Anyone experience this kind of sabotage?

[Ales2]

I always knew there was some deep dark secret my NM was hiding (besides her secret bank accounts and fortune). What I am beginning to learn is how she sabotages my relationships and my financial independence because she does not want me to move on with my life - I think she fears that independence will mean I will abandon her.  She's RIGHT of course, but strangely, she does not realize that her actions are getting her exactly what she fears.  Anyone else experience this kind of sabotage from a Narcissistic Mother (btw- my Nm is a widow)?

[Ami]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. My NM always thwarted my having my own identity and hence a sense of self and ability to feel independent BUT she always demeaned me by calling me too dependent when SHE was engineering it all the time. UUURRRRGGGG!
It is  awful, Ales, as I know you know.                  xxxoo   Ami

[Ales2]

Ami - You nailed it on the head. Constantly belittling and demeaning my actual accomplishments and then wondering why I am not succeeding - first they make you feel inferior and when that manifests, they berate you for it!  ARGHHHHHHHHH!

[Sealynx]

I think the operative word here is "change". Say the word "change" in regard to anything they don't currently have control over (which is usually everything in a 10 mile radius) and you get this "deer in the headlights" look.  It doesn't matter if its a new boyfriend, girlfriend, car, house, pet or living room carpet, the snarl slowly spreads across my N's face.  There is no "little change" act vs "big change" act. A new car gets the same snarl and undermining comments as a new pair of jeans.

[binks]

My NM tried hard to sabotage my relationships. In the end I just lied to her all of the time about what was or wasn't happening. She would eventually lose interest in what I was doing anyway.

She tried to sabotage the relationship with the man I married. We met in 6th form (like high school) and went out  for 2 years before moving in together and then marrying a few years later.

Nm was unpleasant and then downright nasty about him and his family in the most sly and insidious ways. She hated seeing me happy. After a few years of being married NM decided that my husband was lovely and treated him like a GC. She would use this inferred status to say awful things about me to him, such as "how do you put up with such a horrible wife?".

Needless to say, my husband has always loathed my mother and was never impressed by her seemingly better treatment of him.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ales,

Yes, my mum used to play us all of against each other, telling one sister another had said something about them when they hadn't and doing things like lending one money but refusing to another or giving out different amounts of money to grandchildren and so on.  She's told horrible lies about me to my entire extended family as well as doctors and social workers (in relation to my son).  She used to flirt with my boyfriends when I took them home and would tell me things about my friends that weren't true.  I was in hospital suffering from depression and received few visitors, which my mum kept going on about because it proved I had no real friends and no-one really cared about me.  I found out three years later that friends had been calling my mum to see how I was and she was telling them I was so ill I wasn't allowed visitors or phone calls at the hospital.  She told all my sisters the same thing, so the only people that came to see me were work colleagues that my mum didn't know.

I think the sabotaging aspect for me has been very damaging, because you see relationships (or jobs or whatever it is) going wrong and assume it's something you did?  I was speaking to my therapist only recently about this, because everything I've ever done in my life has gone wrong at some point and I always thought I had really bad luck.  I now realise I just had a really bad mother.

PS It's not just me she's done this to, she did it to all of my sisters and fed us loads of filth about our real dad which turned out to be untrue as well.  Horrible woman.

[BonesMS]

Hi Ales,

Yes, my mum used to play us all of against each other, telling one sister another had said something about them when they hadn't and doing things like lending one money but refusing to another or giving out different amounts of money to grandchildren and so on.  She's told horrible lies about me to my entire extended family as well as doctors and social workers (in relation to my son).  She used to flirt with my boyfriends when I took them home and would tell me things about my friends that weren't true.  I was in hospital suffering from depression and received few visitors, which my mum kept going on about because it proved I had no real friends and no-one really cared about me.  I found out three years later that friends had been calling my mum to see how I was and she was telling them I was so ill I wasn't allowed visitors or phone calls at the hospital.  She told all my sisters the same thing, so the only people that came to see me were work colleagues that my mum didn't know.

I think the sabotaging aspect for me has been very damaging, because you see relationships (or jobs or whatever it is) going wrong and assume it's something you did?  I was speaking to my therapist only recently about this, because everything I've ever done in my life has gone wrong at some point and I always thought I had really bad luck.  I now realise I just had a really bad mother.

PS It's not just me she's done this to, she did it to all of my sisters and fed us loads of filth about our real dad which turned out to be untrue as well.  Horrible woman.

That NWomb-Donor is a real c@#$!

Bones

[nolongeraslave]

YES! That's why it was such a struggle to move away from NM.  These N's are good at getting what they want, and won't just accept things as how they are.

The "normals" act like it's easy to just pick up and leave. It's not.  My mom did everything she could to sabotage my independence, and I would rather not go into detail right now.



 It took a lot of hard work from me, my therapist and friends, careful planning, and endurance to finally leave her.    Everytime I tried to pick and leave like that (which is what normals suggested), it always backfired. Leaving NM overnight is like...expecting a newborn to walk right away.

[bearwithme]

Bones:  had to laugh out loud at that one! 

I just realized this.  I didn't think my Nmom sabatoged any of my relationships but you know what?  SHE F$*!@# DID!!  But she did it in a weirder way.  She was so bloody awful to me and my brother that our friends didn't want to come over to witness her craziness.  Her treatment of me and my brother was so meaN and so belligerent that my own grandmother couldn't bear to come over as often as she wanted, that goes for all our relatives on my Dad's side of the family as well. 

And all along, me and my brother thought my Dad's side of the family didn't like us.  We thought that people hated us and didn't want to be our friends.  I thought for years that my grandmother (on my Dad's side) loved my cousins more than me.  My Nmother would tell us that my grandmother favored the other kids in the family.  THIS WAS MY NMOTHER'S INSECURITIES---NONE OF IT WAS TRUE!!!!!

So here my brother and I just grew up believing that we had something to do with everyone's "distance."  So many people kept their distance from my Nmom because of her rage and bitter hatred that is scared people away!!!!

People kept their distance and I thought it was me!  OH MY GOD.  My Nmom robbed me of beautiful relationships.

It wasn't me afterall.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Bear,

It's an awful realisation when the penny drops and you realise life could have been so much happier and so much nicer after all.  No-one came to our house either - our friends weren't welcome because my parents were convinced they were coming round to spy on them and feed information about their income to my step-dad's ex wife.  Looking back it seems ludicrous but at the time I thought everyone was out to get us as well.  I've often thought about how nice it would have been if my mum had put as much effort into being nice to people as she did into being horrible to them.

[Butterfly]

There is very little written on this message board that I cannot relate to.  Nearly every topic hits a nerve somehow.  My N mother sabotaged my entire life, and I am only in the last couple of years learning to reclaim it. 

She attempted to ruin both of my marriages.
She attempted to get me fired from several jobs.
She demeaned, criticised to such an extent that I could not walk across the room without worry.
She attempted to ruin my education. 
She would steal my mail, throw away my belongings, destroy my personal possessions . . .
She interfered with all of my relationships, somehow worming her way onto the good side of my friends, boyfriends, mentors, etc. 

I was a very lonely, isolated and withdrawn child.  My heart hurts for myself when I think back on my younger years.  But, even that in of itself is an improvement--the fact that I can feel for me! 

So, now my goal is to break the cycle and generate kindness and love rather than pass on N traits.  Uggh.

Joy

[bearwithme]

I was a very lonely, isolated and withdrawn child.  My heart hurts for myself when I think back on my younger years.  But, even that in of itself is an improvement--the fact that I can feel for me 

Butterfly.  This is beautiful, like your name here.  I feel for me, too.  I'ts very theraputic to do so and I can do it at will.  My T said this was completely normal and promotes healing of our damaged hearts.  We need to be there for ourselves as we were abandoned at an early age.

Keep on "feeling!!!!!"

Bear

[Ami]

(((((Joy, Bear,Twoapenny,NLAS, Binks,Bones, Sea, Ales))))))               xxxoo   Ami

[BonesMS]

(((((Joy, Bear,Twoapenny,NLAS, Binks,Bones, Sea, Ales))))))               xxxoo   Ami

Thanks, ((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones