What causes people to become N?

[angrygirl]

I have a Nmom and am petrified of becoming like her.  I wonder how she became that way? Anyone know?

[flower]

I have a Nmom and am petrified of becoming like her.  I wonder how she became that way? Anyone know?

my 2 cents and thoughts off the cuff here with not knowing you...

I don't know the answer to this.... There are theories about this online.
Respect other people, respect  their boundaries, love your fellow human as you love yourself, have a conscience and a person won't be a practicing N, in my opinion. We all are internally selfish to some extent. In my opinion.

[Discounted Girl]

Hello angrygirl ..... if you are worried about being an N, then I would say that just having the worry disqualifies you. I seriously doubt if N's ever question their innerself -- after all, they are perfect, aren't they? I would bet the NQueenmother has never given a thought to gauging any shortcomings she might have. She has been far too busy measuring mine and others' faults. I can remember years ago she told me that people who think they might be "crazy" are not crazy cause crazy people never think that. Well, the same applies to N's, mommie undearest.

They "got that way" (I think) from continuing to live out bad habits established early on in childhood. They never got past the "I am the center of the universe" business. They know they are doing it, but they are so twisted and nasty that they get a kick out of it. It's so sick and dirty, it makes my skin crawl.  You will never be able to figure out when N begins. You can be sure it never ends as long as they draw a breath.

I know you are angry, so am I, so are most of us here. I have sacrificed so much of my life trying to please the unpleasable and being angry at them and at myself for not taking care of my own needs and for not giving up on a lost cause years ago. It is all perfectly clear to me now, but that does not lessen the hurt and resentment. It is so abstract and unbelievable that others do not understand. My husband commented last night that it is a shame it takes us so long in life to figure things out. Those of us who suffered childhood abuse sometimes can't come to terms with it until middle-age. ACON's fall in a rather different category than a kid in an obviously abusive home (the kind you see social workers race to and put on the evening news). And so it is with me, I didn't even know I had been abused until mid-life (or maybe past then if I were able to measure the lifespan years she took away from me). In any event, the sooner you get busy sorting this out, the sooner the anger will lessen, and it will lessen, not because the N's get better, but because you begin to love yourself more.

Good luck and happy spirits to you and to all of us.

[Dawning]

Hi angrygirl, I agree with the others in response to your first statement.  N's will usually become hostile and defensive if you bring up *any* N traits they may have (in their presence.)  The fact that you are looking at yourself self-reflectively indicates you have a self.  N's - from what I have read - do not have a self.

I wonder how she became that way? Anyone know?

In the case of my mother and aunt, there is no question that my grandmother's ways of child-rearing had an impact.

[Anonymous]

Hi Seeker, angrygirl and others,

In my case, my N mom used the word "petty" against me, which was her way of saying I was selfish. So the word "selfish" wasn't loaded for me but the concept sure is now that I think of it. Whenever I wanted respect it was "Don't be petty!"  My take on the word "selfish" is that N parents loaded the word when they misused it against us when we were children and we couldn't defend ourselves and our motivations. N parents competed with us instead of nourishing our inner growth and used us for their extreme selfish motives. They labeled us selfish and shamed us for just being a child and most likely label us as selfish for wanting respect from them now.

They misused words and loaded them with emotional gunpowder so they go off even when not meant in the way our parents misused the word.  Also they are triggers that can re-ignite the pain of abuse inside of  us. When I use the word 'selfish' in regard to normal folks I mean that our own self-interest can get out of hand and we cross a boundary, hurting someone by commiting  an act for which we apologize and admit wrongdoing. Apologizing and admitting wrong is what Non-Ns can do and Ns refuse to do.  Just because we are capable of acting in a selfish manner  does not mean we are narcissistic. Especially since we apologize, express remorse and mean it or else want to mean it. Even normal people need to work on apologizing better. Ns are way out there in the area of selfishness. It is beyond normal.  It is selfishness to the tenth power.

[flower]

That was my post above.

[Discounted Girl]

Living by the Golden Rule is basically the key. N's smirk at this concept, out of their inappopriate sense of entitlement. Everyone gets a big head once in a while as we grow up we have to be knocked down a peg or two now and then till we get settled, but N's seem to skip all that. Someone on here posts about their Nmother being thin and dried up as a concentration camp refugee but yet thinks she is still the hot babe everyone is jealous of. Their beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder.

[Judith]

If you want to find out just how awful it is to be an N,
try for a little while to feel superior to everyone you meet,
to elicit their applause and adoration, and take total control
of your image so that you never admit any imperfection.
Then honestly ask yourself, is it worth it to give up true
sharing, being known, being loved and loving for the
feeling of superiority?  Who would choose such a lonely life
if they had a choice?
   Maybe some N's have a choice and some dont?
At one point in my life I fell into the above behavior
but when I realised how unsatisfying it was, I decided to
knock myself off the false pedestal.  
It worked.
    The big problem to work through, underneath it all, I believe
is the feelings of unworthiness. Nurture yourself to feel worthy
of love, of real self-love and love from others, even if it takes
awhile and is painful.
    From someone who probably had some N potential
and chose through hard work, prayer and therapy, to heal.
Judith

[Dawning]

Discounted Girl (are u still around?) wrote:

And so it is with me, I didn't even know I had been abused until mid-life (or maybe past then if I were able to measure the lifespan years she took away from me). In any event, the sooner you get busy sorting this out, the sooner the anger will lessen, and it will lessen, not because the N's get better, but because you begin to love yourself more.

Ditto Ditto, Ditto.

Btw, DG, I *do* hope you are still around.  I like listening to what you have to say.  

Take Care to all and to the original poster, angrygirl...if you are "petrified" of becoming like her, it indicates to me that you are not enmeshed; that you see yourself as your own person.  N's (esp mother ones and some spouses, I suppose) tend to see their children/spouse as extensions of themselves and, too often, we believe it  as children b/c it was ingrained so early.   It is not the child's fault that the parent is an N - that was a realization that I just had.  You are seeing that you are your own person and that, to me, is a step away from being petrified of her.  Good Luck!