Loving Powerful People

[Sealynx]

In one of his essays, Doctor G talks about seeking out people we feel are powerful and relating to them as a way to find value in ourselves and have our voice heard by someone who can give it the importance our parents refused to bestow. He talks about how this need can draw us into relationships with N's who are more than willing to be powerful and accept our submission.

I realize that I have been very lucky in the respect that only two powerful N's chose me during this lifetime and the ones I chose rejected me or treated me so badly from the onset that no relationship formed. My shame at rejection won out over my need to feel valued by them. I'm wondering if we have a similar pattern in terms of who we find attractive (in the powerful sort of way). I think I have always been drawn to those who were valued for their looks. I was never told I was pretty by my family and never encouraged to even brush my hair before I left in the morning. In the physical sense, I didn't exist.

As if to somehow earn this status by association, I have  chosen friends who are much more attractive than I am.  Most of them have spent their lives being noticed simply for walking into a room. They have a whole persona built around this trait. Though I am not a dog. I am constantly ignored by people we meet when we go out. Not only do I lack their physical confidence, but my strong points socially (depth and a dry sense of humor)  never get a chance to shine. Conversations are almost always superficial. Some of them have known me for years and they like me for who I am, but the people we meet when we go out are never "my type". I'm not sure how to cure this problem, especially since finding friends at all is a problem.

Has anyone else seen a pattern to their attractions that may be causing them harm?

[SilverLining]

Has anyone else seen a pattern to their attractions that may be causing them harm?

Hi Sealynx.  For me the pattern has been attraction to two types:  1 Powerful substitute parent figures,  such as bosses,  who seemed to pick up on the pattern and used it to squeeze me dry in often shoddy work situations.  I worked like a dog for a few shreds of approval, and hung around too long in low quality jobs.   2:  people who end up demonstrating severe dysfunctions, such as N-ism, alcoholism, e.t.c..   I have seemed to be a magnet for this type.  It's as if they sense I am used to dealing with their patterns of self absorption.   

[rugrats5]

I always seem to look up to people with power, such as police, even though i can't stand them, there is this deep aching that i wish the police would have protected me,,,they didnt protect me as teen, some officers raped me, gave me alcohol. Also when I was a teen and reported that I had been raped when i was 11 & 12 years old, the police officer went to my house and talked to my mom but could not convince my mom to press charges and deep inside when I see charges pressed and I kid taken care of I do get jealous, I will admit, that I was not taken care of,, it hurts that my mother let the guy get away and i never did tell her about the cops since she didnt do anything when the officer cam to our house. Is it wron to be jealous, is it a N jealousy or is it just a child feeling that she wanted to be protected by her mother? Please help as I definetly do not want to be like my NM.

[Ami]

I always seem to look up to people with power, such as police, even though i can't stand them, there is this deep aching that i wish the police would have protected me,,,they didnt protect me as teen, some officers raped me, gave me alcohol. Also when I was a teen and reported that I had been raped when i was 11 & 12 years old, the police officer went to my house and talked to my mom but could not convince my mom to press charges and deep inside when I see charges pressed and I kid taken care of I do get jealous, I will admit, that I was not taken care of,, it hurts that my mother let the guy get away and i never did tell her about the cops since she didnt do anything when the officer cam to our house. Is it wron to be jealous, is it a N jealousy or is it just a child feeling that she wanted to be protected by her mother? Please help as I definetly do not want to be like my NM.

Sweetie
  Are you in your twenties? I was like you, SO afraid I was an N. I still can get freaked about it. You have a sweetness and a beauty that no N I can imagine would have. Keep writing, love.                           Ami

[rugrats5]

no actually i  just turned 41 but  my mom kept me from growing up emotionally..i think at times i am not emothinally 41 and then at other times i do feel that I act 41. My sister is 27 and definetly does not act 27, she acts like 20..It's not so much my behaior but my thinking. At times I have made poor chioces regarding my children but my therapist says I didnt have a good role model and if I didn't know what to do, then I can't blame myself soley but I have to accept that I did make some poor decisions and grown from it and dont do it again. I am trying to learn all i can..see iwas trying to be the complete oppsite of my NM the I went the other end and it was not good for my kids that way either, but she said I am definetly not N and that I love my kids unlike my mother and that i will get through this...

[Gabben]

Sealynx,

Your post makes perfect sense. I think that wounded people, who did not get much attention or who suffer from a low sense of self value because of our N upbringing, not getting mirrored in genuine love, gravitate toward celebrities or important people. Even just our teachers or unconsciously our bosses, giving them far more power than they deserve to have in order to rewrite the unhealed story of what it was like to not be valued or feel important to our parents, at least not our emotional life.

When I was 15 I was taken out of my home by the police and placed in protective custody with CPS. The counselors and social workers, judge, etc., did much in terms of healing this wound for me. They, in their compassion, really validated my pain and truth as well as showed me that I was valued, they did not even know me but they worked, fighting to protect me from my NM, standing up for me. I think that in the midst of the darkness of being taken away from my family there was this profound healing going on for me, or at least emotional and spiritual rescues for me that only in later years, by seeing myself not drawn to important people, or exaggeratively putting them up on a pedestal, do I see just how I learned that I was valued in just being here.  

[Sealynx]

Gabben,
A friend of mine used to be a child advocate for the court system. There are some really great people who do that kind of work. I'm so glad they were there for you!

[teartracks]

Hi Sealynx,

Most of them have spent their lives being noticed simply for walking into a room. They have a whole persona built around this trait.

Kind of like dancing monkeys?

tt

[Ami]

(((((Sealynx))))))                                 Ami

[Sealynx]

Hi Teartracks,
In this case the dancing monkeys are not my friends but the people who trip over themselves to impress them! It is like having a bird's eye view of just how superficial the human race is. I also think that when you grow up always being good looking, there are certain entitlements that you get without ever thinking about them or perhaps even wanting them. The world is just friendlier and you have nothing to compare not being beautiful too. Even when you get older the energy is still with you.

When I do things with my friend Helen, people are just plain nicer to us. When she smiles at someone there is guaranteed acceptance. It is the "winning" smile you see on commercials. We went out to Mardi Gras this year in costumes I made. I have made nice costumes before but never have I had so many people ask us to stop for a photo op. I often wondered if they were cutting me out of the pictures.

So maybe I should smile better, but she has had a lifetime of positive reactions and I have had just the opposite. Not only were people less likely to seek me out, but often I smiled at people as a way to try and lessen the impact of my mother's behavior on them. It was a smile of apology that was seldom met with anything other than the same anger my mother was inducing. In some ways these folks are instructional, but in others they just remind me of who I'm not. They are fine with encountering people on a superficial level, getting whatever they will give them and moving on.

I encounter people at much deeper level due to my having to always intuit my mother's next action. Often, I see what is behind the smile and back away because I know the person wants something. They are used to people wanting something from them that they have no intention of giving. They get what they need and just "move on". I think the people who approach them also accept that they might not "rate" these "beauties" and accept what they can get. I think people tend to be more demanding of average looking people because they can always get another of those. Its the old supply and demand, especially for women.

My closest friend is a guy who also has a body image problem. He is heavy for his height but far from obese. We hang out because we share interests and support each other in our relationships. Unfortunately since the storm we are living about 45 miles apart and he works a six day week so its hard to get together just for coffee or a movie. I think in his case he is extremely self critical and that makes him lack the courage to walk up to women.

I think you can't divorce the energy we walk around with from the experiences we had growing up. It is a hard thing to change your core.

[Gabben]

I think you can't divorce the energy we walk around with from the experiences we had growing up. It is a hard thing to change your core.

This line above is a mouthful, at least for me. My NM used to tell me that I was "ugly." She was mostly referring to my personality, she would tell me that my insides were ugly. When I heard her say this I took it to mean all of me was ugly. The funny thing was that I did not care if I was ugly on the outside, I recall sitting on my bed, after one of my mom's rages, contemplating that as long as I was good on the inside that it did not matter what I looked on the outside, I sat there thinking about all the girls at school who I thought were pretty realizing that they were pretty because they were nice.

Now I can see that my insides were not ugly at all.

[Meh]

I wonder if it is beauty or if it is a matter of how socially engaged we are that attracts people...

[Ami]

no actually i  just turned 41 but  my mom kept me from growing up emotionally..i think at times i am not emothinally 41 and then at other times i do feel that I act 41. My sister is 27 and definetly does not act 27, she acts like 20..It's not so much my behaior but my thinking. At times I have made poor chioces regarding my children but my therapist says I didnt have a good role model and if I didn't know what to do, then I can't blame myself soley but I have to accept that I did make some poor decisions and grown from it and dont do it again. I am trying to learn all i can..see iwas trying to be the complete oppsite of my NM the I went the other end and it was not good for my kids that way either, but she said I am definetly not N and that I love my kids unlike my mother and that i will get through this...

Don't feel badly. When I started on the Board, they l thought I was an adolescent. In fact ,another of my Board friends, a guy in his fifties, they thought was a kid  .     You are in good company.                                   xxoo   Ami

[Sealynx]

I think social engagement can be certain actions, but what really engages others is the energy. If you felt awkward as a child because of your mother's strange behavior, your hair cut, clothing etc. your attempts at social engagement would have been thwarted to one extent or another. It is not so much the ability to engage. I can do that well and do it for a living. It is the ability to make people want to engage you first. I think there is an energy to that which comes from the core of a person. You either have it or you don't. I know a very average looking woman who can pull almost anyone over to their table with a look. She was her father's favorite and he spent every afternoon doing her homework with her.  She felt very loved and special. She never considers that someone would not want to know her.

[Ami]

Hi Teartracks,
In this case the dancing monkeys are not my friends but the people who trip over themselves to impress them! It is like having a bird's eye view of just how superficial the human race is. I also think that when you grow up always being good looking, there are certain entitlements that you get without ever thinking about them or perhaps even wanting them. The world is just friendlier and you have nothing to compare not being beautiful too. Even when you get older the energy is still with you.

When I do things with my friend Helen, people are just plain nicer to us. When she smiles at someone there is guaranteed acceptance. It is the "winning" smile you see on commercials. We went out to Mardi Gras this year in costumes I made. I have made nice costumes before but never have I had so many people ask us to stop for a photo op. I often wondered if they were cutting me out of the pictures.

So maybe I should smile better, but she has had a lifetime of positive reactions and I have had just the opposite. Not only were people less likely to seek me out, but often I smiled at people as a way to try and lessen the impact of my mother's behavior on them. It was a smile of apology that was seldom met with anything other than the same anger my mother was inducing. In some ways these folks are instructional, but in others they just remind me of who I'm not. They are fine with encountering people on a superficial level, getting whatever they will give them and moving on.

I encounter people at much deeper level due to my having to always intuit my mother's next action. Often, I see what is behind the smile and back away because I know the person wants something. They are used to people wanting something from them that they have no intention of giving. They get what they need and just "move on". I think the people who approach them also accept that they might not "rate" these "beauties" and accept what they can get. I think people tend to be more demanding of average looking people because they can always get another of those. Its the old supply and demand, especially for women.

My closest friend is a guy who also has a body image problem. He is heavy for his height but far from obese. We hang out because we share interests and support each other in our relationships. Unfortunately since the storm we are living about 45 miles apart and he works a six day week so its hard to get together just for coffee or a movie. I think in his case he is extremely self critical and that makes him lack the courage to walk up to women.

I think you can't divorce the energy we walk around with from the experiences we had growing up. It is a hard thing to change your core.

Those  tapes,(((Sealynx) are very, very deep. Whatever the area you have them in, they are hard.I am so glad you are talking about them.
 My M always made me feel I was pretty. My M saw me as her sister and her sister is beautiful .My M  built me up as far as taking me shopping , buying me clothes and make-up  BUT she was super jealous of her sister and so tried to destroy me ,as well. However, I always had confidence in my appearance b/c of these tapes. I also felt confident about my intellect and creativity BUT she massacred my emotions and I almost died b/c of that.
 It is all about the old FOO (family of origin) messages we were given.I truly believe that am BAD when I say it. I am not kidding even though it sounds ridiculous . It is b/c my M was like a vulture on my emotions and thoughts.She became a therapist, too ,so that did not help b/c she had "credibility"
  The stuff runs deep. Can we change? I sure hope so. Sometimes I think yes, sometime no but at least we have each other on the Board  and are not alone.                BIG XXXXXXOOOOOO's to you                       Ami