Hopelessness

[Ami]

Yesterday, I had the worse hoplessness. I forced myself to go out and it was good but the hopelessness remained.In 'Primal Therapy" by Janov he discusses  the child having to go from a true self to a false self.
  It can happen very young or older.
 Most people don't remember an incident but a gradual giving away of the true self.
 Janov says when the patient reclaims the true self again, the pain can be horrible.
 Alice Miller says the same thing.
 I think this is what is happening .

[Ami]

What I am seeing with my heart, not my head, is my NM's lack of empathy, what it looked like, the inhumanness of it, the cruellty .
 I am seeing her smirking face hurting me and feeling nothing, just enjoyment.
 I am  coming out of denial at a deep level.          Ami

[Meh]

Ami,

I hate those kinds of smirks and the other secret faces that Nar-people make. I know those faces. I've seen them.
It feels like I am the only person seeing that face and recognizing it.

It makes one wonder if these people are truly psychopaths or what.

I see myself reaching my hands out onto those smirking faces and grabbing the corners of their mouths and pulling the corners horizontally away from each other so that the smirking mouth become like a taunt painful flat line of lips.

[Ami]

Today, I dissolved in to sobs. It was a FOO pattern of always being "on" so there will not be a space with people and they(my NM) can knife me.
 I had to always watch and be wary of her knifing me out of the blue, for no reason.
 I play  out my M's act  --over and over.
 If I am only "good" enough, no one will get mad at me and knife me, hurt me, humiliate me.
 Today, my friend got annoyed at me and I burst out crying that I try so hard and I try to be so good and it's never enough. It was not him, but my pattern .
 I feel better now. I think patterns heal by feeling them, not just talking about them or knowing them in the head.
  I don't feel so hopeless now after the cry.       Ami

[Ami]

I went through a bout of hopelessness and then had some  insights. The NM is like a reptile. I can see WHY the child can not  face it(denial). It is just  awful.
 The N is lacking a component which makes them essentially "human".They cannot get in the shoes of another--empathy.
  I think a child WOULD die from hopelessness if he saw this.
   I have layers of hopelessness which want to  leave.
 The last one that left helped me to see that I DO have a self and I can work on it getting stronger which is what I want.
  I wish I could get to the end  b/c it is really hard, though.      Ami

[Ami]

Every time i see my M's face as more real, I get a wave of hopelessness OR maybe I get a wave of hopelessness and the result is I see her face as more real.
 It is more real, today.
 My mental health went down proportional to the degree I could NOT see her face. At some point, she became "good" and I became "bad".
 When I was younger , I  relied on my own perceptions and not her schema for life.
  I would do anything to get back to that self reliance and TRUST in myself .
  I think every time I allow these feelings of hopelessness to surface, I am getting one step closer to that goal.
  It is really hard but I am  enduring.
  The 3D group told me that they loved me. They gave me beautiful compliments and that means a lot to me b/c when  a woman compliments another on appearance, it means that they really care for you,IME.
 Being able to navigate  relationships with woman  is important  to  me.                Ami