NM using her death as a weapon

[JustKathy]

I went NC with my N mother about six years ago, and she's been trying to push my buttons in the worst way ever since. I found out about three months ago that she has terminal cancer.  When I was told of her prognosis, hubby and I decided not to visit her, as we knew she would take advantage by guilting me into dust. It's a decision that hasn't been easy to live with, but I'd rather live with that than live with the cruelty that she'll dump on me if I visit.

So . . . once she realized that she wasn't going to be able to manipulate me into a visit, she started using her death as a weapon, pulling out every tactic in the book to guilt me. She started by using my co-dependent sister as a tool, but I didn’t give her the response she was hoping for. She then tried using my co-dependent father as a tool, which went even worse. He fessed up that I had been removed from the will at NM's insistence, and that he "had no say in it." My husband gave him heck over it and asked him how he could do that to his own child, and my father went into his deer-in-the-headlights babbling mode and hasn't called back since.

She's now run out of messengers, so she's taking matters into her own hands. I can't say that I didn't see this coming, as it's so typical of her, but yesterday I got a letter from her. It contained one giant guilt trip, plus a check for $1000. Like all of her letters, it's type written and unsigned. Very impersonal. Every letter that she's ever sent me has been done this way.

It reads:

Kathy,
I am cleaning out my bank account as I have little time left to live. I am sending you, brother, and sister each a check for $1000. Do with it whatever you want. I have missed you and (hubby) over the past few years but one day you will learn the truth that I was never the evil mother that you made me out to be. Nobody could have loved or been more proud of their child more than I was of you. I wish you great happiness and a very long life, which I will not have.

My T is going to a have a field day analyzing this one. Hubby found the line about "the evil mother I made her out to be" quite interesting, since I have NEVER said anything bad about her to anyone, outside of my therapist's office and this board. I've never confided her abuse to anyone else in the family. Immediate family are all co-dependent and can't be trusted. And distant relatives observed M's behavior, but never heard a bad word from me. I didn't feel it was appropriate, and let them draw their own conclusions.

Proud of me? Yeah, sure. She's so proud that she's going to go to her grave refusing to acknowledge my graduate degree or any of my career accomplishments. Loved me so much that she blew off my high school graduation. Came to my first wedding and stuck her tongue out in all of the pictures. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

One day I will learn the truth? From who? The Ghost of Christmas Past? What truth is she even talking about?

Do these people actually believe their own lies, or are they masters of knowing exactly what to say to work their manipulations?

And yet, despite all of this, I still can't stop feeling sorry for her, because she's dying. How do they do this to us? They abuse us, emotionally damage us, destroy our lives . . . and still it hurts us see THEM suffer. I feel like I've been brainwashed into feeling eternally guilty. It will never go away.

What I find so terribly sad about this, is that she's dying, and instead of spending her final months doing something positive, she's spending her precious time and energy trying to inflict as much pain as possible on me. My T said that this is common behavior for a narcissist with a terminal prognosis. They often dismiss the prognosis, believing that they can simply manipulate death the way that they've manipulated everything else in life.

I'm not going to cash the check. As much as I need the money, it's dirty money. I don't want it. Again, so typical. Add to the guilt by sending me money.

Sorry this is so long. My emotions are all over the map. I don't know how much time she has left, but when she doesn't get a response from this, there will be more to follow. When I got this letter, I blurted out to my husband that I wished she would just die, so this could end, and then I hated myself for wishing death on anyone, even someone who abused me.

Kathy

[Ami]

Dear (((Kathy)))
 I could laugh and cry : the tongue in the pictures, that is a classic.
 I gasped cuz my M has written almost the same letter to me.
 Also, she has said "evil" in the same way.
 The N really does have precdictable traits even though it is hard to see  cuz you think YOUR N is the worst.
  I would like to say things like,"It is not your fault, it is ALL her" but I know it takes so long to get this in the heart and sometimes the words make it worse. I understand the pain ,Kathy.                           xxoo  Ami

[Hopalong]

Oy, Kathy.
"Which I will not have" is the killer line. As if you didn't realize this.

How about taking the check and making an immediate gift to a wonderful charity -- say something that provides education and support to young women, or a trauma association, or a Prevent Child Abuse organization, or something like that, or for young girls in Afghanistan (I recommend Three Cups of Tea) -- and writing your mother a calm, gentle thank you that IGNORES her self-pitying provocations and simply says thank you, and talks about the lovely charity and how meaningful it will be to them to receive this generous gift in her name.

You can simply say at the end, "I wish you peace."
??

I believe you WILL stop feeling guilty one day.

love,
Hops

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))

Your mother sounds so much like mine... It sounds like your mother is adoring the role of the Queen Waiting to Die. My NM has been using my father's illness lately to scare me and push buttons.

My NM also convinced everyone around her that I "thought she was mean." They actually use their feelings towards us and warp them into their perceived feelings towards them... So convoluted.

Yes, it is still difficult to watch a person die. You would be unfeeling if you could completely shut that off. Just make sure you give yourself a break and know that she is playing her ultimate role. Also remember that no matter how awful she has been, you will have some grief at her passing. It is so good that you have a therapist to guide you.

Lots of love and strength as you go through this.

Beth

[JustKathy]

Thanks so much, everyone, for taking the time to read such a long post. It really helps to know that others have experienced some of the same things.

It really seems that my mother is oblivious to the fact that she is dying. She's acting like someone has given her a gift. She has a new weapon to use against me. She's getting attention. It's all about HER now.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder what it would be like to know that you are terminally ill, and all the things that would go through your head, and then I wonder what is going through HER head. I wonder if she's ever scared, or ever thinks about the things she'll miss, or if her mind is only filled with thoughts of how she can get maximum impact out of it. Sadly, I think it's the latter. I swear, she's actually enjoying this moment in the spotlight.

I think my therapist may be right when she says that Ns look at death differently. They've always been able to lie and manipulate their way out of everything, so they can cheat death too. It's probably not until the very end, when there is physical pain, that they actually "get it."

Yeah, Hops, that last line was definitely the big guilt-trip punch in the gut. Sometimes I think there must be a Narcissist's Handbook that they use. They all know exactly what to say, and they all latch onto the same keywords. It's pretty scary, really.

[lighter]

Kathy:

First off..... I want to say I'm sorry you haven't come to the place where you can mark her letters TO BE RETURNED and pop them right back in the mail.

It would have been so nice to see you turned away from the pain, that an envelope no longer evoked such strong emotion.... or desire to read it, for that matter.

I understand facing the pain, unfortunately, and agree with Hops.

Cash the check and do something great with it.  Three Cups of Tea or stock the shelves at a local food bank or sponsor 4 families' Christmas for little ones who would otherwise go without.

Something clean and good and uplifting for your soul, ya know?

About N's believing their rants, or not.....

I don't think that's the important part.

It's making you feel sympathy for them after they commit egregious bad acts against you. 

Thaaaaaat's the important part.

It doesn't take much to nudge kind decent human beings into feeling guilt (esp over protecting themselves.)

Esp when they're cutting off a Mama or Daddy, to do it: /

You're worthy.

You've always been worthy.

What does your husband suggest you do with the money?

Seems to me Kalebsmommy could use a boost in the legal funds department, if you're so inclined to help another soul, and her child, struggling under N siege.

Mo2

[JustKathy]

Unfortunately, my curiosity always gets the best of me. My therapist suggested letting hubby pre-screen the letters, or just leaving them unopened. T advised against returning them, because that gives her what she wants. If I returned her letters, she'd use them in her smear campaign, showing them to other relatives, saying that she just wants to tell me how much she loves me, and I'm so mean that I sent her letters back, bla bla bla. My T thinks it's best to ignore, since she's hoping for a response.

We're going to be moving back to California in about four weeks, and have decided not to let my father know. I don't know if M will still be alive at that point, but they won't know where we are, and won’t have a phone number. Just pull the plug and disappear. I think it will do me some good, to be distracted by the move, and start fresh in new surroundings.

My husband suggested just blowing the money on something frivolous. Buy a designer handbag, lottery tickets, Botox, whatever.

BUT . . . I think I'll give it to a favorite charity. Since I've been out of work, I've had to cut back on my charitable giving, and would love to send $1000 to a favorite cause. That said, I'm going to hold off a while on cashing the check. I know she's checking her bank account every day, waiting for the check to clear. I'd rather let her sit there wondering why it hasn't been cashed. Let her think that money doesn’t matter to me, and that I can't be bought. After a week or so goes by, she'll have my sister send an email asking if I got the check.

Hubby and I are certain that she has already composed a lengthy letter that will be sent after she dies. She's probably written it, and told my father that the letter tells me how much she loves me, and to mail it after she's gone. Power from beyond the grave. We just feel it coming. THAT letter will not be opened. Opened eventually, but not until I've been able to move on from all of this.

I'm a writer in UCLA's writer's program, and at some point would like to take their memoir writing class. I've been thinking of documenting my experiences, including all of her letters, and self-publishing. Not for money, but maybe to help others realize that they are not alone. This isn't something that I would have considered if she were living, but once she's gone, I feel like I should share my experiences. I'm working on a novel right now, and may not have time, but it's something I'd like to do. I've kept these letters over the years because I think they can help others.

[sKePTiKal]

We're going to be moving back to California in about four weeks, and have decided not to let my father know. I don't know if M will still be alive at that point, but they won't know where we are, and won’t have a phone number. Just pull the plug and disappear. I think it will do me some good, to be distracted by the move, and start fresh in new surroundings.

This statement leads me to believe that you'll be just fine, Kathy. You are choosing to do what's best for you, even under the circumstances. This is a hard thing for those us who have NMs and dysfunctional FOOs. You will still feel all the feelings... but you'll be OK. I think you've finally "got it". You'll notice the drama... it'll be outrageous... but you are beyond being harmed by it.

There will still be a form of mourning, sure. And when you have to interact with FOO people... just remember: you feel what you feel... and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel or mourn.

You'll be just fine.

((((((((((Kathy))))))))))))))

[KatG]

Save a spot in line for me when you publish!  I have immense trouble expressing myself.  So much of what you write rings true and/or echoes with me.  Thank you for this post.

[kaylebsmommy702]

(((Kathy))),

First off- ((MO2)) thank you for thinking of me and Kayleb, Yes we do need the help, and yes I would LOVE to write the letter from the "Charitable Organization" she donated to, but I think that Kathy is so right... and so is Hops... let her sweat... let her wonder... then I would donate it to a real charity of your choice! I will survive.. (one way or another)... but there are people who NEED that money more than I... but again thanks MO2!

Kathy,
Although I have never experienced the death of an N,  , I have witnessed the death of my father from cancer last year. And before they pass, Its like there is a couple of days maybe even a week of genuine love from that person. No matter how miserable they are or were in there lives, or how miserable they made everyone else around them.... I wonder if it is the same with an N? I wonder if when it really (emphasis on really) is her time, if she will try to make amends? Not that it would change anything, but I'm kinda curious because my grandmother is an N. She even went to the extent of testifying aginst me in court for the N father of my son. And no I dont wish death on anyone either but I always forgive myself for saying it when Im mad... u should too! And u are probably absolutely right about the next letter... Its probably already written and stamped with extra postage just in case the price of stamps happens to go up again! It probably is a good idea to just have the hubby put it away... I wish u strength! (((Kathy))

kaylebsmum

[KatG]

Ok, My last conversation with my 1st H (N).  He made me repeat things back to him.  He made sure of getting across some messages to me that I didn't understand then, but did after the funeral ("no matter what happens, know that I love you" - little did I know!).  Although it took me many years of coming to terms with everything, I am grateful for that last communication. 
But he was only 29.  I think they get worse as they get older. 
I don't want you to take away that I'm saying that you should reach out to her.  This was a husband, not a mother.  I don't know what will happen when it's my Nmom's time.

I've read in books and also heard about N's that go to their graves being nasty.  To their last breath leading others to falsehood, ie wills, etc.

Don't beat yourself up for your mom being who she is.  You didn't cause it, and you can't fix it.
You just have to do what you think is best for you.  And if you think afterwards what happened was a mistake or wrong - know that you simply did the best you could with what you have/had.    Please try to not beat yourself up (btdt).
All my sympathies, KatG

[cantors.counter]

Kathy, you have my condolences on having to go through this whole thing. It's difficult enough having an N parent, but then when they die there are so many conflicting emotions.

My N father died in 2002...in all truth, once he died I felt incredible relief. To tell you how naive I was, I actually kept expecting him to have one of those deathbed changes of heart.

Your pull the plug and disappear strategy sounds great. Moving to a new life completely out of contact with an N parent -- it doesn't get much better than that.

[Overcomer]

Personally I would cash the check and use the money for what I needed.  I might even send a Get Well Soon card.  Just sign it Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

No wallowing in her illness.  No succumbing to her manipulations.  When I first got a handle on my mom's manipulations I would answer her jabs kwith things that threw her for a loop.  Like she said to me, "You talk to Sherrie but talk to me about things.  I wish you would talk to me."  And I would say "Isn't that nice."  It drove her crazy.  Before I would say things like, "oh, I am sorry mom."  Or, "that is YOUR perception" and then have a big fight ending in tears.

Now after seven years we don't even get into it.  If we do, I just sigh and shut up. 

If you need the money cash it.  That's my opinion.  She will be dead soon anyway so what does it matter?

[Ami]

Personally I would cash the check and use the money for what I needed.  I might even send a Get Well Soon card.  Just sign it Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

No wallowing in her illness.  No succumbing to her manipulations.  When I first got a handle on my mom's manipulations I would answer her jabs kwith things that threw her for a loop.  Like she said to me, "You talk to Sherrie but talk to me about things.  I wish you would talk to me."  And I would say "Isn't that nice."  It drove her crazy.  Before I would say things like, "oh, I am sorry mom."  Or, "that is YOUR perception" and then have a big fight ending in tears.

Now after seven years we don't even get into it.  If we do, I just sigh and shut up. 

If you need the money cash it.  That's my opinion.  She will be dead soon anyway so what does it matter?

I totally agree with Kelly but I felt too selfish to say it. If she paid you millions in reparations, Kathy, it would not equal what she stole from you.                                                                                      Ami

[JustKathy]

My N father died in 2002...in all truth, once he died I felt incredible relief. To tell you how naive I was, I actually kept expecting him to have one of those deathbed changes of heart.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same thing . . . children of Ns expecting the dying parent to realize in their final hours that they were wrong, but it never happens. My T has also told me that her other patients who lost N parents felt incredible relief afterwards. Almost like finally being set free.

I also wonder about the same thing that kaylebsmommy talked about, those final hours. Do Ns see the world, and their lives, in a different light as they near the end, or do they die as evil as they lived? My therapist feels that Ns honestly believe that they never did anything wrong, and that all the abuse they inflicted on their children was "deserved." You were bad, so you were punished. A normal parent punishes a child by taking away their video games for a few days. An N punishes their child by refusing to attend their wedding. But both see it the same way . . . you were bad, and you were punished.

Something occurred to me this morning. My M wrote and mailed that letter the day that Patrick Swayze died. I wonder if she saw something on television that made her feel that she could tug at my heartstrings, the way the news stories on Swayze did. It may just be coincidence, but M spends her entire day in front of the TV, quotes television shows and movies all the time. She's had months to write this letter but chose that day. I can't help but feel that there's some sort of connection. It all just feels so weird.

Thanks again, everyone, for your words of support. You guys are the BEST.

Kathy