abuse from A-Z. My siblings know the true story of my conception and deal with me as such....the bad seed.

Lupita you are loved and appreciated.. It is a miracle of our creator that we have survived.Indiered

Gabben

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2009, 05:33:11 PM »

This other doctor adivises to avoide the relationship. You do not exist for the N. You are zero.

In a sense that is true, we are here for the N's, but here for one reason and that is for them. They are emotionally children, if you have a child, baby, then do you not exist for them? Well that is how the N's see us, they are acting out the childhood drama of "needing." They are emotional infants acting out what never got fullfilled for them, the need to be seen, heard, deeply loved, valued, wanted and seen as absolutely precious in someone's eyes. They must had had N parents, just like us.

I have spent a great deal of time in my life wanting to be seen, heard, valued, wanted, cared for in tenderness, and loved, deeply as precious. But since these needs did not get fullfilled, as I expected, (sometimes because I JUST failed), then I turned to other ways. Some of those ways were Nish, self destructive and for long periods and still can plague me. But, in the end, what I had to turn to was blind Hope and facing the losses of those things, the loss of love and all that it contained.

Below is something that I wrote two years ago (on a thread I started titled "Average"), when I was awakening to a deeper level of Nishiness in me...allowing myself to fully experience the loss of love rather than act it out. Am I better today, yes. Can I love more and give more to others in empathy and compassion, yes. It may sound boring but learning to love others has brought more fulfillment to me than seeking to get love.

Me: Two year ago...

As a little baby I needed affirming and that IS what I
got, but what was affirmed was not that I was lovable
and good but rather a deep belief that I was and that
I am bad.

Why, because once I was a little bundle of big needs
and strong emotions; it was all that I could identify
myself with and it was more than my N mom could handle.

In the tenderness of my early childhood my needs were
rejected by the displeasure they caused my mom
therefore confirming the  that I must be
bad.  Then comes the rage that a little baby feels
when her needs don't get met, a rage that if expressed
causes a stronger reaction of displeasure from my mom.
 My rage got pushed down and lately is has been up, my
arms burn and my heart aches, we can't heal what we
can't feel.


Today, as an adult, when I don't get my needs met or
someone squishes me by belittlement, it pushes old
buttons (which I try not to react to) but instead I
stay with the process and feel my old hurt and anger.
I look to see how I am still acting out the drama of
my childhood, the unfulfilled wishes and needs to be
seen, to be heard and to be understood and to be
valued.  

As a baby and child I was voiceless and deep inside,
at times, my actions still scream from that place of
my murdered soul....


My nights have been dark, I have been reliving the
earliest years of my life, refelling the terror and
the loneliness I experienced as a baby.

I can't reach out for anything anymore (although I still do), not
relationships, not medications, not conforming,
food, or shopping and I can't act out (even
though I still do) Realistically, I
will be acting out and healing for the rest of my
life.

Today, I have to reach into my little girl, let her
rage and express all that was unexpressed and mourn
her losses all the while silently screaming and
reaching up to God to hear and to hold me. When I
become intense...others run for the hills, it is hard
to accept each other especially when we are in our
pain. The one thing that allows me to get moving on
with my life is compassion. If I don't get it from
others than I give it to myself.

God's love and Mercy can reach into our deepest wounds and
heal us. All of this healing started for me last
Spring when I started looking again at my behaviors
and became willing to let go of some attachments. Some
of our wounds are deeper and different, but the
mourning is the same.







But we all need. We need to be loved, some just more than others.

JustKathy

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2009, 07:23:09 PM »
Kathy, it is sad to hear your story. Mine too. Like you, my mother bought a car for my brother and a car for my sister. I had to buy my first car and any car I had.

Yes, same for me. Both my brother and sister were given cars and college educations. I had to work for what I got. It REALLY angered my mother that I managed to get those things despite her. I think it was one more reason that she refused to acknowledge my accomplishments. I was supposed to fail, and I didn't. She saw that as an act of defiance, that I went to college just to hurt her. Everything I accomplished in life, she saw as an act of revenge against her. Not something I did for myself, but something I did to stick it to her.

That said, I firmly believe that we appreciate the things we have far more when we have worked to earn them ourselves. My brother, the GC, was given 10 years worth of college, an all-expense paid apartment, and brand new car to go to school. He totally took it for granted, to the point where he quit school only two classes shy from earning his doctorate. He got a job offer, and just dropped out. It didn't mean anything to him because it was Mom's money, so whatever.

And other than a formal handshake sort of gesture after I graduated, he has never acknowledged my college degrees.   

SilverLining, that's what I went through. Ten years later, she STILL will not acknowledge my degree. My NM has terminal cancer, and probably only a few months to live. I know that she will die without ever congratulating me, or acknowledging it in any way. Power until the very end. She'll die happier knowing that she "got to me," than to have to do the unthinkable and say that one word: "Congratulations."

JustKathy

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2009, 07:33:45 PM »
I too understand.. When I graduated nusrning school, my NM showed up late and wore headphones (listening to her favorite show) during the entire ceremony.

Hi Indiered, and welcome to the board. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Yet, so very typical of Ns. My mother totally blew off my high school graduation because she was mad at me for something (I think for growing up). She gave me a card saying that the family was "boycotting" my graduation. What a weird word to use - boycott - but she had this limited vocabulary, and these same words would come up over and over.

Ugh! That's just awful. Your special day, and she wore headphones. These people are just evil.

Kathy

JustKathy

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2009, 07:37:43 PM »
I have read on this board that N's behavior intensifies after the death of their elders, this is so true.

Yes! I read this somewhere online, and it has definitely rung true for me. My grandmother always had my back, and within weeks of her death, M turned up the heat on her abuse big time. That's when I had to go NC. It became unbearable. There was no longer anyone to keep her in line, so she went completely out of control.

Ami

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #12 on: August 11, 2009, 08:34:51 PM »
Dear indiered
 I am so sorry you went through the pain of ACBOR. My heart hurt when I read it. I am so glad you are sharing on the Board and very glad you are here !     XXOO   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

indiered

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2009, 08:58:38 PM »
Thank you Ami,

I have been hovering around this board for a very long time  Too fearful to even register. All of you have been a anchor for me for so long. It has been a long and horrific journey. These Ns are very cunning and adept at their manipulations and cruelty. I will share more of my story very soon.
 Luv Indiered

indiered

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Re: How Ns minimize our accomplishments.
« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2009, 10:56:07 PM »
Gabben,

Yes, I can identify with the rage of needs unfulfilled. So..I have this emptiness inside that I am attempting to fill up in unhealthy ways. The first step for me is awareness, then acknowledgement. 

There were times that I went "medium chill" with for my sanity, and was met with an onslaught of condemnation and dire predictions.  Has anyone been hit over the head with quotes from the bible or other religious texts?  If I stand up for myself, I'm not honoring my mother and father that my days shall be long upon the earth? It's very interesting how Ns can always find passages that apply to others but not for themselves.  They are accountable to no one, not even G-D. Give an N a little biblical knowledge and they run hog wild! For ex. an NH will spew all the verses about the wife submitting to him but will selectively omit the verses about how husbands ought to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Oh ! please don't try to make them see anything they don't wish to see. 

I find that most Ns are masters of deception. Pious self seeking worms. They can be anyone and found everywhere. They visit the sick, preach from the pulpit, scout leaders or a CEO. Their exterior is that of warmth and compassion, but inwardly they are the very personification of evil.

I ask all of you to watch the first 30 minutes of Now Voyager, a Bette Davis movie from the 40s. It will send chills down your spine...a classic case of a controlling NM. Notice how the extended family interacts with poor aunt Charlotte (Bette Davis). Bette eventually succumbs to a nervous breakdown,the mother says"no member of the Vale family has ever had a break down"!

As stated previously, I am an ACBOR, an adult child born of rape. Every tactic known has been used to destroy me. Because of the circumstances surrounding my birth, I have some compassion on my NM. In those days, counselling and therapy was seen as an indulgence for the rich or weak.  I was given away for the first three years of my life to a wonderful family. NM reclaimed me after that..

Wish all of you well. Thank you for welcoming me to the board! Indired