Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whitie is maniacally writing. It is embarrassing but  you can't save your face AND your ass at the same time. I tried saving my face and it didn't work so now I am trying the other end .
 Whitie is finally learning about human relations.   No one much cares about you even though to YOU, you are  bigger than   life. Don't people learn this  younger?
  People don't like a downer. One of the girls in the drinking group almost had a mutiny against her for being  a downer.
 People  don't like her. What can I say?
 She is not good with social cues, subtext. She talks about inane things and does not shut up even when  people  are trying to get away.
 I am seeing junior high all over again.  Does it ever change? From Kindergarten to the Old Age home, are we still kids?
 Another big surprise for Whitie, there are a lot of "normal" people out there who are f##ed up. Mother was wrong about Perfect/Flawed. How long did it take me to see this?
 Last night, Whitie was trying on a new persona, really her REAL persona.
 Whitie had the cutest bag, a red and beige striped ,slouchy  Prada, a silky spaghetti strap top ,close fitting  capri pants and  large gold hoop earrings .She was dressed like Blackie.
 

[Ami]

Whitie had breakfast at the cafe down the street :  feta cheese, roasted pepper, and mushroom omelete, extra feta.
 She brought the owner a  present:  beauty samples in a red,silky  Sephora bag.Blackies addiction is  beauty samples.
 It is a good  addiction cuz  Blackie loves to give unexpected presents.
 Whitie is discovering that life can have good things like seeing eyes light up when they get one of Blackie's bags.
 You can make your own beauty in life if you can find the doors out of pain. That is the key, the doors out of pain. Whitie is still trying to find them because  there are so many . Once you open one , another surfaces but you never go back  to the same place as before.

[Ami]

Sometimes a huge  sadness comes over Whitie .Helen said it best : 1000 mourning old widows in my soul.  God Bless You, Helen.
 I cannot believe I came through that long trudge, walked the miles, cried the  tears, kept the tears  within me.
 I can't believe it was me .



 People say,"I can't believe I got a disease, got in an accident ,lost a loved one.   I am saying that,too. I can't believe I was abused. I can't believe my M has the face of a vacant zombie. I can't believe my F looked  good but only when someone  was looking.
 When I was their child,  they provided cuz I was THEIRS. When I got married, I was not their problem so "Who cares?"
 Yeah, that is the story. They didn't really care and I couldn't face it--AMEN
 


 

[Ami]

Where does Whitie go from here? She has some  questions.
Some are:


1. What is selfishness?
2. If everyone HAS to be selfish in order to survive(dog with bone) what is too much? What is not enough?
3. When do you over ride selfishness and give and when do stay selfish and not give?
4.What makes a good person?
5. What makes a bad person?
6. Are really selfish thoughts OK?
7  What is normal shame?
8 What is pathological shame?
9. Do we always have the 5 year old kid inside? Is that just "normal"?
10 I think we do always have that little kid inside us and normal people know that. Is that true?

Number 10 is really my question distilled from the others. I think more normal people know and accept the little, bratty, selfish , egocentric kid in all of us and abused people think that kid is bad.
Well, that would be question 11.

 PS This is not an invitation for "Just Get Over it's",in any or all versions.   If "Get Over Its" were so easy ,there would be no mentally ill people. Someone would get the Nobel Prize. They would have  invented a "Just Get Over It" pill and thousands would have left their mental illness at the door. AMEN !
.

[Ami]

More questions:

1.When do you protect yourself, sometimes, never(BUZZ-has to be wrong), always?
2. Is it BAD to protect yourself?
3. Is it BAD to say "F off" when s/one hurts you, even if they only do it a little?
4. What is uppity? Is Uppity protecting yourself? (For me ,it is. Can you believe that?  )
5.What is feeling too good about yourself?
6. When does normal selfishness become N?
7 Am I BAD like my M said?
8. Are all people BAD?
9 Are all people selfish?
10 Do you just have to accept BAD as the human condition( the Fall)?
 


Questions,rhetorical, answerable. I am afraid they are only answerable with the heart, your own. That is the icky part and maybe the good part. Your heart has to tell you .
 

[Ami]

                             


Whitey has asked so many people  questions like  "How do you live life?",simple questions.
Whitey has gotten  many answers but never got  better.
 Maybe, emotional illness is just being out of whack with what is real, in yourself and the outside world. Maybe, that is why a shrink is called that: it shrinks the distortions to normal.
  My two normies  say,"That is just human nature."
  Maybe , that is the answer to all these questions.
 

[Ami]

Blackie died at 14, really became moribund. She could come out in times of need but it had to get bad and who wants that?
Blackie  knew she was OK.
 She didn't need to ask 1000 questions.
  IF Blackie thought it, it was. Blackie did not have to look around to KNOW what she felt, she FELT it.It was enough.
  Blackie made a simple decision. Someone else's life has nothing to do with me. If s/one is smarter, prettier, more talented,so what? I am me and I am cool as I am.
  


Whitie still has questions, though. She is not ready to turn the ship over to Captain Blackie who is looking smashing in the Captains hat. No, Whitie is cautious and that ain't all bad.

Whitie is ashamed and embarrassed to be writing these lists. She thinks someone will say,in her M's voice,"GET OVER IT." Maybe people want to.Maybe, THEY are the screwed up ones who can't let a person cry when their heart is broken. Ever think of that?
Maybe, the screwed up one is the "Get over it"one and the healthy one is the crying one?
Could be, Could be,Could be.........
 Anyway, enough of that and on to more lists.
 

 

[Ami]

 

If a person protects THEMSELVES first , are they BAD?
If a person does not help other people's emotions,are they BAD?
If a person does not help s/one who just put their foot in their mouth, are they BAD?
 If a person's world revolves around them ,first, are they BAD or is that just how healthy people are?
 I think Blackie would answer Yes to the last one but Whitie has reservations.

Steve would get this post. He wrote about being your own universe. That is what I am saying, Steve. You have to be your own universe. Isn't that what being centered is?
 I am tired of being s/one else's universe. Mine is kind of neat when I can find it?

[Ami]

My guitar teacher gives me the answer about "Get Over it". He says ,"It is NOT  for any person to tell another to get over it. Only God can fix. People can support and if they can't, they should leave."
 My guitar teacher, normie. I love him!      Whitie/Blackie

                                    

[Meh]

Who care's about people that say "get over it" ?  I think this "get over it" thing is trolling. A person looking to start a conflict.



I think if a person has not "gotten over it" it means that there is still a wound there.

I told myself to "get over it", I made myself get over it. My life moved on and looked different and I had fun for a while but I only COVERED UP the wound with a bandage of fun. The wound did not heal under this bandage.

My wound was reopened. Now I'm trying to heal it rather then merely bandaging it up so other people don't have to see me bleed.

I'm bleeding all over with my wounded emotions and I'm ok with that.



OK, If my toe was cut off in a lawn mower accident and I yelled at my own toe "GET OVER IT". Would that make any sense?

[Ami]

 You have to find your own way.
 Whitie needs to be Whitie. Blackie needs to be Blackie.
 That is their quest.
 You sense of self has to be in you and God, the core of it anyway. You can love a few people you hand pick but the rest cannot matter.
 That  has to be a fundamental way to live life.
 It has to be. It is a law of life, I think.
 You have to stay centered in you,not pulled this way and that, to trust yourself, your heart, your soul, your instincts. You belong on this earth ,as you, cuz God made you and that is the last word, AMEN.
 

[Meh]

Ok, Ami, I still see open books with blank pages. I always see these.

You own them if you want.

You own the writing room if you want. The pen is yours.

Maybe the pen is black and white with zebra stripes? Or Dalmatian print? Maybe it is a plain bic? Maybe it is gold plated?

The pages maybe they are marbled on the edges.

Maybe your dog is lying at your feet in your writing room, maybe the dog has it's head resting in your lap?

Maybe your dog talks to you in your writing room, maybe he/she tells you to keep writing.

Who knows maybe Mother Teresa is there sitting in the corner of the writing room so that you don't have to be her?

Maybe your shoes are off and you have a lawn growing in your writing room and your feet are in warm mud.

Maybe you have a cozy grandma-blanket around your shoulders.

Maybe there is a skylight and you can look up through the ceiling and see stars and the night sky.


 

[Ami]

(((((Helen))))))
                                                                                                  Ami

[Meh]

Ami,

I can see you trying things out, questioning, making progress, socializing with your 3-D group. Checking out your own life, getting to know yourself better. I see you working on important pieces of your essential self in your posts. I see you still making music despite all the stuff you have been through.

I suspect you are stronger then you know.

[Ami]

Thank you Helen. You can see me and I appreciate that .                                   Ami