Re-orienting to Adult powers

[Sealynx]

Season's post about being a target got me to thinking about the kind of extended family culture that grows up around N's. It can lead to a host of dented and/or demolished relationships and attitudes. It can also lead to the assumption that certain people can't change or "don't care".

Many adults realize that their only hope of maintaining peace with an N in-law is to hold their tongue and "stay out of things". That doesn't mean they don't care. Not everyone feels like being a superhero and defending a child against a raging N. Many realize that this would do more harm than good. As long as the N controls the child and can make them pay the price for a relatives attempted intervention.

I know that as an adult I have had people slowly broach the subject of my mother's issues with me. Often, they just want me to know they weren't the distant person they had little choice but to be.

I would think that many relationships have to be renegotiated by the adult child and that includes relationships between siblings and relatives of a similar age that were allowed to become abusive because of the lack of competent adult supervision. If the relationships still revolves around the power controlled by a golden child, resolution may be difficult to impossible, but some people like the abusive cousin in Seasons post need to be read an adult bill of rights, while others may just need to have a few perceptions about us corrected. Are their relatives, neighbors or family friends that you may wish to have a different relationship with now that you are grown and not playing by her rules?

Any thoughts???

[Ales2]

Hi Sealnyx - Yes, I agree with you that adult family relationships have to be renogotiated.

For example, several years ago, my Cousin threw a lavish Bday party for her Mother, my Aunt. It included relatives from Europe (AUnties' brother and sister, my Uncle and Aunt) and was a secret. They were planning to come out to the US, have a weekend long party, then travel the Southwest.  I told her I wanted to be included in the Southwest Tour. I called and followed up over several months and was told the tour was not happening. Imagine my surprise when I went to the Bday dinner and discovered I was the only one not going on the tour. Evidently, my relatives thought I did not want to go and spend time with them. I was PISSED, not only was I not included, she misrepresented me to them.

That was 7 years ago - at the time I vowed never to talk/see her again, partly because I had no way of resolving the conflict and requesting an apology was not acceptable to my NM.  What a missed opportunity that was!  So, I agree, (this was in the days pre-N knowldge pre-recovery,) now I would do it much differently and tell NM support me or else..... so to speak... 

Also, a weird phenomenon I noticed recently after my Dad passed away. His friends have always been nice to me, respectful and seem to have valued my accomplishments. My NMothers friends treat me badly, make insulting and demeaning comments and seem to think I am generally a failure.  ( I was going to write the failure is NOT TRUE, but actually its not about the facts, its about the feelings...)
Hmm... it took me a while to figure out that my NM spoke about me with disrespect, while my Father, who I loved alot, spoke very highly of me to his friends. And, thats whats come back to me.  Not enough, I am afraid...NM's influence has been crippling at times!

This is a great topic - its healing to know that we can right previous wrongs as a grown-up.  Thanks!

[Sealynx]

Did your N mom go with them? Was it her or the cousin who left your out? Did she pressure your cousin to ignore you and then tell you not to complain? Perhaps your mother had been bad mouthing you to the relatives via phone or letters and didn't want them spending too much time around the truth. By the time N's get through lying and then defending the lies they tell, it is hard to tell who the real bad guys are. They can spin an awful web in order to validate their self perceptions. That is a good example of how entire families are ruined by them.

I'll. bet that many of your dad's friends know what he and possibly you endured from your mother. It might be nice to visit them or even take one to lunch on your dad's birthday. Tell him that your dad always spoke highly of him and you wanted to remember your him today by doing something nice for someone he valued as a friend.  There is nothing better than being in the company of someone who thinks highly of you and can remind you of the things your dad once said.

[Nonameanymore]

Yes, but how????
I have been away from country of origin for 10 years. NM found the opportunity to demolish most of my relationships the usual way, you know, defaming etc. I have no way of knowing how many people the list includes but she has dag up friends from school, old boyfriends etc. When she wanted to get in touch with me (I am NC since 95), she would call an old friend, tell her stories, then give him my number to ring (out of the blue, receiving calls abroad, which I of course didn't pick up - what could I say, since 'everything you say may and will be used against you'?).
Now that I am back, I do not know how to deal with these people who think of me in a certain way. BUT I have written a memoir and hopefully once published, I will not have to do more explaining... fingers crossed.
In the meantime I am cut away from everybody...
P

[Sealynx]

Hi Persephone,
I think it might help to look at things a different way for a moment and give yourself some power.

The first thing I would do is drop assumptions about what others believe as opposed to what they might have been forced to listen to or say to her face. We carry the effects of our mother's behavior for life. To other people it may have been just a weird phone call.

 If I got such a call about someone and it went against everything I knew about the person, I would probably wonder if the woman had lost her mind. It would also become a joke among friends after a while. "Oh, did you get the phone rant from Mrs. So and So?"

Most people are looking to have a nice day. They don't dwell on the lives of others because they have their own. A rant from the mother of a friend will fade into the background noise of life as soon as it loses whatever momentary appeal it has. We just aren't that important in the day to day lives of most people.

People also don't want to be forced to choose a side in an argument, especially one they can never fully understand. If they felt pressured by her to call you, they won't want to be placed in that position again. So me that is the biggest hurdle you need to overcome. Living and looking well is the best revenge.

This is what I would do. First, if you run into a friend on the street, act as if it never happened and greet them warmly. Don't revive the message they may have gotten or assume the affect it had on them. Be fully and completely you and happy about it. Don't appear guilty, you aren't.

They need to feel that old allegiance to you. If you want to reach out to someone, pick a person who was a close, open minded, friend, preferably someone who seemed very much in charge of his or her own happiness. Tell them you are back in town and you would like to reconnect with some folks. Be upbeat and leave your mother completely out of it. Suggest going out for coffee or lunch and keep the conversation light.

If they mention your mother, have a short, well rehearsed statement prepared that lets them know she has a mental disorder that forced you into estrangement in 1995 and you have remained so. If they press, tell them their were many painful things about your home life that you need to forget in order to be who you are today and you would rather not talk about it. Tell them to look up NPD on the web if they want to know more.

Turn the conversation back to the moment and what is going on in their lives. Most people like to talk about themselves. Ask what is fun to do in town. If the person tries to revert back to questions about your mother or says anything that suggests they believe something derogatory about you, tell them you are sorry if they were the target of one of her irrational rages. Let them know it is part of the disorder. Encourage them to read more on the net. Turn the conversation back.

Whatever you do, don't defend your actions, just redirect them to the website and be open to the possibility that this person is no longer someone you wish to know.  You haven't seen these people in years, it may be that mother or no mother you have both changed and this individual is no longer someone YOU wish to know. Decide if you wish to see them again and don't fault yourself for any discomfort in being around them. Maybe this relationship has just run its course.

If things go well....This person will probably make it easier to reacquaint with the others who run in the same social circle. She or he can save you from enduring the same questions.
Good luck.
S