Seriously Delayed Information

[Still Ticking]

Hi All!

I've been trying to wait to post until I have a therapist in place but Bones linked a letter that really hit home and whipped up my fury.

The letter was to Dear Abby about whether a mother should tell her pregnant daughter's fiancee that she was NPD.  I married an N thirty years ago.  I was a middle kid raised between sick siblings and I think I grew up thinking being needless was a virtue... so I fell for my N's poor me act hook, line, and sinker.  I was twenty-two years old and had been out on my own supporting myself since I was nineteen.

Life with my N has never been fun but I didn't realize how bad until my kids got a little older and started acting out.  I"ve tried to get out of this relationship in the past, but was encouraged to stay by friends, family, and my first therapist when I made the mistake of going to marriage counseling with him.  We also co-own a business which makes things even stickier.  I don't care how sticky things get, I'm done after Xmas regardless of who supports my actions.

A few years ago, twenty some years into marriage, my NMIL(witch) very casually decided to tell me that my husband's father was diagnosed as a Sociopath when my husband was ten.  At first, while in total shock, I thought she was telling me to explain my husband's behavior.  Within minutes I realized she was telling me this to pin my son as a Sociopath because of his addiction to painkillers.  He wrapped his car around a tree and got a DUI the night of his first day in counseling, and he's been fighting an addiction to pain killers ever since.

Two weeks after she told me she sent the book "The Sociopath Next Door" home with her son for me.   

Despite the fact that I know I have the right to be absolutely enraged that one human being would be cruel enough to play Russian Roulette with someone else's life... especially when there are kids involved...  I need someone to validate my rage.   

The only good thing about what she did is that her name is on the jacket of the book she gave me.  So she inadvertently
gave me something that might help me when we get into court because she bought it long before my son started acting out.

Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent.  I am both terrified and excited at the thought of regaining control  of my life and I'm so happy to have found a place for a little support as I do.

Hugs To All

Still Ticking

[Sealynx]

Good luck in getting on with your life. Sounds like its time to be "free and me" again. Welcome to the board.
S

[Still Ticking]

Thanks, Sealynx.     

[Nonameanymore]

Welcome to the board.
Good luck with your journey on the freedom highway.

P.

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Still Ticking.

I'm not completely clear on your situation (did you mean divorce court?)
but I'm glad you're here for support...you'll find that and wisdom, too.

Looking forward to your posts,

Hopalong

[Ales2]

Welcome to the board and good luck with your newfound freedom.

 I have a similar issue. My Brother just told me about four months ago that he has known for the past 11 years that our Mother is BPD. He learned this in therapy while going through his first divorce. He told me once years ago he thought Nm was "crazy" which I dismissed, because  its like - "yeah, so what".  He could have said "I think Mom is BPD, or I've been in therapy and we think she's BPD" because that would have been USEFUL to me.

I'm very angry at him for having watched me suffer in my relationship with her and never have said that one constructive and coherent sentence that would have pointed me in the right direction to seek adequate help or support.  I wasted a lot of time in my life wondering what my problem is and its caused alot of heartache and pain that could have been avoided.

I know there are circumstances where they don't feel they will be heard, but I will never understand why people cant be more helpful, especially the close family ties that say they love/care about you.  

Anyway - I can relate to that pain - hope it gets better for you.  Alesia

[BonesMS]

Hi All!

I've been trying to wait to post until I have a therapist in place but Bones linked a letter that really hit home and whipped up my fury.

The letter was to Dear Abby about whether a mother should tell her pregnant daughter's fiancee that she was NPD.  I married an N thirty years ago.  I was a middle kid raised between sick siblings and I think I grew up thinking being needless was a virtue... so I fell for my N's poor me act hook, line, and sinker.  I was twenty-two years old and had been out on my own supporting myself since I was nineteen.

Life with my N has never been fun but I didn't realize how bad until my kids got a little older and started acting out.  I"ve tried to get out of this relationship in the past, but was encouraged to stay by friends, family, and my first therapist when I made the mistake of going to marriage counseling with him.  We also co-own a business which makes things even stickier.  I don't care how sticky things get, I'm done after Xmas regardless of who supports my actions.

A few years ago, twenty some years into marriage, my NMIL(witch) very casually decided to tell me that my husband's father was diagnosed as a Sociopath when my husband was ten.  At first, while in total shock, I thought she was telling me to explain my husband's behavior.  Within minutes I realized she was telling me this to pin my son as a Sociopath because of his addiction to painkillers.  He wrapped his car around a tree and got a DUI the night of his first day in counseling, and he's been fighting an addiction to pain killers ever since.

Two weeks after she told me she sent the book "The Sociopath Next Door" home with her son for me.   

Despite the fact that I know I have the right to be absolutely enraged that one human being would be cruel enough to play Russian Roulette with someone else's life... especially when there are kids involved...  I need someone to validate my rage.   

The only good thing about what she did is that her name is on the jacket of the book she gave me.  So she inadvertently
gave me something that might help me when we get into court because she bought it long before my son started acting out.

Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent.  I am both terrified and excited at the thought of regaining control  of my life and I'm so happy to have found a place for a little support as I do.

Hugs To All

Still Ticking

(((((((((((((((((((((((Still Ticking)))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Still Ticking]

Thank you everyone for your warm welcome.

Hopalong -- Yes, I was speaking of divorce court.  My husband's mother is very wealthy and all about appearances.  For the record, I've never taken a dime from her, or let her buy me because I knew there would be strings attached that I wasn't willing to pull.  Though I should be able to document much of what's happened to me (and my kids) over the years, having that book somehow brings me a little comfort.  We live in close proximity to one another, and her (social register) friends have a pretty high opinion of me, so if I start truth telling I won't be easy to discredit.  The only reason I worry about her at all is that she'll pony up what ever it takes to bury me  in court... unless she realizes that I'll fight back with anything and everything I have in my arsenal.

Alesia, I'm so sorry your brother didn't choose to clue you in and share his information.  I thought I came to the board because of my husband,  MIL, and jovial but self involved father.  Since arriving and doing a lot more research on NPD and BPD I can't rule my mother out either.  I'm still trying to break free of the stranglehold she had on me and she died nine years ago.  I was the only one of my siblings to have kids, her family was in Europe, and I now see how she fought me tooth and nail when I tried to establish my own independence.  And I did try many times.  But she would bury me in guilt if I didn't comply.  So many of the wrong choices I've made over the years were made to please her, not myself.  Even on her death bed I was seeking her approval to leave my husband. How sick is that?  I'm glad your brother finally came clean and gave you some clarity as to what you've been dealing with, Alesia.
I guess we'll both have to settle for "better late than never."   Do you have kids?  My siblings are a mess other than my oldest brother who appears to be happy though I'm pretty sure he married a narcissist too.  None of them would want to hear anything I have to say on the subject, they would much prefer keeping their heads buried in the sand.  Over the years I've been met with blank stares and silly platitudes every time I try to broach a discussion about what's been happening to my kids and myself.  They just didn't care.  And I harbor no ill will, because my mother loved them to the point of helplessness.  I now understand why I left my comfortable loving home at nineteen and would have worked four jobs to stay out.  I recalled recently that I made this move when my mom was back in Europe visiting her family.  Which I think is pretty telling in of itself.

The saddest part of my story is that I allowed all of this to taint yet another generation because I didn't trust my instincts.  

Once again, thank you for listening.  My computers starting to go haywire... so I best hit post.

Love To All

Still Ticking          

[Still Ticking]

Thanks for the hug, Bones.  It means a lot to me.   

[BonesMS]

Thanks for the hug, Bones.  It means a lot to me.   

You're very welcome, ((((((((Still Ticking))))))))

Bones