Author Topic: 3 things  (Read 3412 times)

Hopalong

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3 things
« on: August 28, 2009, 03:09:43 PM »
1) If I titled this it would be "Still Stunned by the SKILL of Narcissists"

This morning we had a company-wide meeting for which one of our nicest employees
gave a presentation on NVC, or NonViolent Communication.

It was terrific info. Then, he gets to: How about some examples?

The lone other woman who works with me gives a sensible example of a negative interaction from a previous workplace.

Nboss pipes up and says, I know! I don't want to put you on the spot, Hops, [lie] but we've had lots
of arguments, so how about we use US?

My heart sinks. I said, I'd be glad to turn that back to you, actually, I'm sure you could speak to it.

He says to everyone, smilingggggg: Well, Hops is very expansive but when I deal with her I feel disrespected, pressured, and unacknowledged.

My young female colleague (quite an empath) told me later that she could "feel it stirring". She knew he was going to insert something negative and knew he would attack me.

Two other people contributed appropriate examples that didn't have anything to do with the workplace or with people who were present.

The facilitator dutifully takes brief notes. So for the rest of the meeting, people are looking at a big whiteboard that says,
Hops > disrespect, pressure, not enough acknowledgement. (All the rest of the notes are about strangers.)

I felt kicked. Kept my chin up. Afterward, alone (one on one, where noone is a witness, as usual):

Nboss comes up to me smiiiiiiiiiling and says, oh I hope that was okaaaaaay, I just wanted to give an example, and of course it wasn't about you, but about me....

The rest of the afternoon the warehouse guys give me looks. Some sympathetic, actually.

So, I thought it over. I was, as I often am, amazed at how skillful it was. He took a workshop on loving, authentic communication and used it as an opportunity to humiliate me in public. (I know what "acknowledgement" means. Nsupply! He's right, it's pretty well dried up from me. Though I am continually courteous and friendly and professional, he can tell I have a guard in place that wasn't there before I knew him well--and before he'd hurt me thoroughly.)

I think he did it because when the faciliator was offering the wisdom that this NVC is always devoted to "connection", I raised the question of "boundaries" -- (avoiding people like Osama Bin Laden -- literally, that was who I named -- who intentionally like to hurt). He addressed that, said it's completely voluntary and you can always choose for reasons of personal safety, including emotional safety, NOT to connect. (Nboss has amazing radar and probably read my mind...)

The facilitator's great. I told him how I felt afterward and he said he intentionally avoided that example, because it was full of assumptions (from the "Jackal" brain), not the larger picture. IOW, my boss ASSUMES that when I advocate for something that it's about disrespect. (When, in fact, it's out of my experience and my desire to do my job well.)

I am so between a rock and a hard place. He sucks up my ideas and uses them to aggrandize himself constantly. But he also can't bear it that I am smart and quick and whatever. He uses me for my talents and hates me for them at the same time.

Ugh ugh. Thanks for listening, it felt good to write it out. When my home situation is resolved, I am going to job hunt. I am sure it will take a long time, but I want to get out of this place as soon as I am able.

2) Also -- for the last couple weeks I've been afraid I might have either bladder or kidney cancer. There was about a 20% chance. Had a second round of tests yesterday morning (ick) and they've ruled it out. I am grateful.

Pretty intense week.

3) Huge thing with my daughter -- her car has died and is pronounced unrepairable and she's trapped in Miami with only an hourly job and no way to get to interviews. I can't bail her out, but it's very hard to hear her desperation. I am so sad this happened now. I knew it would...it was an old car, she has had no money to repair it. But it's a kick in her belly that has laid her low. (And, she does turn on me when she's in pain or anxious, so that's hard too. Quite.)

4) Gennulman was so drunk on the phone one recent day that he couldn't talk straight. I faced directly the issue of his severe alcoholism. Wrote him I did not want to talk to or be around him when he's been drinking. He accepted it. Awkward next couple of visits but we're still connected, supporting each other. But I am reinforced that although it's a dear friendship, when I am able to (when my life opens up again some with a little time or energy), I will be hoping to meet a man with whom I could build a lifelong partnership. I cannot bear to watch another man die of liver failure, and I've done my dance with alcoholism, Codependency, Al-Anon. I am just not willing to do it again. Feels cruel, sometimes, but it's the truth.

I believe Gennulman (now 55) will not see the end of his 60s. He has (they don't always show, but I've seen all of them more than once) specific symptoms of liver breakdown: yellowing of the sclera after a binge, "the shakes", itchy skin. (I wouldn't read "itchy skin" as anything, but in combination with the others, it's part of the liver symptom picture.) He's still in denial. Won't talk about it. Said, "To the degree that it's a problem, it's my problem." Well, that's true.

It's the phrase "To the degree" that tells me it's likely terminal. He also says that when his sister sent him to a "spa-like" place in Arizona, he was "getting over the breakup with a girlfriend." That was also true. But it was REHAB, and he continues to deny that's why he was there. And it went so far as to make him homeless, and though he's been "homed" a year, old habits of self-destruction may die hard.

I need to just accept him as a dear, wonderful person who has a serious illness. I will enjoy his company and love him as my good friend. And then I told him, when he starts to slide away, I will not watch. I can't.

So there it all is for a Friday.

love
Hops



"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2009, 04:20:28 PM »
awwww..... (((((((((HOPS))))))))))

wot a crappy week! I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this.

And I have visions of this particular (meaning me) 50+ old grey-haired "lady" (that's a debatable label) launching a side kick to your boss' grinning lear as he finds a way to derive N-supply out of his constant abuse of your good intentions at work as an example - "bless his heart" - of a "problem" in communication. I'm hoping he's at least 6 ft tall, cause he'd never expect me to be able to kick that hard, that high...

... what can I say? It just pisses me off that he wasn't called on this. Someone should've debated his version of what goes on, at the very least. And my week's been a bit nuts... patience wearing thing...

I hope you have pleasant nurturing things awaiting you this weekend. I'm lookin' for some, myself.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2009, 04:53:13 PM »
Awww, Hops.

Sorry your boss ambushed you in front of your co-workers like that.

It's astounding..... they accuse you of DOING exactly what they're doing to you.

I'm so proud you ignored him and didn't rise to his bait.......You know the other employees have to deal with his nonsense too.

Rediculous and unacceptable..... I wish you speed and luck when the job hunt starts.

About G..... sounds like you've found your boundaries and made peace with them.

((((Hops))))

Bad week, but you sound solid and thank God the health scare's over.

Mo2



 



« Last Edit: August 28, 2009, 07:29:15 PM by Motherof2 »

bearwithme

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2009, 05:06:26 PM »
Good Lordy Hops!  Your boss is a true bast#%d!!  He's defiant.  He's conniving.  He's a true N!!  I hope you leave this job, the sooner the better.  You must figure a way out.  It is so unhealthy for you and this boss of yours....oh, I have not words for it, it's just inexplicable!   N's are crafty aren't' they??!!!!

I had a N boss that runs neck-and-neck with yours.  They do use your talents and strengths then turn them around on you.  My former boss, who was a big-shot lawyer, was a screamer as well.  He would tear me apart in front of other colleagues.  One time, everyone was asking him questions when he came back from court on one of our big cases.  Everyone was excited and anxious to find out how the trial went and every single person had a question and he answered them gracefully and with acute attention to their question, even the part time clerk asked her little questions knowing very little about the case and he still answered her with dignity and the attitude, "no question is a dumb question."  

Well, I worked a lot on the case and it came time for me to ask my question, one that no one would have known about except for him and me.  Well, Nboss went ballistic and screamed in my face.  He shouted that I asked the "most stupid, pointless, and useless question I have ever heard!!"  He then smiled and said, "oh I don't expect anything else...." I was slaughtered right then and there.  Everyone was stunned silent, even his partnering attorney.  Everyone looked at me.  I had tears in my eyes I was so humiliated.  I went to quit the next day and they let me go.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me at that point. My husband and I celebrated that night for me getting fired after 3 years of working for a godforsaken N!! God closes one door and another opens.  And boy did another door open!!

I have a theory about your boss and you.  I think your boss knows you know something about him, that you can see right passed him, that you can see flaws and a multitude of failures he tries to hide, that you know what your dealing with, and that you can see through his bullsh!#.  You are smarter that him and the fact that you remain professional and have the mindset to always do a good job, even if it is at your expense, you continue the status quo in the job place.  He can't stand that.  He connives and tries to break into your shield of power with "smilinggggg" and whatever he chooses, like he chose this meeting/seminar to denigrate you. You know what he's up to and he feels it.  N's feel it.   YOU ARE RIGHT that you have keen radar for N's and you have that proverbial "guard" in place.  Well, we all know how N's react to that "guard." The will pick and pick and pick and pick until you weaken, then they are soooooo happy all of a sudden!!!  

Sorry to go on a rant but ooooh, he makes me angry as all get out!!!!

I'm so glad to hear you tests are okay!  That is the most important in life.  Your health.  Not this N garbage.  They are even undeserving of having this board dedicated to them.

You take care of your self (((((((((Hops)))))))))))))

Bear

Hopalong

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2009, 11:08:01 PM »
PR, Amber, and big sweet new Bear...

Well, in my head, a trio of Amazons just gave that dweeb a good ol' smackdown.

Bless y'all for your empathy and kindness.

So here's what.

I will not give him my weekend. He can go off and rot in his own sour juices.

I am going to stay healthy in spite of him.

love,

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

HeartofPilgrimage

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2009, 12:27:40 AM »
I'm betting your boss does indeed feel "pressured, disrespected, and unacknowledged" when you're around. No, I don't mean that you have done one little thing to cause him to feel that way. Except that you see him for what he is and he finds that intolerable. I am thinking right now about a male N in my life who has proven he has very little respect for women --- not for their intelligence or for their character. And he is scared s**tless of me. And I swear I have done nothing malicious to him. I have merely stood up to his bullying tactics. Other people I trust have assured me that I have not been mean or malicious when I have stood up to him. But it's a mentality of "if you're not superior, you're inferior" mentality.

I can imagine that working for somebody like that is incredibly stressful. No matter how level-headed and mature you are, you have to live with your guards up. My boys and husband did martial arts for years --- and physically, it takes a lot out of you to keep your guard up while sparring. Psychological sparring takes it out of you the very same way.

My mantra this week is "just say NO to drama." It sounds like you have done this very thing in refusing to rise to the bait. However, I do sympathize with what it takes out of you to deal with a N boss.

Hopalong

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2009, 02:22:45 AM »
Pilgrim, I think you've either met my boss or been hiding under my desk!
You've nailed it.

Thank you. And I'm very sorry you have to deal with a similar man.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gabben

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2009, 12:32:15 PM »
Hi Hops,

Read through, holding this in high hopes that you get out of there soon. As I was reading I was amazed at how you can navigate through and then I thought to myself oh yeah...we have been here so many times, the frustration of N's.

Stressful week, thanks for sharing.

Lise

Gaining Strength

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2009, 12:35:22 AM »
Quote
He uses me for my talents and hates me for them at the same time.

Boy does this sound familiar - the "can't win for losing," "damned if you do, damned if you don't" double-bind experience of Nism.

I'm glad you are writing about this stuff in a place where we care and understand.
I'm especially sorry about the situation with your daughter.  I know that is frustrating and painful.  Putting myself in your shoes, I imagine that is has a touch of powerlessness as well.

Thinking of you - GS

CB123

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2009, 08:34:35 AM »
Yikes!  Hopsy, that's a lot for one week.  Makes you wonder if you have been in "school" for all these years and this week was the week for the "final exam"! 

I have a lot of sympathy, having been through similar in the last few months.  It is very disheartening to extricate yourself from so many N situations and then realize that they are still all around you.  I dont really think we are magnets, Hops, I suspect we had a rosy view that at some point we would be able to avoid people/situations like this.  I think they are probably a fact of life unless we become hermits.  Damn.

Thinking of you and hoping that you are spending a luxurious Sunday with all your favorite things--a soothing bubble bath, a comfy chair with a delicious book, a steamy pot of tea and a cool breeze blowing through your hair.  I am thrilled to read of your posts where you have tackled organization head on and won the first skirmish!  Yay!

Love
CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Hopalong

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2009, 02:02:32 PM »
Thanks, Gabben, GS, and CB...

So much support. It's so amazing, the sense of wham...recognition...all over here.

I am okay. This morning I worked on remembering that although I didn't like my Nmother, I did love her and found compassion for her (particularly after finding, painfully, my own boundaries). In a similar way, I'm going to allow myself compassion for insecure Nboss, and maintain my own values and dignity no matter what he does.

That feels better than holding onto pain and resentment.

You are so right, Pilgrim, how exhausting it is. And I noticed that both you and Bear talked about how probably some of his lashing out comes from him feeling exposed, that he knows I know...kind of thing. That's really helpful. I just re-read Lollie's Medium Chill post and that's such a good description of how I'll do better as long as I'm in that workplace...

In fact, if he doesn't like it when I offer my best experienced opinion and he doesn't want it, well then, I'll let it be so. I'll just dial it all back and do my work in a duller, lower energy way. But much busy-ness and accomplishements he can "count" (he's a bookkeeper by training and I'm a creative type). I'll leave the creativity out of it and just rack up things (new dealers contacted, etc) that are w/in his comfort zone, and still good for the company.

He even said in that meeting that he didn't like it when we disagreed because he "wants to win." Well, I'll let him. I have nothing to gain by "winning" and since he sees it as win-lose instead of complementary gifts ("superior-inferior" as you put it, Pilgrim I believe)....then MY way to win is the Medium Chill method of always letting HIM win.

He needs to be/feel superior. I need to keep my job and reduce my "size" as his target. So that's my thinking for the new week, and I think it'll help.

I just wish he didn't sit in a room behind me with the door open and listen to every word I say! Aack. (No choice about that, unfortunately.) One blessing is he leaves at 4:30 every day so at least there's an hour and a half where I don't have his presence behind my back. I'm usually very drained by then, but it does give me a chance to steady myself again.

xo and thank you all again so much...

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Meh

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2009, 02:59:23 PM »
Hiya, Hops,

I tried NVC with my coworkers on a very positive neutral subject and their reaction was intense, interesting to watch, my Nar-coworker lashed out with this childish mimicking voice, it sort of put them in to a shark-feeding frenzy. My experience was that the NVC makes the Nar-people's behavior escalate to a new height. I learned that I really do not want to have an authentic connection with Nar-people, I don't wish to waste my time on them. We don't have to like everyone or accept everyone if it screws us up.  Of course it's very difficult to have a Nar-boss. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. Try to get a new boss, it's not worth it believe me.

I've had good bosses, they do exist. They bring out the best in me, they encourage me to do things that I didn't even know I could do and I surprise myself. We need to surround ourselves with as many people like that as possible.

I struggled with the NVC Philosophy for quite a while and then finally came up with my own version that makes sense for me.
The goal of NVC is not "getting what you want", it's to "connect with what is alive in the other person".

Do you really want to connect with what is alive in every person?   :?


And that feeling that someone is always listening, looking for something to pick at, Oh, I hate that feeling. As if they are monitoring every breath.
Overly critical? There has got to be a word that describes this thing, the thing that makes us walk on eggshells.

« Last Edit: August 30, 2009, 03:12:08 PM by Helen »

Hopalong

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2009, 03:46:45 PM »
Exactly, Helen...I do NOT want connection with him. Feeding frenzy, yes...

That is what I view as naivete on the part of my nice NVC coworker, he seems to think it's a panacea, and he doesn't face or want to know about the import of Nism. (He's one of the 2 males "golden employees" who are praised and rewarded by Nboss, so really, there's nothing in it for him to confront...)

I'll get out as soon as I can, but realistically, it'll be a year or longer. I'm 59, the job market's tight, and I'm about to start a mortgage.

I did have a chilling thought yesterday. Given the depths of Ns' cruelty, wouldn't Nboss consider letting me go a few months after he knows I've started a mortgage? Consider how much fun THAT would be!

In that light, perhaps I shouldn't. But...I guess I'll continue as though I'll be employed, sure hope I will be.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

HeartofPilgrimage

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2009, 05:09:01 PM »
Hopalong,

I just had a funny thought as I was reading this post ... once you learn how to deal with one N, you can just keep applying the same thing over and over to every N you encounter and it works the same ... because they are so rigid! They are pretty much all the same once you figure it out! Ha! That's a new insight for me because Ns are so sneaky and since they are always on the attack, you never know when something will come at you out of the blue ... so until that thought struck me I was always thinking that Ns will always have the upper hand.

And as everybody on this board knows, the way to deal with them is NC or at least the Medium Chill. I just figured this out. I do not have to be in relationship with Ns. I might have to rub shoulders with them at family events (assuming that I haven't decided to go completely NC), but there is nothing that says I have to make a relationship with ANYBODY whom my radar tells me is a N. I get to choose who I befriend, even when it concerns family.

This may sound like a "duh" point to some of you, but I have had considerable distress this week through some new Ns that have shown up in my life. I was feeling very trapped, like I can never escape those darned Ns no matter where I go or how healthy I get.

Just say NO to drama. And, don't feed the trolls :).

BonesMS

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Re: 3 things
« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2009, 09:35:54 AM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HeartofPilgrim)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones
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