hi again PMI don't see you as a hopeless case. You have admitted that it is all about getting back to you, BUT you have also stepped back and have listened to an exchange between two people who are on the same wave length. I could suggest that you attempt to understand the inner workings/thoughts of your wife and children, and attempt the same.
from my very earliest memory I have had to keep my private and public selves separate. When a child can't get some kind of decent attention from an adult in their young lives,
That quote is the beginning of many personality disorders and I expect it depends on how the child reacts as to which direction is taken. For one thing, a parent ought to enter the child's world and see it from his point of view, i.e. teaching from the beginning, sitting on the floor, or at least at his 'level', colours, numbers, games, words, reading, sing-songs and ask the child questions, listen to his answers and store that into memory for the future. If a child has a certain talent, then read up on that talent and learn as much as you can and then the two of you could have the back and forth conversations that you would like to have.....each taking his turn to speak. Taking this route to the nth degree is good for the child. He knows you are interested in him and his well being. All the focus is not to be on you, and not on the child, but how the two of you relate as father and child. The child ought to never have to "go up into the adult world" to look for recognition.
As well, what is your wife's favourite topic, talent, ...again take an interest in that and her and have discussions about individual feelings and a mutual conversation about the topic. In this way you will learn likes and dislkes and try to remember to not present her with only the dislikes.
Right now the important people are you, your wife and your children. You CAN share some of your private thoughts should the occasion arise that something happens NOW to one of them, that happened to you as a child, and you can say it hurt you, or you cried, or you laughed, whatever, after asking whoever how HE feels about what just happened. No two people are going to perceive a situation in the exact same way.
Just as no two children who were ignored, were unloved, etc. in childhood are going to react in the very same way. My sister sees the beatings of our father as just that, and doesn't talk of any harm it did to her. I, on the other hand, have a more sensitive personality, and I took those beatings, AND my mother not stopping them, as direct disapproval {hatred} of me and there was never any closeness............not even when they were dying. My sister and I are in our 70s (oh no I am, she is 69 in Sept). See how long it took for us to try to connect, and this is from a dysfunctional family of 5 siblings all raised the same way. One sister is a Narcissist, another is an intellectual golfer [she says she lives her life the way she golfs]and since I don't golf, I know nothing about her.
Well it sounds as though I have been preaching here while I was attempting to have you see that being interested in another person, and sharing thoughts and ideas, on different topics might be a good way to start, and perhaps your feelings will meld together somehow, until you can finally share them with another, that it won't always be about you, but it will be all about your family!
Good Luck
Izzy
