At the end of my rope. Now what?

[polymath]

Hello everyone,

It's great to finally find a board that addresses exactly what is wrong with me. It feels good to at least know there is a group that shares the same issues and is searching for a path to healing.

I was raised an only child by a very doting, emotionally controlling mother and religious extremist grandparents who never got the 'love' message, just the rules and regulations. All three of them talked and talked but never listened. My father was a violent drunk that my mother divorced when I was 3. Mom and Granny always put him down to me. He wasn't mean to me during visits as I became an adolescent but by then I'd learned how to keep my head down with the adults in my life.

I was either put on a pedestal (he's so smart, so cute, he's going to be preacher someday, blah, blah) or ridiculed for my 'different' ideas. My mother never let me out of her site to experience my world, fail and have somewhere to come back to to talk about it.

Anyway, all this has left me, a 37-yr-old man with a wife of 11 years and four kids, at the end of my rope. I'm pathologically self-absorbed and self-conscious, unable to see the subtext in relationships. I just bull through life looking for the next narcissism fix. It's like I'm outside-in, always deeply focused on myself and what I can do to bring attention to myself. I just never had anyone, a parent, sibling, or other relative to have real two-way conversation with.

It's like after almost 4 decades of putting on a happy face to the world, I'm running out of energy. Right after a suicidal thought, the next thought immediately after that is the vision of someone telling my children that daddy is gone and never coming back. The ridicule and pain that would cause them is keeping me above ground but for how long?

Two autobiographies, Howard Hughes and Elvis Presley, really made an impression. Both were raised by hovering mothers and no fathers and both flamed out around 40.

I started with my 3rd therapist yesterday and I like the guy but I just don't know where its going to go. He have me some homework, questions like what do you want out of this and what will make you happy. Today, I was thinking of writing him a letter with the answers and the things I forgot to mention yesterday, just to make sure he has a clear picture. Does anyone

Anyway, thanks very much to those of you who took the time to read my pity-party. Are there any guys out there who fit this profile and have found a way back to the wholeness they really never knew? Are there any fast-acting anxiety medications?

[Ami]

My heart goes out to you,friend. You are not alone. Feel the hopefulness of that. It seems like many people come on the Board in our age group b/c life  simply does not work anymore. The energy to hold the defenses together fails. We wonder,"Why bother, anyway?"
 You are among friends  who do understand.
  I think I am getting whole.
  I think we need to be seen. You describe not being seen. You had to be what your family wanted you to be  on threat of abandonment (death ),so  the child adheres.
 At some point, the childs real connection to his feelings gets lost. Then, he is the  self you describe, at the end of your rope.
 "Where did I go?"---you wonder? "Who is in here, anyway?"  All I feel is dead. I may as well be dead b/c it is hopeless."What is life worth numb  like this?"
 I hear that in your words but I may be wrong. That has been my cry and my path of healing .
 I think there are ingredients to healing just as there are ingredients to make a plant grow.I think you can find them with talking here.That can be a good start.
  I am  glad you reached out one more time. I  am here to help . I know many others are too.
  Sending love to you!          Ami

[polymath]

Thanks Ami,

You got it, that pretty much nails the problem. So much of NPD info on the web is from the victim's side, the people dealing with us. If they only knew the inner pain the N feels but is so afraid to express out of fear. I see these homeless men in town and see a small child 30-50 years ago that just didn't have a chance, had no one to talk to, just surrounded with violence, or addiction, yelling or other constant truama. It's like we're on the other side of a clear but impenetrable glass and we can see what 'normal' is like. We can see the pace of life, the 'right' way to communicate with other beings, with a two-way banter that doesn't get too tied up in what the person thinks but still respectful of them. A feeling that we are both OK. As I described normal to my new therapist he said that very few people are like that, that they are a rare breed, to which I responded that I don't have to be on the other side of the spectrum, just please help me get closer to the middle.

One huge thing I wrestle with is the man/woman thing. We are wired so differently and IMHO it's because a woman has a natural connection with her mother but a boy needs a man to show him the way. I don't mean to downgrade or denigrate your plight as a woman, I really really don't (please hear me on this, if it sounds chauvanistic it's not meant to). A girl can have her own set of severe problems without a good male and female role model to lead them down the path. Some things, I believe, are just different, not bad or good, for men as opposed to women.

Again, thank you very much for your response. Hopefully I can do or say something that helps you in your walk.

[Ami]

Sweetie,
 My greatest joy would be for you to stay here and keep talking as you are. Thank you!          Ami           

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi polymath

Are you sure you are an Disordered Narcissist?... as they are not into seeing their faults, or attending therapy. All of us have some narcissistic traits, but it's when the N-ism is out of control and driving others around you crazy with lies and emotional abuse etc. that it becomes a disorder, not usually recognized

Seeing you here, wanting to be acknowledged, makes me wonder if it's just to be validated as a person for what you think and do, to have a voice and assert yourself in this crazy world.

The Ns I have encountered would never admit to having a fault, let alone voluntarily see a therapist. (Although I do believe that Ns basically hate themselves and REQUIRE the attention , the constant FIX, to help ward off their feelings of worthlessness.

There might me a fine line in some cases.

I like a pat on the back now and again, but if it's overdone, I see it's phony!

Does your therapist diagnose you as disordered?
Greetings
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

Hon,

being self-absorbed and feeling that there's something "broken", "bad" or "wrong" in you... are very typical symptoms of victims of some kind of abuse. There isn't any abuse that's worse than others - it's all the worst there can be - whether psychological, emotional, whatever. It's all trauma. And even as an infant, you can be traumatized by violence in your home environment.

My advice: write that letter to your T about what you want from therapy. It'll help you think through to some very important information. It'll be OK that it's in a letter. It'll be easier to talk about.

And I would agree with you about gender differences. I heard what you almost said... that how men and women handle and deal with emotions are different. To some degree, at least. Definitely, outwardly, there are social customs and expectations that are very different. Inside, I think it's closer to being to being the same. But I know we all need two "good enough" parents of each sex to grow up healthy... and even then, there are no 100% money-back guarantees.

Also - there are many, many ways to deal with anxiety that aren't drugs. Have you looked into relaxation techniques? The advantage of finding a non-pharmaceutical anxiety-management technique that works for you, is that you don't need anything except yourself to control those feelings. At least, try this first. I'm not saying that a pill might not be needed in your situation - your MD should be able to prescribe one - just that in the long run, if you can learn to do this yourself - anywhere, anytime - you can always be in your "safe zone" whether the pill is at hand or not. Worked for me.

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Polymath,

Good for you for reaching out, talking so honestly about how you see yourself and your unique mix of challenges.

I'm glad you're speaking up for humanizing what we here so often call "the N".

You're not a "the", for one thing. You're a person and you're suffering.

If in fact your therapist does say you fit the N-label, then I would hazard you will be one of those who ARE helped and changed. You sound pretty determined.

Determination plus this level of self-exposure and accountability is a positive formula.

(And that's as far as I can go with anything math-related!)

Wishing you well,

Hops

[lighter]

Welcome Polymath:

When I read your caption.... "At the end of my rope. Now what?"

I thought about that.

I guess you let go of that rope, land (however difficult and awkward that is) then start making new choices.

The old rope didn't seem to be working so well, anyways.

There's a saying that comes to mind...

"When the pain of staying, becomes worse than the pain of going...... we go."

Letting go of the rope, is a choice, even though it feels like you won't survive whatever it is you fear will happen.

Sounds like you want to live your life differently.

Sounds like you want information and new problem solving skills.

Sounds like you want to relate with your family and your world differently.

Why not remember that this fear and pain bring the possibility for growth.......

for relief.

It seems to me, the most painful times in our lives lead to the most meaningful lessons.

That you're seeking help, that bodes bodes well for your future, IMO.

Again, welcome.

M02

[polymath]

Thanks everyone for your responses. They make me feel a little better.

It's like this (and please tell me if any of you have or do feel this way)...from my very earliest memory I have had to keep my private and public selves separate. When a child can't get some kind of decent attention from an adult in their young lives, they concoct a fantasy world in their own head to keep the pain away. I basically just gave up without even knowing it and turned inward. I got by on decent looks and intelligence, copious amounts of alcohol and women. Now at 37, all the energy is gone. I zone out, barely hear what people say to me, and backtrack/jump forward in my stream of thoughts. The present moment is such a fiery hell that my mind/ego constantly, and I mean constantly jumps backward and forward, not to mention some very heavy memory-loss. As the bills pile-up and my wonderful wife has to work harder and my kids act out ( I can only imagine what goes through their young minds as they deal with my battle on their terms.)

Anyway, thanks again. I don't mean go on and on. I sincerely hope to move up the ladder and be able to help someone else get on.

RS

[Ami]

Dear RS
 What I hear is not a "screwed up" person with this disorder or that. I hear s/one who lost his connection to himself .
 When you talk about the public/private selves,it reminds me of what Primal Therapy calls the false self.
  People have to throw away their true self, the one with the real feelings, and become what they are "supposed " to be but the true self wants to get out, to express itself. If it can't  addictions, illnesses and various versions of an out--of control life happen.
  The hardest part is finding a person who can really "see" you as your M couldn't.
  You had to be there  for HER, to make her look good.
  Mirroring is when s/one  can show you yourself ,  not as the public self you have been forced to become.A good M does this for the child.It is crucial to the child's development.
  The real you is human, good and bad. We, usually think we are bad but that is part of the many distortions that are making our lives so out of control now.
  I lived like that from 14 until  now.
  The first step is to be seen, IME.
  Do you feel  a little better after sharing here?                    Ami
 


PS You are NOT going on and on. That is the parental voice that tells us we are taking up too much time, space etc.
     You have not been able to really share your heart for a long time, is my guess.
     People on the Board want to hear!

[polymath]

I definitely lost my connection to myself and I'm beginning to wonder, if after all the brain cells the alcohol killed, if I can make it. Today has been very difficult. I have avoided all human contact, even with my wife and kids, because of my own paranoia. I know that sounds very sad and twisted but its just my reality.

I have been talking to myself my whole life. I will be outside on the back porch mumbling to myself, smoking cigarettes, and when I open the door to walk in the house with my family, immediately try to put on that happy face I've worn all my life. That's how my 37 years has been spent. I so relate to the homeless guys in their 40's and 50's walking around talking to themselves. The only thing I can't get is why they haven't killed themselves yet. Is it the genetic will to live thats so strong or just that its so difficult without means (gun, poison, gas, etc.)?

I took my 9 yr old to football practice yesterday. We barely spoke in the car. I sat in my car faking reading a book, watching him, and smoking, not speaking to anyone. And I now these people. I feel like everyone's looking at me, thinking 'theres RS. He tried to kill himself a few months back. His reputation is terrible because he has cheated on his wife." The paranoia is just so deep I'm hanging by a thread, acting busy, trying to fit in, moping around.

I just don't know what to do.

[Ami]

Sweetie
  Let me reach a hand to you. RS.  I sense that you feel very isolated..
  I hear you in a place that I am getting out of, Thank God. It is a horrible place behind a glass wall.
  Your thinking gets more and more distorted and you know it but can't stop it.You are starting to feel truly hopeless of ever getting out of this place.
   I hear tremedous guilt for not being "good enough". I hear OVER the top guilt about drinking and cheating.
   The guilt is a distortion in that it is TOO much. You talked about your family wanting you to be a preacher and maybe that is why you are BEATING yourself so badly for these things.
 It seems like you are beating yourself unmercifully. Are you?       Ami
 

 

[polymath]

Ami,

I never even knew who I was. Always on the outside looking in. Suffocated, decided for, thought for, spoke for. I'm just not sure if there is a way out of this. All the people I talk to had at least one sibling in the house that made the family dynamic so different. With a brother or sister, the focus can't be totally on one child.

But enough of all the past BS I can't change. I think I just need to take the bull by the horns and find another place fast before this situation makes me do something very final.

RS

[Ami]

Yes, you sound TOO close to doing s/thing final to mess around much.If moving would be a way to stay alive ,you must. However, your thinking of hopelessness is not "real".You are not seeing ways out when there are.You may not see them now but they will present themselves as let people know what and how you are thinking.
 There are doors out. I promise!         Ami

[indiered]

Dear RS,

You have a myriad of "angels" here, no judgement, or harsh rules of what ought to be.

You are, "seen" and "heard".

On this board you will find comfort, counsel, and validation.

We are here for you RS. Please continue to post as often as you want (need) to. Indiered