Back to the psychotherapist, …. No more Ns---

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi all and especially the newbies to whom I have not said "Hello and Welcome"

99.9% of the time, life doesn’t work out! Here is my .1%

My life has been very ‘odd’ since being hit by that car in March, experiencing that excruciating pain, the nightmares and hallucinations from morphine and codeine, as never before, and not nearly the empathetic hospital care, as I had 40 years ago. Yes, that past seems to be all done and this is a ‘new life‘!

I went back to Dr. R. as nothing prior to March seems of any significance, as it felt like beginning a ‘new, different’ life, with no baggage. Excruciating pain at the uppermost, totally (almost) alone, people in my hospital records not called, drug induced hallucinations and nightmares that blended reality with the unreal, which was so far fetched that almost 70 years drifted away like a wisp of smoke. I was in the now and about to be killed by the N.

I don’t have amnesia, but that isn’t the point. All of that became unimportant as I dealt with this brand new painful injury, and nightmares, and no way could the pain make me think about anything else.  I quit my job, and don’t see those people anymore. I have had some wonderful people looking after me at home and I have been asserting myself for what I need---------- as in a ‘previous life’ I experienced all this before and knew what I needed, just from the intensive hospital care of one year.

I have no parents, siblings, children or grandchildren. I am independent and many helpers are making me more so, as each session goes by.  I am being praised for my improvements and hard work while learning to move my left leg again!

When I was told that my services were cut off, I said, loudly, “Get Real!” and made the driver’s Insurance Co delve further into the situation, to regain these services, and I let it be known that I sat all day awaiting a helper who had been told by the driver’s Insurance Co. to not come! She’s back!!

My physical therapist has come with me to my car to test me out, and says “No problem. You‘ll do it”, after 2 others said I might never drive again! (Pretty stupid since....hands up!... who drives with the left leg/foot?"....She has also had a dry run with my laundry room and with the bathtub---a bit slippery on both, but I’m not doing the real thing! Her reports state that.  That I am trying very hard, and doing very well, but am not yet ready, because of the pain (over 5 months now)  to drive, do my own laundry, with that double heavy locked fire door, and next Monday is a wet run in the tub, when I will likely slide all over and be not ready, just as the dry run.

Releasing the Ns, the toxic people, as I had done, this incident has put them further out of my mind, so that I cannot even be bothered thinking about them, as I am just struggling through the pain to be back to where I was, physically, but no way mentally/emotionally (No Way!) on March 26. I will then see that I have done this 10,000 times before on my own, but with always an N in the background to spoil my successes, make me feel useless and for me to not see what I see now.

I hope this is understandable, in my words, and if anyone gleans anything from it, I think the best would be to forget the N and the past, start a new life with brand new thoughts and inner strength...but don't go looking for a car to run over you!
Love

[Ami]

(((((Izzy))))                                                                                           Ami

[sKePTiKal]

OY! My dear Izzy...!! Still having pain, after all this time??!

There are pain clinics that might be able to help you figure out why... and what to do about it... and not necessarily another prescription, ya know?

But I am glad to hear that you're looking forward now, and not back. This might actually help with the pain, too in very subtle ways.

[Hopalong]

Pain management clinics.

yes yes yes

You have suffered so much, Izzy. You have been brave and open.

I thank you for still finding the strength to post here and let us know.

Sending love and softest pillows...

Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Ami, PR and Hops,

I told my psychotherapist that god really has it in for me, but his ways are certainly mysterious, because I would to go to the Office every Wed, about 1:00--w/b on Mar 25. A gal couldn’t make that day and time to give me about $6,000 for the ticket sales, and asked if I would change to Fri, Mar 27, at 1:00. I said OK. Then she called again to change it to 2:00 pm to accommodate another gal. for their meeting. So I went down to my car, that wouldn’t start, set off in the ‘chair (3½ blocks) and was hit by that driver. Nothing is ever just a coincidence. That was a ‘set-up!’  I know the Mafia didn’t arrange it!

Depending on what I type into Search, I find out more and more about  a broken femur. The common complaint is pain. Initially morphine and codeine will help, but at a later point, the pain is a sign of healing and nothing appears to help. One walkie, whose post I just read, is 3 years along and still in pain,  and some have weather-related aches/pains into the future.

Some keep their titanium hardware, some have it removed,  and I just read of a gal whose ‘pin’ came loose, but it was just sawed off  flush with the bone (malpractice there, as a cross-threaded pin was used, so couldn‘t be removed).  I read of one whose Ortho surgeon broke her knee during surgery (malpractice there too). Another was about a ‘walkie’ still not walking with crutches after 8 months.

Only 1% of cases become infected, and I was in that 1%, I guess, which made the really bad pain last longer, plus caused the removal of all hardware.

The main pain is in my groin, and that is where the head of the femur meets the hip bone (of which a corner was broken off, too) Think of the descending colon, pressing on that area at given times. (I gave my lawyer more detail that that. Yuk!)

All in all I consider myself pretty lucky and an awful statement made to me, “It’s a good job you were in a wheelchair to begin with” is more acceptable to me now, as I am just aiming for the same Range of Motion that I have in my right leg and I will be as before the incident.

The pain forces me to focus just on me and my mind does not ramble back to other things. Strangely, if a thought of something from the past strikes me, that thought just fades away with no ending, so in these 5+ months it has all been in the now and one day at a time, with 2 compassionate helpers.

Love
Izzy

[bearwithme]

((((((Izzy)))))))

You have brought up a great point.  What matters most?  And you have answered that.  You!  Not anything else.  Your health, happiness and healing are nothing but #1 in you life.  I think they should be in ours too.

Interesting how this happens.  I share your point with you: 10 years ago I was sent by 911 emergency to the hospital as I lost my ability to speak and my entire right side became paralyzed,  all within 30 seconds.  I thought I would not be able to speak ever again, let alone walk or move my face, arms and hands.  It resolved after about 2 hours but I feared I had a brain tumor or something seriously fatal.  After a battery of tests and the best neurologist in the world (thank God for this man), he diagnosed it as a complex migraine.  I was fine and still am (knock on wood).  But laying on that gurney not being able to speak or move, I had only one thought: "I love my life, I want it back, I don't care about anything else, I was really happy the way I was, really." 

You are a reminder for me to continue this thought.  Much of my life is wasted thinking about my NM and she seeps into my soul when I'm not looking.

I will send positive thought your way for your healing.  I hope you find relief, I really do.


Bear

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Bear,

thank you,

That must have been awful, that 'complex migraine' just coming out of the blue and causing paralysis! It's frightful and it's the unknown, and even 2 hours is enough to scare one to death.

My car crash 40 years ago left me paralyzed, but I only regained to the knees, so I was crutches and a chair up until a broken ankle in '03 made me chuck the crutches, for safety's sake, which unbeknownst to me, after all the years, my quads would go weak and I fell on my leg breaking tib/fib in '07. Any breaks below the knees were not painful at all. Just a conversation piece.

So enough of that says the power that is, and gave me a break that would pain so much I couldn't believe it! So yes, no thoughts of the Ns that occupied my mind, ruined my self esteem for many years, and, as I said, I cannot even finish a thought about those times, if it pops into my head. I also learned how people can die of pneumonia after a broken hip, and also if one does not struggle and push and give it all you've got...well I could see me going to a nursing home, instead of back home and being independent as before.

The longer the No Contact before, the less I thought of them, but they were still there, mucking around at the times I 'let down my guard'. To keep reliving the wrongs done is to keep oneself from growing beyond their 'torture, lies and crazy-making''.

So some times we have to be hit over the head, (or hit by a car) to knock some sense into us. I was a regular poster up until, although was lessening, when I was struck. Then I noticed all my posts were about me, and that my life and healing was all about me, and the pain was, and still is, there to remind me.

Thank you for the good thoughts, and I expect at least 8 months to be back to partially paralyzed, as it was 9+ months from total paralysis to ambulating on crutches. One year in hospital, 3 months in General healing my broken back and passive therapy, then 9 months in Rehab Hospital for the extensive active therapy.

We even have to watch what we say/think. Some people would ask,"If you can use crutches why don't you?" I would answer with, "Now that I am older, I don't want to fall and break a hip and end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life".   I must have said it once too often!  

Take Care
Izzy

[lighter]

Izzy:

Glad to read you're improving and getting what you need.

It's interesting.  A positive side effect of all the pain is.....

you don't/can't think about the N's any longer.

You're also N free for the first time, Izz.

A very good thing: )

Mo2

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Mo2

Free it would appear,YES, after 5 months of pain and keeping a daily journal about it, and other relevances, for my lawyer....
...wondering if I'll sleep tonight, or be up all night and sleep tomorrow.... and thankful, at the same time, that I have no dependants or other responsibilities to take my mind away from the mission at hand, my leg healing to where it had been....and being lazy for the first in my life.

There must be an expression about pretty things coming in badly wrapped packages.

Take good care
love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

I was reading about pain medications, Izz...thinking of you.
Are you on any of these?

Prialt works by blocking a contact point between nerve cells called a calcium channel. Other drugs do this, too. A seizure medication called Neurontin is regarded as one of the best drugs available for nerve pain, but it isn't readily absorbed at the higher doses some patients might need for effective pain relief. A new anti-seizure drug, Pfizer's Lyrica, appears to be one of the most promising drugs yet for diabetic nerve pain and pain linked to spinal cord injury.

Cymbalta, an antidepressant, is very effective on nerve pain (from diabetic neuropathy...but that means it's only that condition-pain combination that's been thoroughly studied so far...I was given it for back pain.) I don't take it any more because my body needed a vacation. But both that, and Neurontin, were very very helpful for my spinal pain at different times.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

::raising hand::

Oxycontin for pain, perhaps?

It's time released and lasts 10 to 12 hours at a go, which makes sleep and daily abolutions less stressful.

If taken properly, there's minimum fuzzy feeling, and relief from pain.

Some other meds, taken every 4 to 6 hours, cause more wooziness, and you have to take so many.  Difficult to stay on top of  when you're already compromised by pain, lack of sleep/mobility and wooziness.

Mo2

ps:  Glad to hear you're feeling properly cared for, Izz. 

[Izzy_*now*]

Hiya Hops and Mo2

Thanks for your interest and suggestions for painkillers. I have taken Lyrica before, as suggested for suspected neurological pain. I would say it works well enough, and after a time I stopped using it, --a long story about my hi-blood pressure med causing an ever increasing dry cough for over 5 years and at it’s worst, I stopped ALL my meds and insisted the Dr. just stop fiddling around and do something. He did and I haven’t needed it for the original reason.

I would use it again under the same circumstances, i.e. ‘being at my own expense” as opposed to an injury caused by another.

I say 'No' to Oxycontin, being it is a narcotic drug, and I've had my fill of halluciinations with morphine and codeine, plus have read some awful stories in some of my searches.

Perhaps you will find this strange, but the current pain area, from my groin to my knee, presents different levels of pain, the worst being the groin and that tells me the bone healing status. Other areas are from the 2 invasive surgeries when muscle and nerves were severed and sewn, because of inserting (then removing) the pins, bolts and rod(soft tissue damage and swelling .. still.. indicate some of those areas.) These latter pains are there and they hurt, but are bearable for the fact that I want to know where they are. Some disappear and move to another area, and I have been on constant watch for pain immediately before and after therapy on my leg, and journal it. (The most I take is Tylenol extra strength, and that is mainly for all the surrounding aches.)  i.e. yesterday, the groin pain moved about 3 inches downward, and is right where the rod would have been shoved through the centre of the femur.

In some cases, I swaddle my whole thigh and that keeps the pain under control, but still there, so I can tell where it is.  My therapist can explain most of these pains to me. I therefore do not really want to mask them, but monitor them, for the record. (As well this ordeal has resurrected a neurological pain in my right knee, from 40 years ago.)  I want my lawyer to have a true insight into what is happening, as my claim is for “loss, pain and suffering”. He knows I feel no pain when I am quietly sitting, but that there is always pain the second I move, and when lying down, except for one position the therapist doesn’t want my leg to be in.  I need to know which activities cause more pain, i.e. putting chair into car, bouncing along over the cracks in the sidewalks, because I cannot use my car, redistributing my weight (landing on my groin) while propelling the ‘chair up the ramp at the Library, swiveling my hips to hang grocery bags on my back handles (which brought back my helper for shopping.)  Even if someone else hangs the bags, there is always a time I am on my own to remove them, at home, same swiveling pain.

The original excruciating pain required morphine and codeine, or a shot to the head! They are both unnecessary now. Overkill!

I began, as well, to appreciate the pain, when tending to it overshadowed old emotional pain. But I am sure better than the first day home when it took me 4 hours to get off the bed and back to my ‘chair.

This is just me, doing it my way, as well as refusing to board transfer, when I can pivot transfer and have for 40 years. (I don’t want to carry a 3 foot board with me wherever I go, OR have one for every room in the house and one for the car, so even my mother’s experience, a board user, has taught me some things.)

Talk about stubborn!  Ya think?

Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

I think your wisdom in listening to and tracking your pain is very savvy.
Your bravery is beyond my vocabulary.

Maybe if you need it at some point (AFTER you collect a million dollars at a minimum)
you can take something just for sleep...

I was looking for great writing about pain for you, got sidetracked by the meds stuff.

((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))))))

Words fail. I wish I had the power.

love to you,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Hops,

So happy you understand, and that it isn't being masochistic of me.

My lawyer is being very through in keeping my records, from my keeping my journal and he will earn every cent of his percentage! So keeping him out of the picture for now (and I was going to insert in my previous that when I have plateaued)(AFTER, as you said)and there is pain, as in cold weather, or if constant, I then will consider the medications required.

Meanwhile, since my claim is for loss, pain and suffering, I might as well "pain and suffer" to the best of my ability! (meant to be facetious.)

When I can fold my legs, resembling the yoga style, and sit with my head under the bathtub faucet to wash my hair, without pain and re-injury, I will have plateaued. If I cannot, then I have 'lost' my ability to do as before.

How's that for a goal in life?

Love
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

So Dr. Sam called the occupational therapist on my case, against me, and told her that that first visit ought to be covered, by the defendant's Insurance and she is coming to see me on Monday. Hmm?

I told him I wouldn't be back, on any regular basis, depending upon this outcome plus I learned that I did not/do not have PTSD.