my daughter's wedding

[dinnyc]

Hi Everyone!

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice a while back.  My question was whether to invite my parents to my daughter's wedding. I felt a HUGE responsibility to try one more time to reconcile with them so that they could come.  I hadn't talked to them since Feb. and I wanted to give them one more chance so that I wouldn't have any regrets.

We invited them over after I called my mother and she said my father would do "whatever it takes".  They came and it was the disaster I knew it would be.  He only agreed to come to convince us that HE is right and we are wrong.  He is a pathological liar and he believes his lies.  My mother has been so emotionally abused for 50 years, that she would believe him if he told her the moon was made of cream cheese!

For myself, it was the best thing I could have done.  I was able to face them without fear, without emotion really, except disgust and revulsion.  It was absolutely the closure that I've been praying for.  After they left, I was so repulsed by my father that I actually sprayed Febreeze everywhere he was and then sprinkled holy water everywhere!!!

My daughter's wedding was lovely.  We went up to Mackinaw Island where cars are not allowed.  Only horses and bikes. The ceremony was held in a 300 year old church with incredible stained glass windows.  There was only 50 of us and everyone who came loves us and cares for us.

I've learned to face my fears, i.e. cancer and my father, and I can tell you that it feels great. I've learned that when I didn't have to spend all my energy keeping my parents happy, I had time and energy to give love to my friends and family who are deserving.  I've learned that if you want love, give love, if you want good friends, be a good friend.  In other words I've learned to be a giver, something my parents did not teach me. I am truly blessed.  

Thanks again,

Dinny

[Ellie]

I'm very happy for you Dinny! Facing your fears and Ndad must have been quite emotional. Add to that planning your daughter's wedding! You've taken a very big step, and I can tell you it will only get better for you now. I faced my Nparents this summer and revealed to them that I no longer fear them and their empty threats. It was such an emotional burden to finally get rid of!

You can relax now, and continue to take care of you!

Way to GO!!!!!  

[OnlyMe]

What an inspiration! and congratulations on the success of the wedding day - what a beautiful location, and what healing memories!
Thank you for sharing this with us.  

Your words are bringing me strength in the long road that is wrapped around my nM.  I, too, have battled cancer, and have survived, and it angers me to waste so much energy keeping the peace with my nM.  I'll be reading your message over and over again for a while, gaining strength each time.  Thank you, Dinny!

[Lizbeth as Guest]

Dinny, after my husband's N mother left from spending the only week she ever did in my house, I did the same thing, I sprayed everything I could with lysol (no febreeze then).  I felt as if my house had been defiled by her presence.

Congratulations to you, and of course, to your daughter.  My husband and I want to take a vacation at the Grand Hotel at Mackinaw, I was tickled when I saw that your daughter's wedding took place on the Island, it is a dream I have to go there.  

You are someone to be proud of and look up to, getting the N monkey off your back, and facing cancer too.  

Lizbeth

[bunny]

Dinny,

I'm glad your daughter's wedding was a beautiful event to remember. Thanks for letting us know about it.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, Dinny!

I am in AWE of your courage!  And what a smart thing to do to audition the Ns for reconciliation before the big event.  We can all thank them for flunking and removing all doubt about what to do.

I'm so glad it worked out for you.  I hope there are many more happy family gatherings with your LOVED ones to come.  Congratulations!

Seeker

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement.  If I am an inspiration, it's only from reading your stories and knowing that I'm not alone!  This is a wonderful place to come for therapy.  Who knows better than us?

Ellie-thanks for the encouragement.  I know you're right.  Ive felt better in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 2 years.   Best of luck to you!

Only me-hang in there.  You need a new name.  How about "Wow, it's me!"  You're much much more than Only.  If you confront your nM, you probably would sever the relationship.  That is a very painful experience, but if you get to the point of it being YOU or HER, please choose yourself.  I know you're angry and rightly so.  In order for me to heal, I had to rise above my emotions.  They kept me stuck.  Pray for your nM, it's good for you.

Lizbeth-You will love Mackinaw Island!  I've only had lunch at the Grand Hotel, but it's beautiful.  The horses, the ferry, the Mackinaw Bridge, the Victorian homes and of course THE FUDGE!!!  I hope your dream comes true!

Bunny-Thank you.  You've been such the voice of reason for me.  You seen so calm and reasonable.  That has helped me to rise above my emotions, which is what truly helped give me closure.  I learned to look from the outside in, if you know what I mean.  I don't take my father's behavior so personally any more, because I know he'd be the same way to anyone.  Including my mother, who also knows it could be her.  She would sacrifice me for herself and when I understood that, I was able to grieve and move on.  Anyway, I have a lot of respect for your wisdom. Thanks again.

Seeker-Thanks for the kudos.  We are all like Dorothy.  We have what we need.  I found that I had it all a long.

Love and prayers to you all.

Dinny

[Lizbeth]

Thanks Dinny, for the info about Mackinaw, I hope to make ALL my dreams come true.  I spent far too many years having them smashed by people in my life, now it's my turn to have them actually happen.  Yours too!!

You keep up the good work, it's worth the fight to reclaim your soul!

Lizbeth