Hi all, need to work on something on a new level if I can.
Here's the thing. First, you know my boss is seriously N. Regrettably, I'm the main recipient of his veiled contempt, humiliations, capricious kicks and bruisings. It doesn't happen every day, but when it does, it's really painful. (Mercifully, he's gone to Europe for a week...allelu!)
The gist of it is the usual: putting me "in my place", making sure I don't feel "special", belittling, devaluing and underplaying my accomplishments, excluding me from my peers (making clear I'm not the peer of the males). While at the same time my skills have had a lot to do with the growth of the company. I've described it all.
There's absolutely no question I should not work there any longer than I have to. The truth is, however, in this economic time (with need for a mortgage about to happen, weeks or months, but this year) I cannot just bail. Being near 60, white-haired, and in a competitive town crawling with overqualified people, a new job won't be found quickly. For now...I have to be there. It's where I spend my days.
My challenge to myself is this: when he does one of his "kicks" or "punches" (that's what his putdowns feel like)...I struggle with real hatred. And that makes me feel sick. I have gone most years of my life, even decades, not feeling anything quite that powerful -- for anyone. Although at times I hated my Nmother, it was always balanced with love and compassion. It wasn't routine, constant, or soul-eroding. And likewise, I have hated my Nbrother, it always yields because I do pity him.
The situation with my boss is toxic. And in my precious free time (like right now) I find myself ruminating about it and reliving it. I am trying to do thought-stopping because otherwise, I am giving him my WHOLE day, not just work hours. But it's very very hard to shift gears, not have the hopelessness bleed from one area of my life (work) into another (home and security building).
I'm getting in some awesome boundary practice. I am learning to go sort of blank and nonreactive and neutral and submissive, kind of not give him a target. I think this is the right approach. Fighting for myself does not work with him.
Anyway, what I want to work on is how to have a sense of personal power that increases my ability to NOT let him get to me. He's inventive and dishonest. He gushes and schmoozes and then slips in the shank.
I find myself thinking, He is a bad person. He is evil. (Mutter, mutter...) Well, those are rough words and what good do they do? In normal living, I'd remind myself: Nalert, Nradar's functioning, all good...Avoid This Person.
But you can't avoid someone who sits in a room behind you with his door open, listens to every word you day during the course of your work, micromanages what you do, and gets a charge out of hurting you.
A chiropractor who works down the sidewalk from me said to me one day that she carries an image that goes like this:
I am surrounded by roses. There is nothing but beauty close to me. But the roses also have thorns, a wall of them, and they protect me.
This is the kind of aura or shield I need to develop. But beyond that, I REALLY REALLY don't want to experience frequent hatred. It's harmful to me and unbalances my sense of who I want to be.
That's it. I would welcome any thoughts...
thanks for listening,
Hops