Hitler and serial killers

[BonesMS]

I think minimizing is a survival mechanism because we were FORCIBLY TRAPPED living with an INSANE N-MONSTER while we were children...especially during a time where the authorities WOULD NOT ADDRESS ANY FORM OF ABUSE BACK THEN!

Bones

[Nonameanymore]

a lot of the things that she did (both NM and NGM) seem pretty normal. i think I am partly in denial and partly because I don't 'feel' anymore some of the things that happened. some i worked in therapy, some in CODA, others chatting to you guys or friends who can listen (although they only go through these intellectyally). there have been times when i mention something and see the person i told a detail lose their colour and think to myself 'it's not a big deal', or 'I am over it' but then the same incident comes to mind at a different time and cry like a baby. I don't really know. I read some things in this and other forums and they seem much worst than mine. I guess you can't really put our experiences in scales and weigh one against the other. I never felt like my problems were the worst in the world; what bothers me most is how could a person do such things to her daughter? this is the part i m struggling with most.

[Ami]

I think minimizing is a survival mechanism because we were FORCIBLY TRAPPED living with an INSANE N-MONSTER while we were children...especially during a time where the authorities WOULD NOT ADDRESS ANY FORM OF ABUSE BACK THEN!

Bones

I think it is a survival mechanism to minimize. *I* have written all these awful experiences on the Board like My M masturbating in front of me when I was about 3-5. The MOST horrible thing about it was she was loving to shock me and that was the whole point of it. Anyway, I don't think it is THAT bad. Really, I know it sounds not right to say it but I feel dead inside about it. I guess that is part of the denial.
 When I hear about YOUR M or P's or Lupita's ,I think THAT is really bad.
 The awful thing is that this type of denial and minimization is taking it out of our life force.            xxxoo   Ami

[binks]

Persephone - both the sociopaths were ex-partners of good friends. I don't want to say too much online about them, because one of them was quite threatening and we had to got to the police.

Luckily we became very aware of the behaviour patterns of a sociopath after knowing sociopath number 1, so we were much more wary with sociopath number 2. and did not allow him to get very to us close emotionally.

One obvious thing they both had in common was destroying the confidence of their partners totally. They would also destroy other relationships for what seemed like the 'fun' of it. They could both be really nasty, and unlike our NMs who would hide their nastiness from the outside world quite often, the sociopaths didn't care.

They both found it hard to keep jobs for very long, as they would end up being horrible at work to everyone, including their bosses.

My two friends have recovered. One found love with a great guy and is happy, the other is single but so much better emotionally.

[JudyK]

Dear P,
  God!  She SHAVED your head???!!!! I would certainly call that physical AND emotional abuse. Hair was a real issue between NM and myself.  Constant arguments about how I wore it, even continued her criticism in my fifties (she always complained about the color I chose). Once, in high school, she caught me "teasing" my hair(it was the thing to do in the sixties), and that night set my whole head with little pincurls.  Forced me to go to school the next day with hair so curly and full (I had very thick hair at the time).  I was teased and ridiculed all day from the students. 
NM was soooo proud of herself.  She never would have shaved my head tho, that would have "outed" her as the freaking N she is, and she spent her life faking "normalcy" to the outside world.
  Since I have realized what she is, I have seen glimpses of her true person.  A few years ago, I saw the absolute GLEE on her face when I complained of having hot flashes (She had them for years and never let us forget it.) I was taken aback by the look on her face, smug, joyous, triumphent.  One Easter (God we all hated that holiday, forced to go out to ear, the whole family, and told where to sit and who to talk to), my sister was very sick with a bladder infection and had also gotten her period, so she was feeling vterrible, but had dragged herself to this affair, to appease the Nazi mother.  After dinner, my sis told NM she was feeling terrible and was going home. NM lit into her, yelling at her accusing her of lying.  How could a "mom" behave that way towards her child?  My NM may not be a serial killer or Hitler, but I beleive she is incapable of truly loving ANYONE.   Hugs, Judy 

[Nonameanymore]

Hey Judy,

It never ceases to amaze me when I see that there are other women who have done such things to their daughters, not in a 'I feel unique' way, but rather, it's one of those things that you want to think they are extremely rare, and I don't mean rare as in precious. I have been thinking lately that these women satisfy their sadistic need to have, not a child, but a doll they can overpower, something that is soul-less, a 'thing' they can shape to match/fit their perversion.
I can relate to what you say about her feeling triumphant about you having hot flashes. It happened to me as well, not the hot flashes and in reverse. Because I studied dance, I didn't have any cellulite for years (I do now!) and she would say 'how come you don't have cellulite' as if I should have because she does. She also moaned about me not having yellow teeth from smoking (I also do now!), so it's like feeling jealous of your own daughter because she is younger. How can this happen??? HOw is it possible?

My hair was chopped off as punishment and it's a long story but she said that night that she did it to shave off the evil element in me so when the new hair grows, a new me, a 'good child' will grow with it.

P.

[JustKathy]

Hair was a real issue between NM and myself.  Constant arguments about how I wore it, even continued her criticism in my fifties

Hair was always an issue with my NM too, and it also continued into adulthood. When I was a kid, she insisted on cutting and styling it herself, and would do things to make me look geeky/stupid, and get me picked on in school. I was NEVER allowed to have my hair done professionally at a salon. One year when we were having school pics done (I think I was around 15), she insisted on trimming my bangs the night before. She whacked them off into those shortie bangs that small children wear. She was always determined to keep me looking like a child. She let me have my long bangs until those photos were taken. She waited for a chance for something that would cause permanent humiliation, like a yearbook photo.

When I left home, I colored my hair blonde and grew it long to make myself look as different from her as possible. Every time she saw me she criticized it.

Does anyone watch the ABC sitcom American Family? There was an episode a few weeks back where the domineering mother comes for a visit after a lengthy absence (the character was played by Shelly Long). Anyway, she walks into her daughter's house and first thing out of her mouth is "Why so long?" The daughter thinks she's talking about the fact that they haven't seen each other in a long time. She starts to answer, when the M cuts her off and says, "No, I was talking about your hair." OMG, it was classic.