Blackie/Whitie

[CB123]

She wants to ask'If someone you love gets angry at you, does your heart feel like it will break?"

Ami,

I think that if you have been where we have been--yes, it does.

I have felt this and it almost feels like the earth as wobbled on its axis.  Nothing will ever be right again.  Yes, it feels like a death. 

And then you recover.  The pain recedes.  You do this over and over again, until you don't any more.  I dont know when or why it stops, but you just have to wait it out until it happens.  But, in the meantime, it is pretty painful.  It may help to know that there is an end to it. 

CB

[Ami]

Thank you (((CB)))
Yesterday, I thought I WOULD die. I prayed to God that they would not have to take me to the Emergency Room (lol) but it passed .
 When it passes, you can see yourself a little better.
 It is like a fire of refinement. It burns off a few of the awful layers we had to take on to survive .
 What would it feel like to KNOW your feelings and thoughts and just BE ok with them ;not crucifying yourself for EVERY slip from perfection.
 That would be a trip to Hawaii for the daughter of an NM. It would be for me.
 Thanks for being there, CB !
        

[Ami]

The NM has a death script for you. I see that. My life became a death script when my mother molested me. She used me cuz she wanted to hurt a living creature . She wanted to throw her pain and shame OUT of her and on to another living soul.It was like witchcraft. You light the candle and send the curse to another. You send the energy off  to the victim.
 *i* took it on for survival purposes. If I didn't,I thought SHE would die. It was my job to carry it. I could never be TOO good. I could show her up.
 I had to be good enough to make her proud but a loser enough so she could still throw the garbage on me . I had to be  a WILLING garbage pail.
 She left a message on my cell phone ,yesterday.
 I heard the prowling, the stalking , the hungry beast who wanted to feed on my core :the little  that is left.*I* should not have ANY left. She wants to eat up the last bit.
 She was questioning, wondering. WHERE did the prey go? The prey was supposed to be there for ME.
 It is the Wicked Witch in Wizard of Oz ;"I will get you, my pretty"
 WHO could stand to see something like this and live?
 Tell me,who would not disassociate?
 Is there someone strong enough to withstand this and be sane?
 Seriously.

[Ami]

I know not all mothers are like this. My Aunt isn't. Ray would kill for his daughter. I will never know that.
 I have good things, too, but I have to find the real part.
 That is my quest--panning for gold but it is NOT gold.  I am panning for real.

[Portia]

Please tell me if you know more than I do here ((((((Ami)))))) BUT
is there an accepted usable definition of 'Sane'????

Very difficult to define I think. I'm feeling that sane is where you are and where many other people are not. But I know a lot of NUTTERS - and they're not typing on this here board 

Love, P

[Ami]

Are you saying you think *I* am sane ,Portia? If so, it would be a great compliment cuz my M  made me doubt my sanity, very badly. That was the chief way she undermined me.
((((Portia))) Thanks for being there. I love to see your name!   x o x o Ami

[Portia]

Oh yes Ami. But - it doesn't matter what I think, right? It also doesn't matter whether you think you are 'sane' or not (but if it helps, go for it!). Whatever gives you psychic peace, your sense of belonging on this here planet, your right to take up space (as someone wise once described it here), whatever it takes in terms of thinking and labels, so long as it helps and doesn't harm. BUT...........I think I can tell a full-on nutbar (inhuman-human) from a human-human, so, please take that as you may...
Thank *you* for being there too Ami.

[Ami]

That is so sweet (((Portia)))
What a warm fuzzy !    Love you ,  Ami

[Ami]

Whitie feels happy. That is a switch and scary. Mother would always pull away her happiness . "Who was Whitie to feel good?"
 Whitie was supposed to serve HER.Who did Whitie think she was to want to be a person?
 No, Whitie ,you are not allowed such luxuries. You serve Mother!
 That is your role on this earth.
  Mother takes your life and you better not complain.It is her right.

[Ami]

Mother is angry cuz Whitie is NOT calling back. Whitie is getting away. Ha ha. Mother must be shitting a brick--"cuse my French.Mother does not like people who get away :not at all.
 It was not part of Mother's script that you could escape. No, sir. You were supposed to be stepping and fetching for mother until you die
 Mother is damn angry. I can hear it in her voice.

[Ami]

You all know what Whitie has been through. You have been through most of it, yourselves. Can anyone ever get better? Whitie thinks ,perhaps.
 God can send  wonderful people who love you b/c they are wonderful.
 It is Divine. Then, you can start to love yourself and break the spell.
 Mother's magic is only a spell . When you see it, it is gone. There is only smoke and Mother is left there, standing,  the smirk wiped off her ugly face as you walk away.
 Probably Mother could have helped it. We all have a conscience. Mother wanted to hurt a weaker person.Kids are the weakest and Mother loved it.
 She knew right from wrong and does now.
 That is the last(I hope) piece of the puzzle. Mother hurt me cuz I was weak and had no one to protect me. My F was emasculated(the nice form of the word) so Mother had free reign. I was a vulnerable kid, perfect to hurt, needing love, needing security, easy to frighten, easy to shock, easy to push down.
 Somewhere in this universe God will take care of Mother in His way.
 That is God's domain , not Whities.

[Ami]

Whitie is in love.  I need to tell you.
This love likes Whitie JUST as she is: not giving her a grocery list  of changes and come back when you DO it.
Can you believe  she is loved--just like that.It is like an" As Is "sale and Whitie is the" As is." Someone says "I like this torn blouse. It fits me just fine. "
 Hope is very precious for an abused kid with a death wish from the age of 3.
 Let her hope,OK?

[Ami]

WHY can't Whitie own the real estate she has been given :herself,of course. Why must she be the Mutable woman :selling her soul, emotions, heart,mind,  all of it , to outrun shame. WHY?
 WHY must she be better than average humanity?
 Please, tell her body that she doesn't have to run this psychotic race to the death ." Die, die, die" the voice says.
 Her own mothers voice: a death voice.
 How do you make sense of that?
 How does your body walk away from the death voice. You were SUPPOSED to die. How can you turn your back on all of it?
 What will you have: no memories,  no warmth  where you can rest in safety, nothing.
 That is what the numb is .
  God provides it : a blanket for His children.
  How hard it is to take  off : the death  blanket.

[Ami]

This morning, Whitie felt the presence of God.
You have to heal ,first, before you consider a relationship .
 A relationship adds to your already there self:same for the other person.
 She was badly beaten up but always had something, some spark.
 God  always held Whitie tightly.
 Astrology has her sun in in the same degree as the most favored star.
 She has always had blessings come ,at the last minute sometimes, but always.
 She has gobs of stories of Divine intervention.
 Trust, trust, trust. There is something greater than Whitie, greater than all people.

[Ami]

Whitie's basic conclusion is that you HAVE to defend your basic piece of real estate :you.  As a child of an NM, you had better be there for her. You had no choice.
So, you go through life as the biggest, F ing ,co-dependent there is.
 Then, you wake up and say "No More"
  That is where Whitie is.