Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

                                                My Aunts Lovely Girls

Whitie's Aunt's daughters are lovely girls :sweet , no mental problems to speak of , simple clothes, designer bags but no logo's, Saab's or Volvo's, good education, Harvard, Columbia, Dartmouth, married men who respect them , in laws  treat them well,  have kids, have  my aunt ,have each other,  talk on the phone ,five times a day, travel to France, Martha's Vineyard, China, New York, book clubs,restaurants, plays, parties ,art museums.


Whitie is typing on a computer with a dog licking her fingers.Her stomach hurts.
  

[Ami]

Whitie feels  hopeless ,today, hopeless to change the old BAD messages. If she  thinks any non perfect thought, she wonders,"Am I BAD?"Then it takes off on it's own, BAD, BAD, BAD.
 It is  deep like breathing.
 Whitie has so many fears. They go around like dizzying whirlpools. There was  little  safety for Whitie as a kid.
 If Whitie could gulp  safety ,she would. She would gulp it down like a  person trying to win an All You Can Eat Contest ; they drop whole hot dogs down their throats . It is awful looking, freak like,but the sentiment would be there : All You Could Eat Safety . Whitie would be gulping them down with the best of them

[Ami]

                                              Social  Group                                                                                                                        
 The social group is perfect for learning about life.
  One girl is about to be made chicken feed by the others.Groups do demand a conformity. I think you always have to be ready to leave.
  I made the point that my limit is 2 beers and if they don't like it F 'em. I don't want a Martini that will send me in to space.Don't ask me again.
   You HAVE to have that toughness.
    If not, life will spit you out like the cherries  in the "The Witches of Eastwick":this scene is beyond, beyond.
   People have primal natures---please?  
   Whitie was lost in some  dimension where people were perfect OR BAD.  They got moved from one file to the other when a flaw came out.
 Whitie was BAD, of course. That goes w/out saying.


The chicken feed girl is about to be pecked out. I have been there in the past. No need to go there, again,but being on both ends does help, if you can manage to get out unscathed.
 Yes, groups have their own psychology.
Scott told me that about the fraternity. Once he started slipping, some were gathering around for the kill. I hate to say it that way but groups are groups and people are people.
 Whitie is learning it way too late. An abused person, by definition, has his/her  claws removed. My aunt is a Lovely Girl but she has claws when she needs them, AMEN.



                                            Claws

Lesson One on how NOT to be abused :get claws. You lose them cuz of guilt. You think you are BAD for wanting to be strong, confident ,love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself.
GOOD is being good to mother, forgiving mother no matter what she does. Mother comes first like saluting  the Fuhrer, Mother, Mother, Mother, Heil Hitler. Go to the gas chambers unthinking if Mother tells you.

[Ami]

Whitie feels discouraged. It feels like such a climb up from the BAD messages  running over and over.
They  feel like  magnetic molasses soup, pulling, pulling, down, down.
My M thought she was BAD, a monster. She told me once.Can I ever break this?

 I hurt, I just hurt. I was gonna ask Ray today,"Do you hurt all the time?" but I was afraid . He would have said ,"No, I am happy". Then, where would I have been--huh?

[Ami]

Whitie is  trying to swim upstream in  molasses soup. I think it is demons.
 Demons whisper, taunt  :you are bad, it will never get better, why try?, you are too screwed up, look at YOUR horrible mother ,do you think YOU can ever get over it,you are a fake, you act  nice but you are  BAD, ,way down deep you are BAD, you know it, don't try to be uppity when you are BAD, don't be a big PHONEY, come on, come on, you are different than other people, you are BAD, don't let them find out, hide, hide, hide. Do you want to be HUMILIATED?


This is my head  

[Meh]

Sending a hug.

[Ami]

Thank you  Helen !           

[Ami]

                                 About To Be Pecked Girl

 Ann is cruising for a bruising cuz she is too needy for group consumption.
 It gets me thinking about neediness. People just don't like it. It goes against something primal.
 My friend told me  the chickens will peck a bleeding one to death

Whities reason for being in a group is to learn.
The drinking group is a good place to start cuz it seems to have most of dynamics Whitie is deficient in.
  One of Whities first lessons is about pecking.



Whitie is smart about some things. She got an e book on human relations. It helped. Social skills are an actual thing not someone blowing air ( I mean smoke)up your ass.
  Where am I going with this?
  You will probably get pecked if you don't have a good sense of self, or at least be able to fake it. Who teaches people these things?  Does anyone actually learn them from a parent or is it all by the school of hard knocks.
 If you know the answer, please raise your hand.


  

                       Subtext

Ann gets a D in subtext. Can a person learn this? Seriously  
                                                  
      
                                            Male/Female Lessons
                                                    
There are male/female lessons, too, but those are not Whitie's most needed area so I will save those for later.


                                              


                                          
                










 

[Ami]

  
 SEEING my mothers  face is the key. It hurts so badly you  could crumble on to the floor.
 I wanted her to be OK. I wanted her to love herself. I didn't want her to be sick.  I will never have her there b/c she isn't. If I died a million deaths, I couldn't bring her back from some place, wherever she is.
 I am mourning for my mother, Where is she? : maybe trying to swim up from  deep water and can't. I want my mother to swim up.Please Mommy.Could you please swim up before it is too late?
  She can't see me even if I am  everything she always wanted.


She goes after me like prey: eyes watching. It is me, Mommy, your baby.
 Why do you have to wound me?  
 I am the BAD from her and she hates me. I feel the hate and don't know what to do. I am drowning,too.
 I want to swim up but I can't.  I want to scream, "HELP " but it comes out crazy gobbledy--goop .
  
  

 
 
 
 

[Ami]

Whitie feels better after crying tears of 1000 old mourning widows. ( Helen's creativity   )
 Whitie is seeing what every shrink  saw. She was enmeshed with mother.She was the last to know like the proverbial affair.
Maybe, shrinks told her REAL things but she was too dumb to accept them. Maybe, it is not hard to see at all, Whitie was just blind.
 Whitie was the three monkeys--Hear no Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil. Her paternal grandmother always  had several of the  monkey  statues . Whitie  didn't know what they meant and thought they were a little creepy but now Whitie gets it----denial.

[Ami]

Whitie was crying for help in all her crazy combinations and permutations of neurotic symptoms. Whitie was not just an asshole.
Do you want her to fake it so YOU can feel good?
She did fake it for decades but faking doesn't work.  It is a physical  law  : one of the thermodynamics ones  You just can't push energy down, compress it, perfume it, put a smile on your face and do community service. It SLIPS out. Come on, wake up.


FOO trumps, whether you like it or not. Your body and mind know.  You act out what you won't face, over and over and over.
 I see it in people now that I am waking up. I tell them about FOO and their eyes glaze over. Who wants to face this stuff?

You need someone to love you, whoever that person is,   friend,  mother, grandmother,aunt, coach, priest, therapist, teacher,rabbi,lover , God. You have to feel loved,for the deep inside  "you"   : not the powdered  pretty one.You have to be loved for  the unacceptable one  : that is it, your dirty,rotten, inside self which you KNOW exists but you don't want anyone else to see.Your  person has to see it and love you still. That is my experience.

This must be what  mirroring is, in a long, wordy  layman's definition.
 
 
 

[Ami]

I just answered a question I have had for a long time. You know those guys who can get every woman to fall at their feet? I think their magic is they seem to SEE you,even if they don't.
 

[Ami]

 Doesn't ANYONE know how to do life   ?
 Whitie  tried to find the perfect people and take a tutorial.
If you are a perfect person and want to take a BAD person and tell them how to live, please contact Whitie.

If there is NO perfect person out there, do *I* have to figure out how to navigate life with my own head ?If the circuits were not cut that might be ok  but when you don't have the head hooked up with the heart and have a thousand BAD messages, you are not in any shape to run your own life. That presents a problem .

[Ami]

Whitie is overwhelmed. She is going on a trip, her friend is moving down.She TOLD you she does not know how to do life.
Whitie is in a pickle.

Whitie is seeing all these yucky things about herself.
Why didn't anyone tell Whitie that you have to take care of yourself ,in this life. Whitie thinks if she gets babyish enough someone will take care of her. It is truth. What do you want? I know it sounds bad.
 She didn't have the luxury of learning simple life tools cuz she was trying not to go insane, OK?
  The novacaine is wearing off of Whitie's numb and she feels awful.

Whitie needs prayers, if anyone is a praying person. Whitie had to get so low to find God and now she is there, low.
 Whitie is about 13, emotionally. She needs to start from 13 and figure out how to navigate using her OWN gut, not NM's.

Whitie feels like the "About to be Pecked Girl". She feels so needy that chicken beaks could come from the sky and start on her  right now .

 Whitie thought if you were GOOD, things would work out. If you hid BAD way down deep and were a big smiler ,then life would work. You would be liked, have good relationships, and life would be good, really.
 It is not true. Life is so much more complicated than that.
 Facing herself and life is the hard part. Her insides are BAD, but probably everyone else's  are ,too. Why doesn't anyone tell you the truth? People are faking the goodness or if not faking,have a BAD right alongside it.  I see it but can't GET it. I don;t know why but I can't get the  connection from the head to the heart.
 Why does BAD want to stay like f ##ing  super glue? It is like indelible ink, permanent marker which is really permanent, can't be washed out by nuclear Tide.
 If you know the answer, it is NOT a rhetorical question .

 


 
                                        

[Meh]

 Hug  Kung-fu

Ki---AHHH!  (Bruce Lee chicken sound effect here)


No but really, Ami, I hope you are OK, it looks like you are in a bit of a tizzy, very overwhelmed with feelings.

Maybe just take life one little step at a time?

Hug   Hug   Hug