3 things

[Gabben]

I am okay. This morning I worked on remembering that although I didn't like my Nmother, I did love her and found compassion for her (particularly after finding, painfully, my own boundaries). In a similar way, I'm going to allow myself compassion for insecure Nboss, and maintain my own values and dignity no matter what he does.

That feels better than holding onto pain and resentment.

Excellant! This is hard to do, after time the N's wear you down. But I have a lot of confidence in you. Just like you I have not liked my Nmother but I have loved her and had compassion for her, it is good to hear that I am not alone in that because I rarely hear others willing to accept the N's and try to peacfully get along, which has been one of the biggest life challenges for me. In AA we have that Serenity prayer which starts off with "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...." I learned over the last year, painfully and through trial and error that I cannot change people with high N tendency, I just have to love and accept them from a far, hard but not un-doable.

[Sealynx]

I think it is amazing how good Narcissists are at creating havoc via those areas that don't fall directly under anyone's disciplinary powers. What he has done to you isn't an HR matter and it isn't related directly to his supervision of you. It is all perception which he has a right to state. So you are asked indirectly to make him feel important, which isn't part of your job description! He gets to say it, purely to hack you off....and you don't have to answer it, but its there like an elephant in the room.

We had someone playing those kinds of mind games on another board I was on. The moderation was almost non-existent and you had to read most of the person's posts to see the pattern in what they were doing. I just wish I knew what is so fun about doing what they do? There must be something about the disorder that makes their brain work best that way.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Mo2 - you got any kindling? I've got my lighter... I think we need a small bonfire over here!

Hopsy, dearest - I read your plan and I don't like it one bit. I realize that it seems to offer some safety... stability... and seems like it won't require a lot of energy. I've tried this - more than once - and jeez... it just didn't work. On that last job, with N-boss, I took exactly the same strategy... and I found that it was an even worse drain on my energy, my creativity, my life-force... and it certainly didn't stop the confrontations or the abuse. Eventually, I felt like I was building my own prison walls... and self-limiting... and no, damn it... I still wasn't "safe" from the predations.

Why should we live - or work - like that? Let me do my best Scarlett O'Hara imitation: " I swear.... I'll never let myself go hungry... again!!" It's like saying that you'll accept being depressed and living less than a full life... for the sake of the paycheck. So you make him uncomfortable?? OK - what is he going to actually DO about that? Without making himself look like a total jerk?? Yes... there will be incidents like the meeting... but you have amazons... and armor... and we have magic ways of taking the sting out of those impotent, but still hurtful arrows. Remember, living well - i.e., getting an even BETTER job and being totally happy - is the best revenge on these kinds of people. You know the old saying, "keep smiling - it keeps them guessing" ? It works wonderfully on Ns. They'll go mad trying to figure out why you're not miserable. Don't give the %*^%@ reason to feel like he's dimming your light and that you'll just accept it.... no......

So I'm going to challenge your assumption that you can't change your job because of the mortgage. Truly - they don't care where you work, as long as your income is equal to the present income. Depending on where you are in the process, you may not be able to transition to a new job - just yet. You do want to wait until you've closed on the mortgage. But that doesn't mean you can't start LOOKING now. That will take some time, in any case, partly because of scarcity and because you don't want to put yourself into the same kind - or worse - situation. You'll want to get a really good feel for the philosophy and the "vibes" of a place and the people in it next time. Not that that's a guarantee... but it is a help. We do have pretty good radar... for things that aren't quite what they seem.

No one should live half an existence - even at work. It's a pall on your life. It sounds like it's an open secret with the other employees - the way your boss is. That's excruciating, I know. Same with my old N-boss and he's guilty of actionable offenses. I'm not recommending open warfare, mind you. Just do what you do, the way you love to do it... knowing that there will be a price for it... until you can change jobs. And keep looking for the "middle way"... there are always more options popping up, once we start to look for them.

For what it's worth, that's my two cents...

[Hopalong]

I couldn't agree more, Amber...I do want to leave here.

But I just don't have the physical/psychic energy to start a full-tilt job hunt now.

I will start keeping my eyes peeled, and networking...I do have an "impressive" entry on LinkedIn, etc.

I'm not in a major metropolitan area any more so pickins' are slim, unfortunately.

Meanwhile, I'll do compassion but privately. As long as I'm well-walled-off (boundaries wise) it's tolerable.
He's fairly busy so can't devote too much time to messing with my head.

Though the other day he did want to talk to me about how our "lighthouse" postage stamps looked like penises...
he approaches me not with any physical menace or touching, just squicky-psyche stuff.

UGH. It did occur to me to feel sorry for him with my guard up.

We've since had a peaceful 2 days and another meeting, not company wide, but it went well.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I will keep my prayers and intentions for you that a wonderful job falls in your lab - no physical/psychic energy need be spent!!

[sKePTiKal]

It did occur to me to feel sorry for him with my guard up.

This does help, Hops... it helps to remind yourself that he is the one who should be owning the "problem"; not you. I used to wish that I could meet with my N-boss online - Skype or GoToMeeting style - instead of in person. Sometimes it simply felt "like I was getting it on me" just being in the same room with him.  AAACCCK!! Others felt the same way, too, about him.

But, I guess my point was that you need to be and work how you choose; the way it fits you... in all your glory. And not let him push you into a dim, under seige, mode... simply to be safe from his crap. It's kind of energizing to "fight back" this way... and better for your portfolio/resume.

OH... and maybe there's an opportunity for you, with some of the people you all do business with?

[Hopalong]

I actually have a little business I'd like to build, that would release me.

I'll tell you about it sometime!

love, off to wwwwwwwwwwork,

Hops

[Sealynx]

Hopalong,
Each time he bugs you, vow to spend as much of the next hour as possible dreaming about that new busiiness!!  It isn't easy, but especially when you are trying to create a better job for yourself it can be productive. I would do my best to turn as much of my day as possible over to "imagineering".

S

[sKePTiKal]

I hear there are quite a few new businesses starting these days. Might be something you get going, in a small way - on the side, even freelance - now... and transition to later?

The "gurus" of the financial world are saying some of these new businesses will someday be the new giants of their industries - because of the tough times they're getting started in... and because the people starting them have so much practical experience. Now THAT'S a plan, Hops!! Independence, integrity, and flexibility...

let me get to work on the marketing plan....