The Shape of the NM

[Ami]

After a lifetime of bewilderment,  I see the shape of the NM.  My NM's  MO was to throw psychological labels on me(being a therapist as most on the Board  know)
 *I* was too neurotic, too sensitive, too fearful, too dependent, too needy, too excited, to naive,not hard enough, not saavy enough etc etc. I can't remember the exact psychological labels, but I was always afraid I had  one. I was  afraid I was an N but I see that I couldn't be now cuz I can SEE people as separate from myself.
 I can stand in one space and jump in to another person's space(emotionally) and see things from their point of view. I don't think an N can do this.
 I was a Dependent Personality Disorder(self diagnosed). I am quite sure of this. I fit it well but that is changing as I find my center. Dependent people lose their sense of solid self and have to "ask" others to show them the way. I lost mine at 14  when my F told me my M  was "fine".
  I see how I would have gotten dependent. I see the shape of what happened to me.I blamed myself for becoming so  neurotic but I couldn't help it. You just keep changing shape to survive.It is not bad or good.I am not "bad" or good but human. I have to start wearing the "human" suit as I shed the "bad" one.
 It has been a long journey on the Board to try to get rid of "bad" but I think I can see the way out from it,now.         Ami

[Ami]

The other thing I see which is SO  hard  is the shape of the NM's lack of empathy. 
 More than anything in this world, I wanted to go home to a flesh and blood M but I went home to a zombie---day after day.
 I understand my life  now ,from getting my period at nine to the other 'trauma's" a child goes through and having a M say cold and  cruel things. What sense can you make of it?
  The child has to take on "bad".
 How could you face that they could throw you to the wolves and not care?        Ami

[polymath]

Damn that hits home Ami. You use the word 'zombie' and that just so fits. People should have to have psyche evaluations as teenagers and those that are obviously emotionally challenged and from hellish homes should face the choice of intense therapy or sterilizaton. We could stop so much insanity in a generation if the people in our society that had absolutely no business having children were not able to.

[Gabben]

,from getting my period at nine to the other 'trauma's" a child goes through and having a M say cold and  cruel things. What sense can you make of it?
  The child has to take on "bad".
 How could you face that they could throw you to the wolves and not care?        Ami

Ami--

Getting rid of the "bad" voice deep within, that core belief, has taken much time for me; recently, I have seen another layer in my belly that feels bad for being human and having needs, again. Here I am 41, back when I was 21, I came to terms with that belief in me that was a lie that ruled my life, the belief that I was "bad" and wrong. But, just like you I could see the distortion of truth and that I WAS human, which meant that I was going to make mistakes, not know the answers to everything, have feelings, fears, wants, needs, and all was OK. I really worked through those first painful layers of shame, and more, coming out the other side with a strong sense of "a right to be here" and a right to be human and make mistakes.

However, this last layer of deep buried lies around being human, sit stubbornly in my body, not wanting to budge, like a wall safely protecting me from the truth...I'm still backwards and a little twisted, but just a little. Amii - we take on our NM's "shape" we take it in to our being, digesting it but since the lie of being "bad" will
not digest properly it just sits there in me, acting it self out in painful physical digestion problems; which reminds me of the book by Alice Miller The Body Never Lies.

[Ami]

Thank you RS and Lise
I am having so many  feelings of hopelessness, today.However, I have a glimpse that it is not "real".My self hatred, self rejection etc is not real, as far as I was worth rejecting cuz I was 'bad".
 Not being "bad" changes the paradigm I have had since 14 when I figured I must be bad.
 Now, where do I go from here, I wonder?
 What is my identity,now?      Ami




PS Alice Miller really helps to center me.I am sorry you are having digestive problems. I know how disheartening they are.

 
 

[Ami]

Now, when I have feelings like hopelessness, I can try to look at reality(what is actually real) vs the tapes my NM put in my head. It feels better.
      Ami

[bearwithme]

,from getting my period at nine to the other 'trauma's" a child goes through and having a M say cold and  cruel things. What sense can you make of it?
  The child has to take on "bad".
 How could you face that they could throw you to the wolves and not care?        Ami

Ami--

Getting rid of the "bad" voice deep within, that core belief, has taken much time for me; recently, I have seen another layer in my belly that feels bad for being human and having needs, again. Here I am 41, back when I was 21, I came to terms with that belief in me that was a lie that ruled my life, the belief that I was "bad" and wrong. But, just like you I could see the distortion of truth and that I WAS human, which meant that I was going to make mistakes, not know the answers to everything, have feelings, fears, wants, needs, and all was OK. I really worked through those first painful layers of shame, and more, coming out the other side with a strong sense of "a right to be here" and a right to be human and make mistakes.

However, this last layer of deep buried lies around being human, sit stubbornly in my body, not wanting to budge, like a wall safely protecting me from the truth...I'm still backwards and a little twisted, but just a little. Amii - we take on our NM's "shape" we take it in to our being, digesting it but since the lie of being "bad" will
not digest properly it just sits there in me, acting it self out in painful physical digestion problems; which reminds me of the book by Alice Miller The Body Never Lies.

Very interesting and very close to how I am as well, and for the digestive problems, wow, I think there is some truth there and I will take a closer look at myself now.  This "Bad" thing is the real harm.  I keep asking, why, why God, why me?  What did I do to derserve this?  What could I have possibly done at 10 years  old, or even at 5,  to have someone steal my self-worth and my Gold (a child's Gold is their innate gift to dream and to want of good things).

A child's dream hearkened is the salvation for the universe.

[Ami]

,from getting my period at nine to the other 'trauma's" a child goes through and having a M say cold and  cruel things. What sense can you make of it?
  The child has to take on "bad".
 How could you face that they could throw you to the wolves and not care?        Ami

Ami--

Getting rid of the "bad" voice deep within, that core belief, has taken much time for me; recently, I have seen another layer in my belly that feels bad for being human and having needs, again. Here I am 41, back when I was 21, I came to terms with that belief in me that was a lie that ruled my life, the belief that I was "bad" and wrong. But, just like you I could see the distortion of truth and that I WAS human, which meant that I was going to make mistakes, not know the answers to everything, have feelings, fears, wants, needs, and all was OK. I really worked through those first painful layers of shame, and more, coming out the other side with a strong sense of "a right to be here" and a right to be human and make mistakes.

However, this last layer of deep buried lies around being human, sit stubbornly in my body, not wanting to budge, like a wall safely protecting me from the truth...I'm still backwards and a little twisted, but just a little. Amii - we take on our NM's "shape" we take it in to our being, digesting it but since the lie of being "bad" will
not digest properly it just sits there in me, acting it self out in painful physical digestion problems; which reminds me of the book by Alice Miller The Body Never Lies.

Very interesting and very close to how I am as well, and for the digestive problems, wow, I think there is some truth there and I will take a closer look at myself now.  This "Bad" thing is the real harm.  I keep asking, why, why God, why me?  What did I do to derserve this?  What could I have possibly done at 10 years  old, or even at 5,  to have someone steal my self-worth and my Gold (a child's Gold is their innate gift to dream and to want of good things).

A child's dream hearkened is the salvation for the universe.

I know what you mean, Bear. I always looked at people with good M's and felt different  and less than. Last week, I was sobbing to my friend how I was not worth as much as s/one I knew who was "normal". My friend said,"NO, that is silly."
 After I cried and thought about it ,I saw he was right.
 My value is NOT based on what was DONE to me.
  I changed.
 Little by little ,I am coming out of the delusions I had to swallow so I would not lose my mind, as a child.
 When I see the delusions I think,"How could you believe THAT?" but when they are tucked deeply inside and held together with shame, they seem true.
          Ami

[Ami]

I think I am seeing the way out of the "false self".Our talks about N's has helped me to see that N's ARE basically false selves. I have been a false self to a large degree.
 I had to see myself as bad b/c of my NM's splitting.She was "good". I was "bad" as NM's do.
  I had to hide the "bad" from myself ,first of all and then other people.
 I was  afraid to really look inside. However, with the help of my Enlightened Witness, I am seeing that I am human and we all have good and bad
 We all have potentials for everything.
 We are kind of plastic that way, as humans.
 We could do many,many bad things but we have to choose what we do.
  I am trying to feel what I feel, respect it and then chose my actions. I think this is what a healthy person does . My sickness was in denying what I felt cuz I thought it was "bad".
    Ami

[Gabben]

Hi Ami -- Thanks for this thread. It has allowed me to reflect on the "badness" still in me, or the deep belief that I am bad, therefore, I need to cover myself up, disguise myself with lies, very thin lies, but levels of deceit within myself that stem directly from the idea/belief that I am "bad."

I could write a list of ideas I hold about myself that I feel are bad. I may go there later just so that I can see how not bad I really am and how I am just human, but how acting on the false belief that I am bad sets me up, perpetuating the belief/lies of badness.

There is still in me the belief of badness, which I can see permeates the depth of my soul, still. It reminded me of my NM, the way that she would dump shame on me, dump "your bad!" without sending a clearer message or less distorted picture of who I really was.  Lately, I feel that I am getting heaps of "your bad" dumped on me....heaps, and when we are in the wound of shame and old grief,  the dumping distorts my already distorted self image sending me into a place of despair and constant scruples, a pace of self scrutiny, but since I am SO hard on myself, I feel unsafe to really SEE the truth, I can see it and will because I am "good" but I still feel despairing, as if I am only acceptable when I am ALL good.

Self can't overcome self, right, we need God's help. He removes our shortcomings, not others. I have no problem with feedback and truth about myself, obviously, otherwise I would not have made it this far. But when people are constantly sticking your faults in your face, it has a powerful condemnation effect, before I know it I have sent myself in to hell, picking myself to pieces, hating myself and wanting to give up.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Ami, Have you ever read the book "How the Irish Saved Civilization"? It may seem a strange question, but your comments on "shape" reminded me. There is a section talking about the pre-Christian Irish beliefs about shapeshifting. I have never read anything about shapeshifting anywhere else, although the book mentioned above might not be the best place to find it discussed. Anyway, your remarks made me think of this and wondered if you have ever read the book (it's primarily about the Irish's contributions to saving the literature of antiquity, not about shapeshifting ).

[Ami]

Dear Heart ,
 I never read it. I have two friends who talk about the shape of things. I think they each are genius's in different ways . They each see life in terms of shapes and so I started seeing what they were saying and it opened up doors for me.     xxoo    Ami

[Ami]

I went out to dinner with the "group".  I realized that *I* don't need to be responsible for the conversation so I just sat there. Everyone just sat there.
 One girl seems to have a good sense of self. She seems confident in who she is.
 She seems to do what her heart and gut want. That is good to see.
 I am seeing how I had to be responsible for everyone before and that was a distortion.
 I have to fill myself up first and then I will have s/thing to add to others--not vice--versa.
 It is strange to come out of NM distortions in to what is "real".
  I have been so immersed in my own head that I was just recycling things that were not true.         Ami
 

[Gabben]

 It is strange to come out of NM distortions in to what is "real".
  I have been so immersed in my own head that I was just recycling things that were not true.         Ami
 

Ami -- I know this that you described above....it is an awakening.
Lise

[Ami]

I LOVE when s/one "gets" me, don't you? Thank you (((Lise))). It is beautiful to be seen!         xxoo   Ami