What happens (as a consequence of living with a N) to your nervous system?

[Lucky]

Thank you all very much for your replies.

[Hopalong]

Hey Lucky...

I should also say, I know that even PTSD can heal, with time.

Choosing to learn meditation and doing that daily, and making regular time to be in positive group activity, and reading things that help you think in more transcendent terms, eating wholesome foods, walking daily...

In time people do become less stressed, and heal from early traumas. You can still achieve inner peace no matter what you've been through.

Do these little things, keep doing them. It is truly cumulative. Regeneration is real.

Hugs,
Hops

[Lucky]

Thank you Hopalong. My husband goes fishing regularly and he watches a lot of television, I think both in an effort to relax more. He knows how to do meditation but he does not do it often enough, he learned about meditation some 35 years ago but had not been doing it for a very long time. I taught him about pressurepoints on the body and EFT because I read about both myself.

[teartracks]

Hi Lucky,

All of my life prior to coming out of denial had been dedicated to coping strategies.  Few, if any of those strategies/traits were a true representation of who I was in my soul/mind or core.  About midway in my recovery/healing, the process took a turn which required me to sort through and evaluate my old traits, behaviors, & habits.   The method I used was very simple, but took some time.   As behaviors/traits surfaced, I evaluated them by these categories.  1) Do I like the way I feel and think about how this trait affects my life and my relationships?  When I exhibit this trait, does it benefit me and the other person(s)? If so, I'll keep it and practice, and practice and practice it as the opportunity comes until it is a natural, spontaneous interaction between me and others rather than measured & tentative.  If the net result of this behavior is negative to me and others, I toss it at least symbolically (old habits die hard).  I purposed to be diligent in tossing the bad traits over and over and over until I had victory in it.  My goal was for me to be me, not my old coping self.  I wanted there to be a recognizable moment of victory when I tossed the parts of me that were not charitable for the last time!  2)  If I wasn't sure about the quality of some of my behaviors/habits, (and I know from experience that getting clarity on the deeper wounds, and the resulting behaviors caused by them often takes longer).  I think when this period rolled around, I'd learned that the battle I was fighting couldn't be rushed.  I purposed to give it time to work its way.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick!  3)  I consciously began replacing my old anxiety riddled, fearful behaviors/habits with new ones.  Again, I practiced, practiced, practiced.  I'm still practicing!  

I think one of  the most effective resources aside from self-determined diligence to the process of healing and a gifted therapist is being in the company of emotionally healthy people as often as possible.  We need to see consistent examples.  That's not always easy.  I don't know about you, but from where I sat, there seemed to be so few genuinely emotionally healthy people.  It's hard not to view life through a distorted lens when one's heart is so wounded and fragmented.  In the backwash of it all, I've  come to realize that there are many kind hearted, gentle people full of goodwill.  I just had to learn to recognize them.  
 
To an emotionally healthy person, who has not suffered abuse, what I just said would probably seem lame and unnecessary, even insane.  But a person who has enjoyed an emotionally healthy life probably doesn't understand what it's like to be ground into ash with almost nothing to build from.  And that's how I felt in the second quarter (approximate) of the 7 years of hell.  I actually posted a plea on this board asking if anyone knew the  necessary elements for a person like me to become  a 'me'.  I think I asked it this way, How do I make a ME?  You wouldn't believe some of the cockeyed ideas that went through my head as possible helps to making a ME.  A little later, about half way the 7 years of hell, I went through the above sorting process.  That laid some foundational principles that I could build on. There will always be plenty of room for me to adopt and develop more and better qualities, ones that add to my emotional health, and enrich the lives of others.  For the person who wants to, I think the opportunity is ever present.   I want the last chapter of my life to say, It took some doing, but I learned to be true to myself.

One more thought on spending time with emotionally healthy people.  I've found that it doesn't need to be a big deal or a 'project'.  The important thing is recognize and acknowledge their goodness and be in their midst whenever the opportunity comes.  Spending time with folk who place a high value on good character and back it up by walking  the talk has helped me tremendously these last few months.  Invaluable!  The saddest part is how long it took me change the way I 'saw' others.  It all takes me back to the duck story I posted on the, How is a child to know?  

Does any of this make sense?

I think that coming from where many of us did here on Vboard, it takes an inordinate amount of self-determined diligence combined with good therapeutic cognitive behavior counseling to effect change.  

tt



  

[Lucky]

Yes it does make sense. The coming out of the denial and tuning in to my feelings is so awfully difficult. What complicates matters is that my stepdaughter also has to struggle with a NM. Sometimes it seems easier to feel real anger towards my SD's NM then towards my own. Sometimes I also feel a lot of anger towards my husband for not doing more for his daughter. I do not know if he could do more but I often get the feeling he only cares about his own comfort. And that is killing me. Because I know how horrible it is to have a NM and how utterly damaging. It is so frustrating. My husband only seems to care about watching television and going fishing.

I also find it very hard to become a ME. To not be the product of my NM's influence. I find it hard to feel authentic feelings, to feel my real feelings without rationalizing them away. The feelings can be scary as well because if they do come up they can be very strong and negative.
My husband did also not grow up in the best way. His father died when he was three years old, he was the youngest of six children. Between him and the next child is quite a big age gap. His mother did not talk much or give him much attention, luckily one of his sisters gave some attention to him. His mother did not play mindgames though. She did not abuse him or belittle him. Still he stayed twenty years with a N woman. Now he says that was the worse choice he made in his life.