Struggling with loathing

[Hopalong]

Hi all, need to work on something on a new level if I can.

Here's the thing. First, you know my boss is seriously N. Regrettably, I'm the main recipient of his veiled contempt, humiliations, capricious kicks and bruisings. It doesn't happen every day, but when it does, it's really painful. (Mercifully, he's gone to Europe for a week...allelu!)

The gist of it is the usual: putting me "in my place", making sure I don't feel "special", belittling, devaluing and underplaying my accomplishments, excluding me from my peers (making clear I'm not the peer of the males). While at the same time my skills have had a lot to do with the growth of the company. I've described it all.

There's absolutely no question I should not work there any longer than I have to. The truth is, however, in this economic time (with need for a mortgage about to happen, weeks or months, but this year) I cannot just bail. Being near 60, white-haired, and in a competitive town crawling with overqualified people, a new job won't be found quickly. For now...I have to be there. It's where I spend my days.

My challenge to myself is this: when he does one of his "kicks" or "punches" (that's what his putdowns feel like)...I struggle with real hatred. And that makes me feel sick. I have gone most years of my life, even decades, not feeling anything quite that powerful -- for anyone. Although at times I hated my Nmother, it was always balanced with love and compassion. It wasn't routine, constant, or soul-eroding. And likewise, I have hated my Nbrother, it always yields because I do pity him.

The situation with my boss is toxic. And in my precious free time (like right now) I find myself ruminating about it and reliving it. I am trying to do thought-stopping because otherwise, I am giving him my WHOLE day, not just work hours. But it's very very hard to shift gears, not have the hopelessness bleed from one area of my life (work) into another (home and security building).

I'm getting in some awesome boundary practice. I am learning to go sort of blank and nonreactive and neutral and submissive, kind of not give him a target. I think this is the right approach. Fighting for myself does not work with him.

Anyway, what I want to work on is how to have a sense of personal power that increases my ability to NOT let him get to me. He's inventive and dishonest. He gushes and schmoozes and then slips in the shank.

I find myself thinking, He is a bad person. He is evil. (Mutter, mutter...) Well, those are rough words and what good do they do? In normal living, I'd remind myself: Nalert, Nradar's functioning, all good...Avoid This Person.

But you can't avoid someone who sits in a room behind you with his door open, listens to every word you day during the course of your work, micromanages what you do, and gets a charge out of hurting you.

A chiropractor who works down the sidewalk from me said to me one day that she carries an image that goes like this:

I am surrounded by roses. There is nothing but beauty close to me. But the roses also have thorns, a wall of them, and they protect me.

This is the kind of aura or shield I need to develop. But beyond that, I REALLY REALLY don't want to experience frequent hatred. It's harmful to me and unbalances my sense of who I want to be.

That's it. I would welcome any thoughts...

thanks for listening,

Hops

[seasons]

Good morning (Hops),

This is the kind of aura or shield I need to develop. But beyond that, I REALLY REALLY don't want to experience frequent hatred. It's harmful to me and unbalances my sense of who I want to be.

This struck a deep cord with me. I understand when you are so drowned in the depths of Nism, and I understand each relationship is different. The ones that leave you filled with such hate and animosity... insults and causes injury to your true self.
I feel so much weight lifted now that I am LC/NC with my n's.
It's almost impossible not to get so angry and filled with hatred when you are abused everyday.

Hops I understand now is not the time to walk out, with a new mortgage in your short future. You sadly, need this job which includes him. Ouch! sorry!!
On the brighter side, you have a plan.
You are going to leave and find a new job, a job that is most importantly filled with healthy people, NO N's or at least no N boss. Yippee
Could you keep a calender, make a count down to your new journey. Looking for a new job, which equals freedom and peace.
Keep a journal of your dream job, what you want and need from the company.

Work on your shield. You have been through so much. Deflect, Reject, all of his Cruelty and LIES!

Hang on for just a bit longer? Use the "BIG CHILL."

I'm sure many with have great advice. I just wanted to add my support as you navigate through your journey..........take this job and shove it!

Best wishes, seasons

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - you are in a tough place.  I know what you mean about a tough job market.  Even still, looking around might give you hope for a way out while you are stuck there for now.

I have posted this before.  It may or may not appeal to you.  I found it very helpful this past spring.  I committed to reciting it daily for 30 days and by the end of that time I didn't feel different but slowly but surely my attitude began shifting and that shift was definitely a big help.

Here is a revised version.  I suspect you can find the original by googling "Mandela's Prayer".  I changed some of the wording slightly where it helped me.  I could tell when something didn't ring true to me - I kept stumbling over it.

Hope it helps a little.  Love and courage to you - GS

Mandela’s Prayer (revised)

My Greatest Fear is not that I am inadequate.
My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure.
It is my light not my darkness that most frightens me.
I was born to make manifest the glory of God within me.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around me.
My playing small doesn’t serve the world.
I am a child of God.
My mother excoriates, “Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
Actually, who am I not to be?
It is not just in some of us,
it is in every one,
And as I let my own light shine,
I unconsciously give other people Permission
to do the same.
As I am liberated from my own fear,
My presence automatically liberates others.

[lighter]

Before I move to difficult feelings, like the ones you're dealing with, Hops.....
 
I first try to ask myself why that person is acting that way.

Something happened to your boss that he spends so much time being an ass hat.

Then, I try to feel good about not being whomever cut me off in traffic, gave me rude service, said something innapropriate to my children, etc....

and go on with my day.

There are times when I dwell on negative hurtful things.....

no way around that, but.....

the less the better.

Mo2



Mo2

[sKePTiKal]

Ya, Hops - right there with ya after last night's unwarranted attack (same old, same old) from my brother.

I get totally what you're saying about dealing with the hatred. How just having that feeling brings with it, the sense that "they've" won.... that you suffer from feeling that feeling - justified as it is. Took me three hours to finally go to sleep last night; mulling it over analytically, compassionately, and just giving in to the feeling. Finally, I just told myself that it wasn't going to go away - it would be there in the morning, and that I needed rest now and would resume the next day.

Sure 'nuff, I had insight that gave birth to a plan this morning. (luck, maybe...)

In a way, what you need - what I need - is reprogramming. So that our reactions to those kicks & punches are different. Something that protects us from feeling those ugly feelings, yet is effective for "going on" with the Ns. It is a fact of life that we can't go NC with all the Ns in the world, when it suits us. In my case, I made a conscious decision that I would "stick it out" with my brother - knowing full well what I'd have to endure.

One thing hubby has worked on with me, is not taking the Ns behavior personally. It's always much less to do with me, than it is the N. If I can remember to see it in this light - then I can sometimes see how to avoid getting caught in that "loop" where the N makes the rules and changes them, to suit him/herself. Having my natural emotional reaction - justified reaction - is what gets me caught every single time. It's almost as if I need to have present with me, in each interaction, an angel or spirit guide who reminds me that the person I'm interacting with is not a human... and therefore there is no real context for my (otherwise justified) emotion.

Let me phrase that a bit differently. My anger, disgust, & exasperation would be entirely justified if I were dealing with a "human being". Because I am not, my feelings don't make sense and only serve to turn up the intensity of my misery - for me. The hard part is remembering that these people aren't human, at least when they are in this mode. They are predators with an unholy agenda... as far as I'm concerned. Even my cats & dog came to me last night to offer empathy... and to help me recover my equilibrium. You know - safety.

I'm still sorting this out, too. I don't even have a definitive "answer" for myself. My plan, since I know that my brother has suffered the same abusive situation as myself, is to write him a heartfelt explanation of what it appears to me he does not understand about himself, the situation, and what I see him doing. I still cling to the hope that he may be redeemable - but it will take work. Mostly HIS. And in the process of that letter, I also intend to define the "line in the sand" boundary of where he is trespassing. It's got to be more effective than my barely stifled anger.

As for your boss... honey, I know. I used to smoke double both before and after I had to meet with mine. Trying to cover his "stink" I guess... or purify the creepiness with fire. But, if you met a snake out in your garden.... would you let him pass doing his snaky things... and realize he had the right to exist in his world... and stand aside, in yours? And could you do that with your boss?

[bearwithme]

Hops,

This has bothered you for some time, I can see that.  You want to build that wall so badly and either deflect the pain and dishonesty or keep it at a distance where you know it's there, but it does not bother you.  But how can you do this?  How can you build that boundary?  It defies logic.  You can't.  You are who you are and if a person wrongs you they have wronged you.  Period.  You can't change the judgment of that.  That is what sets you apart from the N.  You can work on minimizing it but there is no guarantee that you will find peace in that either.  That is a lot of hard work you have to do in addition to doing your job, which involves your free thinking mind and devotion to what you do.  All the time and energy to "try" and empower yourself and efforts to "not" let him get to you is a full time job in itself.  Maybe futile.

You already have "personal power" that increases your ability to cope with all that life has thrown your way.  You must not think you have to do a better job of this anymore or try to learn any moving target tricks.  Evil is evil and your conscience will always recognize it that way and you can't "unlearn" this.  It's like what is called fight or flight.  When you are around danger your adrenaline kicks in, in order for you to survive.  A physiological response.  We are hard wired that way.  This is a good thing and who would want to change that.  When you are around someone hurtful, dishonest and abusive, I believe it triggers similar responses. Our tolerances for pain and/or hurt determine our actions.   We can work our patooties off trying to live in their world and shielding ourselves with our goodhearted armour but no one but ourselves is forcing us to do so.  We decide what is tolerable for ourselves and what is not.  It seems you are more scared of leaving than dealing with your N boss when what you fear is just imagined--the old "what if" dilemma.  But what you don't know is that you are in a win-win situation, you just have to realize that and I have faith that something good is going to turn out from all this.

I apologize for sounding harsh.  I wish I could help you deal better with your N boss without you having to even work at it.  He doesn't deserve more time and energy from you in the work place.  ((((((Hops))))))))

Bear

[sKePTiKal]

Hops,

an odd coincidence - just after posting yesterday I got a call from my old subordinate at school. She was just fired yesterday afternoon, and indicated that my replacement was on shaky ground, also. The sub had taken a very assertive stance with the Nboss. He kept changing the rules... and is infamous for having different rules for women, than the men in his dept. Nboss is demanding that my replacement work as many hours as he wants - even though her daughter was just diagnosed with lymphoma a month or so ago. I'm sure I'll hear more about this later... but it gave me a bit of insight into that mess, looking from the outside in.

Over the years there, I think I subconsciously took on the role of trying to ameliorate or mitigate the damage on others, from the unreasonable demands. When the tone in the dept got hostile and oppressive, I would lay low and quietly connect with whomever was the target of the day... let them vent, console, help them find the perverse humor in the situation. They did the same for me, when I was the target. There developed an ad hoc "support group" within the dept. who all recognized the insanity we were dealing with and together came up with "survival strategies" and stress relievers. We were like prisoners in a concentration camp, I guess. There were always celebratory parties for people who "got free" and left. At least we had each other... and we all KNEW the truth of the situation. Others, Nboss' superiors, knew also... and despite the fact that the president of the school is a woman conscious of and championing women's rights - nothing was ever done about Nboss.

We knew we were powerless to change the situation. We accepted this and that the only option was to leave. Often we would lean toward the side of helping him hang himself. But none of us were immune to our own emotional responses; no one ever successfully developed a way to not respond to the crazy-making, the injustices, or the flat-out stupidity and meanness of Nboss. The best we could do was lend support and perspective to each other, until we calmed down and the emotion passed or got down to a manageable level. And we knew and accepted that without warning, it could be us who was upset - again.

I eventually realized that I didn't exist to him as a real person. I was an asset that he could leverage - and often did & successfully - to gain "brownie points" with his superiors. He took credit for my work on a regular basis. So, I decided that the job was simply my "income" - a paycheck. While I was going through the worst of my emotional vulnerability a year or so ago, I decided to lock the door to my office whenever I needed to create a safe zone for myself. My explanation to him, was that I was trying to minimize interruptions and that being startled by someone could cause me to push a wrong button - causing a bigger problem than the one I was trying to fix. Why not start with being allowed to close the door between your offices? Perhaps not all the time, but once in a while. Just say it's to help your concentration. See if it flies.

I did, after awhile, feel beseiged in the office... but at least I could control whether he was able to enter my space at will. He took to calling me, after a few months of that. And the only thing I could do that effectively shielded me from my own emotional reactions, was to play Bejewelled. It was very, very soothing. Sometimes, being outside would help... watching the birds, noticing the plants... the sky. Some people walked on a regular basis. It was important to look at both inner/outer reality and take stock of what Nboss couldn't touch, change or affect. That helped some. But I never completely conquered the emotional reactions. I'm just not that saintly... and since defending my boundaries is one of my weak areas... I didn't WANT to completely let go the justified emotions.

So I linked them to the place where they spawned and left them at work; my husband didn't want me to bring toxic emotions home either... and I found ways - just tiny rituals, of leaving the emotions of the day there. Sometimes I'd just drive home very slowly... and look at the world around me. Sometimes, I would hang up a sweater and "take off" the emotions. Sometimes, I could "turn it all off" as I turned all my lamps off. I would wash the tea out of my cup... simple tasks became infused with this special meaning, for me. But under it all was the consciousness of leaving the crap THERE and going to a safe, clean, nurturing space.

Hope that helps or gives you more ideas - this is a great topic.

[Hopalong]

Seasons, thank you.
For the empathy and the inspiration.

Hmm. I guess I can write all day at work, post here, but can't make another writing-based "assignment".
Maybe this board is equivalent to journaling! But I really responded to your suggestion about visualizing a positive, happy workplace, filled with NON-Ns. Wow, that is a wonder worth contemplating.

thank you for your caring, and sending such kind support.
It really helps, a lot.

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

GS...thanks for your Mandela prayer.
I love "there is nothing enlightened about shrinking..."

One thing that may be "the gift within the problem" is the opportunity to try out assertive, nonaggressive strength...with some subtlety. If I think of every day as an opportunity to modulate and work with my own personality, responding as needed to his, then maybe it will help.

thanks for caring and sharing your remarkable adaptation of Mandela with me.

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

M02, you're right, there are reasons why my boss is an N.
I believe in every case (including my mother's) there is a genetic vulnerability, and the rest is What Happens.

I don't know much about his early childhood save that he was raised Catholic, his father was a carpenter who worked long and hard and didn't talk. He never mentioned any sexual abuse but somewhere, he absorbed a terror about and obsession with sexuality. In his early 20s Nboss entered a yoga ashram where he lived as a devotee for 20 years: renunciate (even during years of his marriage), crawled across the floor to kiss the guru's feet, became one of the main bookkeeping/accounting people for the ashram, did a lot of yoga (he once referred to himself as an "enlightened guru" on our company's web site--sigh). After the ashram's guru was brought down in a sex scandal for abusing girls, Nboss and his family left. He either initiated or joined a class action suit against the guru and he and several others are now co-owners of an island they're trying to sell. With the money they got from an earlier settlement with the guru, he started the company.

When we first met he said I'm in my 50s but I'm really 20-something, and I understood him. He had missed so much social change by living in an unreal community that he really didn't "get" a lot of things. I had compassion for that, and leapt into the role of being a supersupportive, loving friend. He ate it up. Gradually, as business grew, though...he started acting out his feelings about women, on me.

Did I tell you when I was using his scanner, I found a file (didn't open it, it was just right there) on his Desktop named "Asshole Wife"? (Pardon my French.)

I remember when I saw that I just felt sad. And angry. He has such a sense of entitlement to act out all his stuff on me. And I don't like to imagine what it's like for her.

I work closely with his son (22), who often goes pale and assumes the same "blank, nonreactive" expression I'm now trying to learn to do. (He is very controlling of him as well. The toxicity of having him for a father...I can't imagine...). He's a sweet young man and I like him.

I do feel sorry for the damage in Nboss's life that caused him to be what he is.

I just can't AFFORD to be feeling it, at least not in his presence.

thanks,
Hops

[Hopalong]

PR, thank you...
I like this very much:

if you met a snake out in your garden.... would you let him pass doing his snaky things... and realize he had the right to exist in his world... and stand aside, in yours? And could you do that with your boss?

I think I can do that philosophically.

In the moment, when he's belittling me, I have to stand at attention, more or less. Standing aside would feel like more of a choice. But what you're really getting at, I think, and what I CAN continue to learn how to do and practice, is to stand aside internally, privately, within my own mind, so that even if I'm saluting, I am safe.

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

Hi Bear,

You must not think you have to do a better job of this anymore or try to learn any moving target tricks.  Evil is evil and your conscience will always recognize it that way and you can't "unlearn" this

.

Thank you for that, it was very validating. Moving target, no, but maybe I do have to learn some form of absorption. It's a Zen thing (not that I've ever practiced Zen). I think what I'm getting at is that I know rationally I am not in literal danger, so I must just...cope.

If I could learn not so much to smother my own emotions but simply to get so much more detached that I don't even feel them rise, it would be easier. Hmm. Not sure I like the sound of that though. I don't want to be numb. I think my feelings have been stuffed for a long time.

It seems you are more scared of leaving than dealing with your N boss when what you fear is just imagined--the old "what if" dilemma.

If I left without a new job to go to, I would lose my home. It does scare me.

I really appreciated your thinking in my behalf, and it felt rousing and bracing and not harsh at all.

Thanks,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Amber, I love your close-of-day rituals and awareness.
Those are wonderful examples.
I usually am preoccupied with back pain by the end of the day.
But I can make that better with more discipline.

I will think about new ways to release it when I leave there.

Tired as I am, I have found that dragging myself to a church meeting, if it's something I care about (I'm on a eco-oriented committee, as I'm sort of "green" obsessed)...that does help. I am soooooo tired when I add something in the evenings, but now and then it's worth doing. It takes me out of myself and reminds me of the larger community.

So glad you're in my community too...

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

it is knowing that I am making a choice that makes it possible to have a good life in the midst of that kind of treatment

CB, that's not a small part at all. Thank you. So well and clearly put, as ever (I think you have a heart-to-voice channel that's very straight and clear).

It really is the biggest part of all. Some things that serve a greater good (in this case, survival) are just difficult.

If I remind myself that I am DOING this (going to work) rather than having it DONE to me, that helps. In the specific moments when he's trying to hurt me, I'll think of something like, here I am in the ring, and I can dodge these blows. He'll box until he wears himself out or loses interest, because I will not let him feel his fist connect.

That'll reduce the satisfaction he takes in it.

love and thanks,
Hops

[Hopalong]

PR, it's interesting you mentioned that. Yesterday I approached one of the colleagues I do like and trust, and explained to him though I do NOT expect him to "manage" or "fix it", because the struggle that goes on between Nboss and me is hardwired personality stuff (he's finally begun to witness it, I believe) -- it would really help me cope if I could talk to him about it for about 15 minutes once a month, because it's very painful.

He was very willing. (He and his wife do the NVC, or Nonviolent Communication, workshops, and are literally looking for people to "practice" on!)

So that will relieve some of the stress. Even a silent witness is better than no witness at all.

As to office arrangements and doing things like closing doors and computer escapes:

I do not have an office, I'm in an open area outside my boss's office. He comes out of his office frequently and irregularly, and always inspects my monitor as he goes by.
So no door closing or retreating. I occasionally sneak on VESMB when he's on the phone. But it's tense.

I asked to take two 10-minute walk breaks a day to ease my back and he gave me a hard time about it, wanted me to add hours to the week.

He really is an exploiter. My colleague does notice and does not like this.

But anyway, I remember my own offices from previous chapters with much nostalgia.

love,
Hops