1) If I titled this it would be "Still Stunned by the SKILL of Narcissists"
This morning we had a company-wide meeting for which one of our nicest employees
gave a presentation on NVC, or NonViolent Communication.
It was terrific info. Then, he gets to: How about some examples?
The lone other woman who works with me gives a sensible example of a negative interaction from a previous workplace.
Nboss pipes up and says, I know! I don't want to put you on the spot, Hops, [lie] but we've had lots
of arguments, so how about we use US?
My heart sinks. I said, I'd be glad to turn that back to you, actually, I'm sure you could speak to it.
He says to everyone, smilingggggg: Well, Hops is very expansive but when I deal with her I feel disrespected, pressured, and unacknowledged.
My young female colleague (quite an empath) told me later that she could "feel it stirring". She knew he was going to insert something negative and knew he would attack me.
Two other people contributed appropriate examples that didn't have anything to do with the workplace or with people who were present.
The facilitator dutifully takes brief notes. So for the rest of the meeting, people are looking at a big whiteboard that says,
Hops > disrespect, pressure, not enough acknowledgement. (All the rest of the notes are about strangers.)
I felt kicked. Kept my chin up. Afterward, alone (one on one, where noone is a witness, as usual):
Nboss comes up to me smiiiiiiiiiling and says, oh I hope that was okaaaaaay, I just wanted to give an example, and of course it wasn't about you, but about me....
The rest of the afternoon the warehouse guys give me looks. Some sympathetic, actually.
So, I thought it over. I was, as I often am, amazed at how skillful it was. He took a workshop on loving, authentic communication and used it as an opportunity to humiliate me in public. (I know what "acknowledgement" means. Nsupply! He's right, it's pretty well dried up from me. Though I am continually courteous and friendly and professional, he can tell I have a guard in place that wasn't there before I knew him well--and before he'd hurt me thoroughly.)
I think he did it because when the faciliator was offering the wisdom that this NVC is always devoted to "connection", I raised the question of "boundaries" -- (avoiding people like Osama Bin Laden -- literally, that was who I named -- who intentionally like to hurt). He addressed that, said it's completely voluntary and you can always choose for reasons of personal safety, including emotional safety, NOT to connect. (Nboss has amazing radar and probably read my mind...)
The facilitator's great. I told him how I felt afterward and he said he intentionally avoided that example, because it was full of assumptions (from the "Jackal" brain), not the larger picture. IOW, my boss ASSUMES that when I advocate for something that it's about disrespect. (When, in fact, it's out of my experience and my desire to do my job well.)
I am so between a rock and a hard place. He sucks up my ideas and uses them to aggrandize himself constantly. But he also can't bear it that I am smart and quick and whatever. He uses me for my talents and hates me for them at the same time.
Ugh ugh. Thanks for listening, it felt good to write it out. When my home situation is resolved, I am going to job hunt. I am sure it will take a long time, but I want to get out of this place as soon as I am able.
2) Also -- for the last couple weeks I've been afraid I might have either bladder or kidney cancer. There was about a 20% chance. Had a second round of tests yesterday morning (ick) and they've ruled it out. I am grateful.
Pretty intense week.
3) Huge thing with my daughter -- her car has died and is pronounced unrepairable and she's trapped in Miami with only an hourly job and no way to get to interviews. I can't bail her out, but it's very hard to hear her desperation. I am so sad this happened now. I knew it would...it was an old car, she has had no money to repair it. But it's a kick in her belly that has laid her low. (And, she does turn on me when she's in pain or anxious, so that's hard too. Quite.)
4) Gennulman was so drunk on the phone one recent day that he couldn't talk straight. I faced directly the issue of his severe alcoholism. Wrote him I did not want to talk to or be around him when he's been drinking. He accepted it. Awkward next couple of visits but we're still connected, supporting each other. But I am reinforced that although it's a dear friendship, when I am able to (when my life opens up again some with a little time or energy), I will be hoping to meet a man with whom I could build a lifelong partnership. I cannot bear to watch another man die of liver failure, and I've done my dance with alcoholism, Codependency, Al-Anon. I am just not willing to do it again. Feels cruel, sometimes, but it's the truth.
I believe Gennulman (now 55) will not see the end of his 60s. He has (they don't always show, but I've seen all of them more than once) specific symptoms of liver breakdown: yellowing of the sclera after a binge, "the shakes", itchy skin. (I wouldn't read "itchy skin" as anything, but in combination with the others, it's part of the liver symptom picture.) He's still in denial. Won't talk about it. Said, "To the degree that it's a problem, it's my problem." Well, that's true.
It's the phrase "To the degree" that tells me it's likely terminal. He also says that when his sister sent him to a "spa-like" place in Arizona, he was "getting over the breakup with a girlfriend." That was also true. But it was REHAB, and he continues to deny that's why he was there. And it went so far as to make him homeless, and though he's been "homed" a year, old habits of self-destruction may die hard.
I need to just accept him as a dear, wonderful person who has a serious illness. I will enjoy his company and love him as my good friend. And then I told him, when he starts to slide away, I will not watch. I can't.
So there it all is for a Friday.
love
Hops
