Out of My Comfort Zone

[sunblue]

This weekend, I ventured out of my comfort zone.  I attended what can be described as a "spiritual women's conference" with a college roommate and about 20 of other women she knew, but I didn't.  I went mostly for her sake since she was struggling with some issues lately and I felt that she needed some quality time to "vent" and get it all out.  Her spiritual beliefs are different but complementary to mine...just more extreme.  Among the women attending in the group were her mother and mother-in-law.  All throughout the conference there were triggers for me.  Many mothers and daughters attended together, bonding and comforting each other.  Needless to say, my N mother would never in a zillion years have entertained the notion of attending....Because in this kind of setting, it wouldn't have been just about "here". 

Testimonies and stories of some of the speakers also spoke to some triggers...about depression (which I've had my entire life), about familiy, relationships, etc.

I did my best to fit in and to enjoy the experience...which I did, up to a point.  But in the end, I still felt entirely alone even though I was in an auditoriam of 3,500 women, a handful of whom I knew personally.   I came to wonder whether this not fitting in, no doubt a result of being raised in an N family, would ever dissipate or disappear.  Is it just because I had never come across someone who took a personal interest in me?  Would that have helped me to fit in?  How do you really and truly give back to the world, to people, if you always feel an outsider...even while you're doing for others?

What the experience really taught me was what could have been possible?  I'm wondering if there will be a diferent path for me ahead ever?  Not sure...

[Ami]

Dear Sun
 I have been discovering s/thing about groups. If you belong to yourself, you can fit in a group. if not, you feel like an outsider.I think there  are certain "laws" of human nature that you miss out on in an N family.
 There is so much pain that you can't learn things about the world cuz you are in self preservation mode.
  I think  that to change you need to be seen.
  I think a healthy person is seen as a child and then can see themselves.
  I think it can be remedied in adulthood but it takes a special set of circumstances.
   I think if you can find someone to see you--as you are-- a human being with good and bad qualities--then you can see and accept yourself. Then, you will feel that you belong. That is my experience and it is a work in progress not completed by any stretch of the imagination.
     xxxo  Ami

[Sealynx]

Sunblue,
I think Ami makes some good points. Dr. McBride in her book on Daughters of N mothers says that some of us will probably always be loners and prefer that. I can handle being in just about any kind of group. I lecture for a living so I handle strangers well. That doesn't mean that I feel like one of the group or can't wait to get together on weekends with "the gang."

Like most of us I suffered not only from direct neglect of my personhood and feelings by my mother, but also from living in the environment she created. Total strangers often avoided me in order to avoid her. I have no positive group experiences to look back on. The brain literally wires itself by responding to available stimulation. Most people were stimulated in warm loving ways as babies and children.  We were not. Our brains were deprived and some of the information I've read (Like Dr. Bruce Perry's work) suggest that this creates very different needs and responses in people. We don't automatically get the rush of endorphins that many normal folks experience at the sight of a group of people having fun. In fact that same sight might cue the release of stress hormones in us, because it triggers memories of being left out.  While they enter the event on a physical high, we have to fight just to get back to normal. It is not narcissism it is just a lack of "proper conditioned response" to certain aspects of life.

I have met others like me and not all are people with N parents. A friend who was over this weekend was born to a 46 year old mother. He was raised as if he belonged to another generation. Like many of us, he learned to compensate with being out of step with his contemporaries by developing solitary habits. He goes to movies alone and lives in a very spare environment. He is a very nice person and I like him, but I don't think that taking a personal interest in each other changes things. It is more like we are comfortable around each other because neither challenges the other to leave that very private space. To me that is just indulging in my usual aloneness with the help of another person. I am no closer to enjoying groups or feeling elated at the thought of being around people. i am much more likely to engage technical things. I went to Siggraph which is a major Computer Animation conference and spent the entire day happily not talking to a soul as I learned from all the exhibits. I would have been annoyed if I had been forced to compromise with someone that day.

[sunblue]

Hmmmm...yes....both Ami and Seal, you have good points.    Narcissism most certainly has been a major cause of my feelings and behaviors.  I am not afraid of groups...as my job requires me to interact with large groups of people as well.  But I wish in some of these situations I could feel I belong....I wish there was someone who I could identify with and who identified with me.  I wish that when I exhibited interest and care for others, it would sometime be returned.  I wish that at the conclusion of an experience i just had, I could feel good, happy, closer to the people who shared it with me.  But perhaps the hole we all carry around as recipients of N families or relationships, is just too big to fill.  Perhaps unbeknowst to us, this hole is visible to others and they wish to ignore it rather than try to enage with someone who carries it with them.  But I realize that even as I talk the talk and walk the walk with others....I don't feel what they don't feel.  I can feel and acknowledge how they react when I display a gesture of kindness towards them, give them a hug, offer them empathy or listen to them with an open heart and willing ear.....but I cannot feel when, on a rare occasion, they try to reciprocate.  If, for example, they try to give me a hug, I will let them..but it is not comfortable...and I don't feel the sentiment behind it.  It is just a physical gesture.  I know that's not normal.  I also know being raised in a family where there was no affection, physical or otherwise, that it is to be expected.  How ironic.  No one needs deep friendships or connections more than a recipient of Ns...but we are the least likely to get them.

Just a few observations.....thanks for the ear.

[Ami]

My thoughts and prayers are gonna be with you (((Sun)))). I pray you will find people who see the beauty and special qualities in you!
                   xxxooo  Ami

[Sealynx]

You may want to explore a community for those who feel different about relating. I've been a member of Quirkyalone.net for years. They have a discussion board and though many of the members are really young, sometimes there is something inspiring on the board. It is a website for people who may or may not be without a partner but basically share a feeling that traditional relating is not their comfort zone.

http://quirkyalone.net/phpBB2/

[Nonameanymore]

Hi sunblue,

I tried a couple of times when I was in London to attend a young/modern church with a friend. I am Orthodox so we praise quietly whereas my friend's church was happy-clappy with a band (and very money oriented, if I may say so). My friend was really connected to everyone in church since she was doing some service but I always felt like I couldn't talk to anyone there. In fact I found everyone a little self-involved - as in I am there to be seen. I had the exact same feeling you're describing.

Also even after 5 years in CODA, I was always a little jealous (hopefully not the N way!) of the people who weren't afraid to bond within the group. You know at the end of the session when everybody joins for coffee, and worst, when the session ends and small groups are formed and people were talking about how their week have been? I was (almost) never able to do that. It's like nobody would come to talk to me!

I think being able to belong to a group is a rather difficult thing - at least it has been for me. I am not comfortable in large groups of people anyway, I always preferred more intimate settings. But it's interesting you mentioned it and it did trigger some old memories for the above two settings.

P