This weekend, I ventured out of my comfort zone. I attended what can be described as a "spiritual women's conference" with a college roommate and about 20 of other women she knew, but I didn't. I went mostly for her sake since she was struggling with some issues lately and I felt that she needed some quality time to "vent" and get it all out. Her spiritual beliefs are different but complementary to mine...just more extreme. Among the women attending in the group were her mother and mother-in-law. All throughout the conference there were triggers for me. Many mothers and daughters attended together, bonding and comforting each other. Needless to say, my N mother would never in a zillion years have entertained the notion of attending....Because in this kind of setting, it wouldn't have been just about "here".
Testimonies and stories of some of the speakers also spoke to some triggers...about depression (which I've had my entire life), about familiy, relationships, etc.
I did my best to fit in and to enjoy the experience...which I did, up to a point. But in the end, I still felt entirely alone even though I was in an auditoriam of 3,500 women, a handful of whom I knew personally. I came to wonder whether this not fitting in, no doubt a result of being raised in an N family, would ever dissipate or disappear. Is it just because I had never come across someone who took a personal interest in me? Would that have helped me to fit in? How do you really and truly give back to the world, to people, if you always feel an outsider...even while you're doing for others?
What the experience really taught me was what could have been possible? I'm wondering if there will be a diferent path for me ahead ever? Not sure...