Help: having great difficulty with Nmom and going NC

[Ami]

(((Sweetie))))
 I was thinking about you, today. I reached out to my M when my son and I were being abused. I wanted to leave so badly. She had NO care about the situation---NO empathy.
 The reality of the lack of empathy is only starting  to become real b/c it is so DAMN BAD!          Ami

[Ami]

Dear Bear,
 When I responded to your post, *I* finally got it  about my M and no empathy. If I go back and look at all my interactions with the NM, one main theme is lack of empathy.
 I think of ALL the unexplainable situations I have had over my life.
 This ties them together-----bleh.          Ami

[BonesMS]

Hello.  I'm a Newbie here and I need some feedback.  I'll try to get the point out quickly:

I am 42 years old. Started therapy at 36 due to Nmother abuse then ultimately leading to my overall depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.  I am happily married with a precious 2 year old daughter.  To my wonderful fate, husband took a new job and we were able to move 400 miles from my Nmom about 8 months ago.  When I had my daughter I set rules out for my Nmom to follow. I kept boundaries and put walls up as much as I could.  I felt I could not deprive her of the joy of her wonderful (and only) grandchild and realize that Nmom loves her to pieces.  

However, Nmom continues to break my rules.  Mind you, these rules pertain to her narcissism, i.e., not disparaging me or putting me down in front of my child, not disparaging my father or my father's wife (F.Y.I. Nmom is extremely jealous of dad's wife and calls her names and then laughs hysterically, mind you, dad and wife have been married 17 years and Nmom will not let up), not making fun of the rules I have for the baby, not making passive-aggressive comments, etc.  I could go on but I'll stop at that.

Nmom was emotionally abusive to me and my older brother.  She was a raging, self-centered, hypocritical, angry, jealous, obnoxious, fear driving mother.  We had no feelings, only she did.  Brother turned to alcohol and drugs and I became the sweet innocent punching bag.   She divorced my father when I was 21 and he remarried.  Nmom is so demented-mad-jealous-crazy-angry at that fact, and we all have to hear about through her insults on dad's wife.  It's so sick that I can't do it justice to describe it here.  Last year, we had a huge blow out of a fight over me enforcing the rule about no insults to my father's wife.  Nmom called her a name and I wouldn't have it, not in my house.  Nmom went hysterical.  I mean nutso, psycho-crazy, weird-demented stuff. Nevertheless I stuck to my guns but 3 hours later I found myself saying sorry to my Nmom while she cried like a baby on the floor.

This is where I need your feedback:  I'm thinking about going NC.  Her last visit was just so hurtful.  She put me down in front of my daughter and that is a deal breaker.  She also disparaged my dad's wife.  Another deal breaker.  She lashed out at me in public because she got embarrassed about something someone else said to her and I was just the nearest target for her to go ballistic and to spew her N venom-- she treated me like I was 8 years old again and I nearly passed out from my heart pounding out of my chest, we were in a public place and I had to leave, but not without me telling her to shut the ----up.  She said some mean things to me and discredited something I was proud of doing and accomplishing.

I know she will never change and as she ages, she will get worse.  

Basically, I'm dissappointed.  I'm hurt and angry all over again. I've worked so hard to set rules and boundaries and assert myself and her narcissism is leaking out even from 400 miles away.

I thought moving away would help me get some distance but I was wrong.  She says that her granddaughter is the love of her life.  Nmom shows a lot of love for my daughter but also says weird things to her.  I just don't know what to do.

I feel so wrought with guilt.  I don't know where to begin or where to end this sick roller-coaster.  I don't want to screw up my daughter's life and I don't want to rob her of having a grandma even if she's quirky.  I want to be a good example.

This is so sad.  It's just the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

Thanks for any comment you have for me and thank you for listening.  Sorry I got long winded

Hi, Bear!

I can IDENTIFY with everything you describe regarding the NWomb-Donor!  Right now, I'm in the midst of reading a book about Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.  In it, it gives the following suggestions on taking care of yourself when dealing with a dysfunctional N such as this:

Toxic Mothers - sometimes you have no choice but to go NC with them in order to preserve your own sanity.

Civil Connection - if I understand this concept correctly, it's basically LC and keeping conversations superficial and polite.

Temporary Separation - this approach might apply to your situation in order to give yourself time to catch your breath, calm down, and be able to think clearly about what is BEST FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER.

Setting Boundaries with Mother - you are already doing that and she continues to violate them.  As long as she thinks she can continue to get away with ignoring your boundaries and violating you, she will continue doing so.  The book also suggests:  "Set the boundary and, if she does not respect it, remove yourself from the situation."  This may mean the Temporary Separation, if need be.  If she continues to emotionally rape you, then that would probably mean not taking her calls, not answering the door when she shows up, NO CONTACT!  Right now, you need to take care of yourself and not be her "convenient punching bag" any more.

Just a few thoughts.....think of yourself as a cuddly teddy bear that deserves a LOT of love!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bear))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BonesMS

[lighter]

Bear.....

this is a great place for fellowship.

I'm glad you're here: )
Mo2

[bearwithme]

Thanks Bones.  Thanks Motherof2.

I think I do need to catch my breath.  I need a lot of breaths here.  I guess we all need starting points don't we. 

Just a note:  My brother was a drug addict and alcoholic.  He has been clean and sober for several years and is very, very happy and healthy.  He has been NC for 10 years or so but there is still an occasional phone call, birthday card, etc with our Nmom.  I liken my situation to his alcoholism.  He tried quiting several times.  He would be sober for about 2, 3, or even 10 months, then fall off the wagon.  Then he'd be sober again for longer and longer until he eventually figured a way to be sober day after day.  For me, I tried to quit my Nmom.  I went NC a few times but it only lasted a month or two, or maybe even three.  My guilt allowed her back in where she began to erode my life ever so slowly and quite subtlety. Then I had a family and decided set boundaries for her; strict rules.  She has broken all of them from the get go.  I can see that she really tries...it's like she knows there are rules and boundaries but just can't keep it together for a long period of time. 

Her abuse is not nearly as horrible as it was in the past, but when she displays her N qualities now, it is exactly the same as in the past, just not that often, only because I no longer live under her roof. Make sense?  But my T said that once you open the door ALL the way for the N, it doesn't take long for the N to go back to the way they abused you in the past, that is what they need to function.   Boy, are they messed up!

Thanks you guys,

Bear

[JustKathy]

But my T said that once you open the door ALL the way for the N, it doesn't take long for the N to go back to the way they abused you in the past, that is what they need to function

Wow. It sounds like you have a good and knowledgeable therapist. He/she is absolutely right. I tried several times to distance myself from my M, and the guilting would immediately begin. Any time that I would give in and show up for a family gathering, give in to her demands . . . BANG . . . right back to the abuse I experienced in high school. When I finally went full NC, the letters I received were unbelievable. Pages and pages of guilting . . . telling me that I was her favorite child, that I would always be #1, that she had willed me all of her prized possessions (all the while knowing that she had excluded me completely from the will). She also tried to use my H as a weaspon against me, telling me that she felt so sorry for him, and hoped that I treated HIS mother better than I treated her. She emailed him with that junk, trying to turn him against me.

Well, it goes on. But the bottom line is, give them an inch, and they'll take a mile, and a pound of flesh, and anything else they can get. The more you push them away, the more they push back. Ns will NOT be ignored.