Rejection

[Worn]

My T recently told me I had a limited number of sessions left.  He offered to refer me to someone else if I wanted.  He then stated he wondered if I felt rejected by him like I had felt rejected by nm.  The number of sessions is not up to him and he actually petitioned to get an extension for me and got one till December.  I am very thankful he did because the thought of quitting T with him now was devastating.

I guess what I want to talk about is how rejected I did feel.  Even though I knew this was not his choice and I knew long beforehand that our sessions were limited, I still felt personally rejected by him.  Once again I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't worth the time or effort.  The feeling was overwhelming.  Rationally I know he's not rejecting me, but emotionally I feel the pain of nm all over again.  Still working through this.  Thanks for listening, Sharon

[JustKathy]

Hi Sharon. I actually think it was pretty decent of your T to ask you if you felt rejected. That tells me that he was genuinely concerned. This wasn't his fault, and it sounds like he's worried about you, and did whatever he could to help.

That said, I understand that feeling of rejection. My insurance company has done this to me more than once . . . cut me off and told me that I had used up my required sessions. On one occasion, the therapist I was seeing at the time was completely businesslike about it, and said quite matter-of-factly that I was out of sessions, and, oh well. I really felt that all she cared about was getting the money from my insurance. She wasn't going to care about me if not being paid for it. I felt totally rejected. It was HORRIBLE.

I went through this last year with my current therapist, and she at least offered me the ability to pay cash for the sessions, which a lot of doctors won't do. Her rate wasn't all that high, so I paid cash for a few sessions while ironing it out with my insurance.

When this happens, I also feel very rejected, and very abandoned, and very angry at the insurance company. IMO it's pretty irresponsible to cut someone off from mental health care.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread and make this about me, just want to let you know that I've experienced this myself. I'm sure many of us have. When we've felt rejection all of our lives, there's no way that we can just walk away from something like this and not feel rejected, even if we know the doctor went to the mat for us. Maybe you should take the referral that he offered, and try this new therapist. Since doctors tend to refer people they know, it might help you to talk to the new therapist about what happened. Try not to sit and dwell on it. Talking to another T as soon as possible might really help you.

Hang in there.
Kathy

[Ami]

Dear Sharon
 Since we had so much rejection as children, any rejection is magnified. I think that is "normal" for having an N parent. Certain things are just different for us, fears, pains, sorrows, rejections are much worse.
 I am sorry, Sweetie.                         xxoo   Ami

[Sealynx]

I agree with Ami. I often felt like God didn't even like me when I was young. The relationship failures and issues with being used by friends all made me feel like fate was somehow conspiring against me. Even when the loss was obviously attributible to forces completely outside myself, it was still just one more awful event in a universe that was conspiring against me. At times the hopelessness born of the weight of all those events was unbearable.

Once I learned about my mother's illness, I had to go through many stages before I could stop feeling that the world had let me down.  There was a time when I would have felt as you do. I probably would have reasoned that if I were "good enough" he would make an exception and find a way to keep seeing me. I would probably feel that he would do it for someone he really cared about. I might convince myself that he never really cared and I was stupid to confide in him. I probably would have thought all of those things, not because they were true but because I had yet to regain enough trust in the universe to feel that it was supporting me and that this loss was about bringing new experiences into my life that were needed. Try to think about it that way if you can.

[Hopalong]

Hi Worn,
As grateful as I am for therapy, there have been times when I'm hurt by the buiness side of it.

I think some of that is frustration, even envy...I am educated and smart but made stupid choices. So I'm struggling hard, and I park behind my T's BMW each week and agonize over the co-pay.

That's not his fault. And he's great.

But I've had those feelings at times.

I don't mind giving money for therapy at ALL...just when I'm so broke. It is a hard thing.

As to a T ending sessions or insurance cutting me off...it's been a while, but I remember I felt ashamed that I was upset.

I didn't think it was personal but it did make me feel sad. Like an orphan, looking for food...

Hops

[Worn]

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies.  I have limited access to a computer at this time so haven't been able to reply.
My T has set it up so we meet twice a month till December.  I'm just very thankful for that. 
Dr. McBride's book talks about 'the collapse', where a traumatic event will trigger feelings that tie to childhood traumas.  The event becomes more devastating because of internal sensitivity. 
This makes sense to me watching how I reacted to this event.  McBride ties it to PTSD.  I guess I've been regressing.
I'm trying to make sense of the knee-jerk reactions I have.  I think of it in the sense of deprogramming myself.  Defense strategies that worked as a child but are detrimental as an adult. 
Thanks again, Sharon

[Gabben]

My T recently told me I had a limited number of sessions left.  He offered to refer me to someone else if I wanted.  He then stated he wondered if I felt rejected by him like I had felt rejected by nm.  The number of sessions is not up to him and he actually petitioned to get an extension for me and got one till December.  I am very thankful he did because the thought of quitting T with him now was devastating.

I guess what I want to talk about is how rejected I did feel.  Even though I knew this was not his choice and I knew long beforehand that our sessions were limited, I still felt personally rejected by him.  Once again I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't worth the time or effort.  The feeling was overwhelming.  Rationally I know he's not rejecting me, but emotionally I feel the pain of nm all over again.  Still working through this.  Thanks for listening, Sharon

Rejection hurts, no matter what. It is good that you can SEE clearly that this is not about you, but it does trigger those old tapes of our childhood wishes or needs to be loved and accepted no matter what, to feel safe from ever being denied or neglected.

Your therapist sounds like a good therapist to ask you about  your feelings and to try to be so sensitive.

I've battled the pains of rejection much. I understand the way that rejection in any form can cut us like a knife...the more that I have just shed the tears and allowed myself a death of self through the rejection of life on life's terms the more that I can tolerate or not be affected as much by rejection. Rejection is a part of life, one that I have come to accept as just a huge part of life. The way through it and to overcome is to do exactly as you are doing, acknowledge the hurt and shed the tears or loss and allow yourself in the pain to see the other doors that are always open, no matter what. That old cliche...."when God's shuts one door another opens", I sometimes do not want to hear that but it is so true.

I was let go from my job this last year. At the time I could not see what God had in store for me, I still do not see the big picture but I can see doors that have opened NOW that if I had still been at my job the doors would have never been SO open.

[Lupita]

I fell rejected right now becasue a guy that I like has not called in three days. I feel rejected. I feel inferior. Mother's rejection hurst forever. Once we suffer our N parents, we have to live the rest of our lives picking up the pieces and trying to put them together.

[Worn]

Thank you  Gabben and Lupita. 
One big thing I'm working on is to be more 'awake'.  To be aware of myself and what I am feeling.  To try and understand why I am feeling this way.  And to be gentle and forgiving with myself.  Who knew this would be so alien to me.  I feel less like I'm breaking taboos than when I first started this.  I explained the feeling I got, to my T, when thinking of being nice to myself as feeling like I was going to become a cannibal.  Thankfully the more I do it the less uncomfortable it becomes.  Work, work, work.  But I see progress!  Trying to learn to be a, ugh, cheerleader for myself also.
Uncomfortably optimistic, Sharon

[Gabben]

Thank you  Gabben and Lupita. 
One big thing I'm working on is to be more 'awake'.  To be aware of myself and what I am feeling. 

This is key. If you are like me in that you have spent more time in your life living in your head, the safe place of rationalization, then going "south" as I call it to listen to what your heart is saying, it can be a challenge, but it is a challenge worth everything. I had to learn my feelings from the place of being a young adult; to this day I can still recall reading the book for the first time Healing the Child Within,  coming across a chart that listed on one side positive emotions (joy) and on the other side the opposite corresponding negative emotions (pain). As a child I recalled feeling boredom and fear but no much else, it was if I had experienced too much of the negative emotions throughout my childhood, shutting them down so that I also shut down the positive. I learned that if I shut myself off to my pain then I was denying my joy as well. There is so much joy right in front of us everyday, I never knew that until I began to do as you stated above, to just be more aware.

To try and understand why I am feeling this way.  And to be gentle and forgiving with myself.  Who knew this would be so alien to me.  I feel less like I'm breaking taboos than when I first started this. 

The taboo that you feel you are breaking is the commandment to honor your parents, which as a child when you shut down your emotions, became voiceless in conforming to survive, you were honoring your parents to get what you needed to survive, it was all about survival.

Now that you are trying to be real, to feel, to un-break the rules of honoring your parents, doing someting drastically different than how you were brought up, it stirs up fears as well as the guilt of dishonoring our parents old tapes and messages. The solution is to identify those old tapes to see them for what they were, lies, and to continue re-parenting yourself as you are courageously doing. Bravo!