To Nolongeraslave

[Hopalong]

Hi Nolonger,

I think your becoming a therapist is like a person from a terrible urban area becoming a community organizer. Bravo to you. You are so clearly watchful and aware, I would imagine you double the usual efforts to not project.

I am glad you will not slide back into the traNce your mother keeps cueing you in.

You are not responsible in any trace of a way for what he did to you or taught you to do or persuaded or forced or seduced you into participating in. Whatever responses you had that were "positive" were biologically and emotionally normal in reactions to that kind of manipulation of vulnerability and nothing, absolutely nothing about it, means you're tainted by his evil.

You're not. He was not entitled to do what he did. It was a horrible betrayal of your innocence and your right to physical integrity and emotional safety, which your mother of course has compounded.

I admire your strength and will look forward to hearing more from you.

Hops

[nolongeraslave]

Thanks for the warm welcome and kind words Hopalong!  I appreciate your first sentence, b/c I have worried about people judging me for going into this field!  It's so sad though to imagine how many kids may be in my shoes and nobody is giving them the help they need.

I know I'm not responsible for my parents, but I sometimes (like most abuse survivors ) have that nagging voice to desperately picturing them as "not so bad" parents....like a little girl that just wants the parents that she never had!   Luckily, that wishful voice is quieting down and I'm seeing my parents for what they truly are.

My step-dad acts very sweet now, and I once said to my therapist "Right now, my step-dad's better than my mom, b/c my step-dad at least keeps his distance. My mom is still intrusive and abusive to this day." Sounds screwed up, but it was my way of adapting to my situation. 

Anyhow, looking forward to reading everybody else's posts!

[HeartofPilgrimage]

NLAS,

I was reading from your story's posting ...

Since I went along with my step-dad, my mom and ex use this against me and say "You should have stopped it." If I tell them, "The law says 13 year olds aren't capable of giving consent," they say "Who cares about your law and psychology bullshit.... You should have known better."

... and I'm thinking, if anybody should have known better it was your mother. And your mother is still with this creep?

About you going into the mental health field ... if only totally healthy people became counsellors or psychologists, there wouldn't be any of them. That's kind of like saying you can't have any health problems and be a physician. Which is a joke ... physicians and medical students often seem to be challenging death with their unhealthy lifestyles!

[nolongeraslave]

"Her royal highness" will never take blame.  She's screwed up, but whatever.

  Even though there's no proof (my NM will never admit this), I feel my NM secretly knew what was going on. She just chooses to play innocent and blames me for not directly telling her.


I now understand why I used to act so ANGRY at my mom at 13 years old. Maybe the 13 year old in me was angry at her for not protecting me.   My NM says, "But, we would be on welfare without your step-dad! We would be living in a crappy apt.!"

SO WHAT? I WOULD RATHER BE ON WELFARE AND CRAMMED IN A ONE-BEDROOM APT. THAN GET MOLESTED AND TORTURED BY RICH KIDS AT MY SCHOOL (my mom ignored me being bullied at school).   Being bullied at school , abused at home, and not having anyone to turn to was seriously one of the worst times in my life.  

At this point, I do feel the 12-13 year old in me is crying for help.   I was even thinking about becoming a prostitute at 13, b/c I wanted to run away from the hell and be able to make fast money..  Can you believe it? Thinking about prostitution at 13.........and fantasizing about how it would be much better than being abused at home/school.
 

When I look back at how I thought at 13..I can't believe my family and the school faculty swept everything under the rug.