The Million Dollar Question

[Ales2]

Hi Everyone, 
I am a new member, although I have been dealing with the voicelessness and narcissistic parent issue since it was discovered about a year ago. I'm in recovery mode, and many things in my life are improving, but there is one lingering question I have trouble with.  Since its generally recognized that voicelessness has an unconscious aspect to it, I wondered how I can learn or change the energy I put into the world that attracts narcissists (mostly bosses) into my life.  I do believe in the law of attraction and know that it works, happy well adjusted people attract other happy well adjusted people etc. I also read the Townsend/Cloud book titled Healing Changes and Safe People.  Is there anyone else out there with suggestions about how to change what it is that I am attracting?  Also, I am aware that having boundaries and being asserive helps, carrying myself with authority, making eye contact with others, all that stuff, I get that. I should also note that the types of Ns that I meet become manipulators and verbal abusers, but generally, not from the beginning. Like the frog in the water, they turn up the heat slowly. I think I could recognize the hot water right away, but not the more subtle types.  I look forward to your responses.

[Ami]

Dear Ales,
 That is a wonderful question. I commend you on formulating and asking it b/c it seems you must have done healing even to get there!
 I will think about what you asked, even though mine has  been with male/female relationships not bosses or even other woman.
 I will get back later after cogitating                                        Ami

[Dreamedeeri]

Hi Ales, good to see you here.

That is the million dollar question for me now too. I've learned how to avoid raging, abusive Ns, both in the workplace and in my personal relationships, but it's the subtle ones that I am really having problems with now. I'm stuck in a place where I hardly trust anybody right now, having noticed how many of them are Ns, except a handful of my oldest friends (and some of them are N-ish too), but I'm not meeting the well-adjusted people either. Well, I guess I'm not feeling all that well-adjusted myself right now, but I'm still afraid that as I heal more, I'll project that "victim" vibe out into the world, despite my outward actions. Thanks for the reminder about boundaries, etc. I realize part of my work right now is to not be so "eager to please"--I'm not exactly a people-pleaser, not with everybody, but for example I got sucked into some volunteer work that is not good for me and I never should have said "yes" to in the first place. I was flattered to be asked, but now I realize I should have said "no" and not worried about looking "selfish". Anyway, I'm off in a tangent--I'm eager to hear what other folks are doing to change this dynamic.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I agree, that is a fantastic and indeed million-dollar question. I don't necessarily think it is just about us attracting Ns to ourselves, it is also about US being unconsciously attracted to Ns (because it feels familiar, if not nice). I recently had to deal with some new Ns in my life, and I was sooo frustrated, asking myself, "Why oh why do I have to keep reliving the same old dramas?"

Right now I am in a place where I am disengaged from a lot of the people I used to be engaged with. Because those people are Ns, that sounds good ... but it feels lonely. I also am forcing myself not to be too quick to re-engage with new people because I don't want to repeat the old dramas. I am forcing myself to live in the in-between space, to learn to be comfortable with disengagement ... because when I re-engage, I want it to be with appropriate boundaries between me and others.

IMO, the main thing you can do is HEAL. Work on healing and not getting involved with people that open up old wounds. When I say, don't get involved with them, I don't mean quit your job. Unless of course another opportunity comes up that you want to take. I just mean, put as big of a space between you and them (physically and mentally) as you can. Don't tell them anything you don't absolutely 100% have to tell them. No personal information. That includes responding to what they tell you.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I think eventually when we heal enough, we will not be N-magnets!!!! I really really believe that!!!!!

[KatG]

Hi Ales2, great topic, million $ Q indeed.
I think narc's are great at deceiving people in the beginning, why wouldn't they be - they know they need to gain your loyalty first before they use you.  The book Wizard of Oz and other narcissists was extremely helpful for me.  It helps pick these people out in different areas of life - including work.   Great responses, looking forward to more.

[Gabben]

Good question and one I have pondered much.

One thing that comes to mind is for me to ask myself how I feel around a particular person. My roommate is a huge N. When I interviewed her I recall thinking to myself, as she was leaving the interview, "wow! that is just about the kindest, most empathetic, warm hearted, could not hurt a fly kinda person that I want to live with." Her N tendencies were well covered over in her covert mask of sanity. It was after a month of living with her, being "slow cooked," as you say, her daily inconsiderate and very selfish ways that at first I just kept making kind excuses for her, telling myself well she must just be overwhelmed with moving and needs time to adjust and get to know me my and the place. She seemed to show very little common sense about living with others.   But, then, after her third dinner party less than three weeks, her friends were starting to become permanent fixtures and I could not even use my living room on a weekend, I said something to her about her behavior. She gave me the silent treatment for 2 months and tried to turn my other roommate against me.

It has been months now and things have worked out OK between us. I made mistakes, as is the case when not knowing someone well enough to know how to cope.

Looking back I can see now that she was projecting that kind mask or rather manipulating me into THINKING something about her rather than feeling my gut out, manipulators are good at putting thoughts into your head, overriding your gut. So I guess I learned to listen more carefully to my gut when meeting people and question, lovingly more where they are coming from rather than just blindly accepting them at first meeting as a kind person, I have always projected parts of myself onto others----need to stop doing that.

Deep down I want to believe that ALL are good and not manipulating.