Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 Whitie sees new things.N Mother holds you like a guard with a prisoner on Death row.  She
quells any display of independence  with rages  that would scare the socks off a he- man.
Then,when you are AFRAID to be independent, she blames YOU.
 People  spend money for therapy with her.
It is a crazy ass world!
 

[Ami]

Whitie's autobiography would be called  "It is a Crazy Ass World" By Whitie Smith.
Do lovely girls live in that world  or only actual crazies like Whitie?


  

[Ami]

Whitie started a psychological  study, loose, of course. She finds a lovely girl like her friend Debbie and studies her.
So far, the lovely girl concept has holes.
Debbie is not good  with relationships. Whitie tells her a few things cuz Whitie has good relationships. Whitie, HERSELF, is just a mess.
There are  distinctions. Don't ask.
Anyway, Debbie is too independent to let a man fill  holes.
A man wants to feel needed.
Whitie who is Swiss cheese never had that problem.
 
 

[Ami]

It had to be God who threw her the life preserver .
Whitie's life is supernatural. I think everyone's is but they don't see it.
 For Whitie, life fell apart like Humpty Dumpty. He couldn't hold the egg together. Was it HIS fault?

[Ami]

Whitie is gonna  do Yoga. The inner world is what matters. How can you control the outer? Co-dependency does not work.
 If it did, that would be one thing.
 She can't help  the co-dependent people who are hanging on to her so how is someone supposed to help HER?
 

[Ami]

Whitie just wants to be herself. Why not? WHO else should she be? NM?
Her aunt? Lovely girls?
She tried .
The world  works as it does. You can't control it so it fits on YOUR schedule.
 Your notions are just Pish-Posh .The world goes on. Maybe, it laughs at your naivete as it turns.
 

[Ami]

Whitie is coming out of dissociation for the first time. She  feels a little alive. It feels scary to say it like if she says it, someone will snatch it  from under her feet.

Whitie could never be excited .NM  twist her face in to a hideous monster until Whitie got back in to her place:the place of the blank.
Whitie feels a little joy--just to be alive.
She is crying cuz it feels so good .

[Ami]

WHAT is under the dissociation? To feel "whatever" is better than  numb.
She sees what she went through, an old rag thrown around.As a child,she told herself it was not that bad cuz she had pretty things . How could a house in the suburbs be so bad when kids were in war zones or orphanages.
Could it really BE as she sees it now?
 

[Ami]

Whitie's Aunt, a lovely girl, told Whitie,"You KNOW who you are."
Whitie thought this was funny. Of course, Whitie did not know who she was. WHO ends up like this when they know themselves????
Lovely girls don't get it, obviously.
Her Aunt's life still works with her lunches at Bloomingdales .Their men would never be abusive. Lovely girls don't take that. If so, they run home to Mother . Mother  holds their hand as they go to the divorce attorney.
 The Father gets big and bad and threatens the guy.
 Her Aunt told her about a girl who married an Iranian guy. He  turned some kind of crazy on the honeymoon. (Don't go there)
  Her parents helped her get out. She was not resigned to a life of chattel.

This lovely girl was married for 3 weeks, not 30 years. Gonna be Whitie's  30 year Anniversary soon. H says 'What do you want to do to celebrate?"
 
 

[Ami]

You, as a child of an N, don't see YOURSELF.You can't hear your OWN screams. That is it. When the parents are dead and gone, you are still screaming madly.

[Ami]

Whitie is coming out of dissociation. She should write a second book after the first ---- It's A Crazy Ass World". This one would be" Steps to Coming out of Dissociation" by Whitie Smith.
 The first step would be "Don't Panic"
 Whitie has been on the verge of panic.
 God made shock for a purpose. You have oodles and oodles of pain under it.
 

[Ami]

People get broken. There should be a broken factory where all the broken people  go and  heal.
She wanted all the broken people to be better to help her. She screamed and screamed for them to help her but she may as well have been under glass.
Then, in time, she was.

[Ami]

Who ARE you when you are a blank? Are you the false self you think you are--Miss Congeniality. Are you the deep self---primal instincts. They don't seem like they go together to be a whole person.
 Then, there is the social self. You HAVE to have one.
 To be a member of society, you have to follow rules. The rules are the fabric of human interaction. So, you have a social self ,too.
 Why is it SO hard to integrate them all?
  Why does it seem like alll the selves are separate and fragmented, warring with each other?
  This is a real question,if someone could answer?
       Ami

[Ami]

Maybe I will post it on the Board---Do You Feel You Have All These Separate Selves Warring With Each Other?"

[Ami]

WHO the Hell are you when you are disassociated? I know the N is disassociated. My H is. I can SEE it in people ,now
My M masturbated in front of me--put me on the floor ---in front of her when I was 3-4 years old.
IS that disassociated or NOT?