Advice on how to deal with parents' criticism towards how you look

[nolongeraslave]

What works and what doesn't, in your experience?

I'm working on just not responding to her and giving her the non-verbal signals that it doesn't bother me, but it's tough work.  Nobody wants to constantly hear mean comments about how they look.  These N's can tell when your shoulders slouch or when your face gets that anxious look in their presense.  But, some say that not letting their comments bother you is the best way to go.  They will stop shooting the gun once they run out of ammunition? 



Saying that her comments hurt my feeling don't work. She knows it's my weakness, and she can use it to have control over me.

Throwing insults back in their face doesn't work. It makes them want to hurt you more....

Any other ideas?


P.S. Wow, my mom just called me and now gave me a compliment...Wasn't this the same lady who told me to lose 10 pounds, how I'm not eating healthy, and how I need to look pretty enough to get a guy to marry me? Geez.

[Sealynx]

I am perhaps the biggest critic of my looks and fitness level so my mother can't say anything I haven't already thought of.

I know the drill though. If I lose a few pounds and feel great, she harps on the fact that I don't eat red meat. If I ate red meat it would just be something else I didn't like that she'd bring up. BTW, I have never been even close to anorexic, think  minimum of 10 pounds overweight).

If I gain five pounds she pokes fun at it, encourages me to order dessert when we go out and then criticizes every bite I eat.  She also touches me inappropriately while she makes fun of my stomach or backside.

My best advice is to simple decide before you walk in the door if you are happy with your body. Take a good inventory of anything you'd like to change and then decide what YOU want to do about it or not. Having had that conversation with yourself, you'll hopefully be a little more immune to her nasty comments.

Remember they don't understand feelings, can't follow conversations well and are just looking to focus attention back on what THEY have to say. So they will bait you with whatever it takes to get a fight going. Don't take the bait.

[Hopalong]

Sealynx gave you great advice...

I think of one added thing, it's a bit unconventional, but I used to do this with people who would challengingly ask me, "Do you know Jesus?" I found that the best way to answer, for me, was to tap into the heart of what I feel that categorizing is about and I answer, "Yes, I do and he likes me very much!" (with a happy smile).

With parents, making intrusive remarks, maybe saying out loud,

"I am just really loving being who I am and I love my body too."

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi NLS,

Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I agree with Sealynx.  The thing to work on is feeling so comfortable and accepting of yourself that when you hear a comment from her you automatically think "Gosh she talks rubbish".

With my mum anything I did would be wrong.  Casual clothes and I was scruffy, nice clothes and who the hell did I think I was.  Make up, wrong, no make up wrong.  I was convinced I was a chubby, spotty, ugly teenager.  When I look back at photographs now I was slim and reasonably attractive; I wasn't drop dead gorgeous but I had a nice smile and nice eyes.  But for years I thought I was fat and no-one liked me.

It's hard to get yourself to a point where what she says doesn't matter but keep working on yourself so you can see her comments for the nonsense they are.

[English]

I too am having a problem with how to deal with her criticism about how I look.  I saw her the other day, and she said the shirt I was wearing was a 2X. (It wasn't, although it was a big baggy.)  I told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't comment on my clothes.  She apologized and said OK.  Then as I was leaving, she noticed my new wedding ring and said it was a cigar band.  I left.  She voicemailed me that she didn't mean it as an insult; it was a joke.  Right.  My question:  Would telling her that if she insults me, I would leave right away be effective? I know she needs the NS. 

[gratitude28]

I spent my life dealing with these comments too. They feel so insecure about themselves (while at the same time somehow believing that they are unnaturally attractive). I have finally found my comfort zone and am working toward being healthy and fit - for me. My NM wanted me to dress like a slut so she could point out how nasty I was. If I gained any weight, there were always comments. If I lost weight there were comments. If I put on makeup... You get the point. I really could care the less what she says anymore and I think she knows it. She still tries - all the time- but I pretty much tune out and say, "Uh huh. that's nice." My weight loss has been slow but moderately steady... I am very fit, which is awesome
((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))) all of you.

[Sealynx]

Hi English,
My thoughts on that are that if they could learn from behavioral management of that sort, they wouldn't be N's. I see leaving as a self care strategy, one that is not only good to practice with them but good practice for me in the world.

Much of my recovery has been centered around learning to recognize when I am being attracted to someone who has the same personality as mom does and is incapable of a relationship. Walking away from her behaviors is like a reminder to me of what they are and how quickly a simple conversation can turn to subtle or overt abuse.

[Ami]

I too am having a problem with how to deal with her criticism about how I look.  I saw her the other day, and she said the shirt I was wearing was a 2X. (It wasn't, although it was a big baggy.)  I told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't comment on my clothes.  She apologized and said OK.  Then as I was leaving, she noticed my new wedding ring and said it was a cigar band.  I left.  She voicemailed me that she didn't mean it as an insult; it was a joke.  Right.  My question:  Would telling her that if she insults me, I would leave right away be effective? I know she needs the NS. 

Dear English
 This could have been a snapshot of a moment with my M !                       xxxooo  Ami

[JudyK]

  As most of you, I have been criticized and vilified for my appearance, most of my life. My NM told me I was looking "bloated" in front of my SIL. On Thanksgiving, in my own home. She has taken particular interest, from early on, in my hair, the way I may happen to style it, or color it.  This criticism continued well into my 50's. 
   I tried a variety of things, reasoning with her (Mom, I am an adult, 50 years old, isn't it time you stop criticizing me?" I've tried sarcasm, "Gee, Mom thanks SO much for the compliment!" I have given dagger looks.  Nothing works, she is impenetrable.
   Lately, (I think she may be wanting to buy her way into heaven) she has done nothing but compliment me, it is so fake, it makes my skin crawl. I have decided if she insults me again, I have two options.  Tell her what she says is "inappropriate" or simply tell her to "Shut the f### up!" Right now, the latter is sounding really good to me.

                                                                   Hugs, all ,Judy

[Hopalong]

It reminds me of sexism...

my Nboss compulsively comments on people's bodies, appearance, musculature, strength or lack thereof, gender, gender-related abilities...natter natter natter.

It's as though these mothers can't relate to their daughters as anything other than bodies, physical extensions of themselves.

It's beyond intrusive.

It's...bodyism.

Hops

[Redhead Erin]

Mine is now trying to sabotage my diet by telling me I will waste away to nothing.  Big surprise there.She does this every time I get close to my goal weight.   I finally told her, "Look, this is MY body and *I* am the one who has to walk around in it and be comfortable with it!"

Even if it does no good, it felt good to say it.