Holidays can be hard....

[swimmer]

Peaceful holidays to all here....

I'm NC with my NM, for 1 year now.  I just feel like this whole thing is my fault.  I've tried to be the good daughter, but can't live up to it with a baby now.  I'm just having flashbacks all the time, especially of the time she came to visit a year ago and railroaded my budding family's life.  I have a lot of relatives on her side, some feed her narc traits, some not.  They all know who she really is.... I've hid my pain from everyone and don't know what to say now I've started to break free.  I'm isolating myself from the rest of the family, not intentionally.  I just feel like everything is always my fault.  I know intellectually this isn't true.  Every day I look at my daughter, I think how could my mother have put this all on me.  I could never put this type of shame on my daughter for just being alive.

Swimmer

[swimmer]

I just went back to read this.... so depressing, sorry everyone.  Hope my post helped someone on this forum feel validated.  In the holiday spirit, I'm thankful for Dr. Grossman and having a place to post things we carry everyday, but cannot share face to face with others everyday.

Peace and rich blessings to all here:)

Swimmer

[Ami]

(((((Swimmer))))))       xxooo   Ami

[swimmer]

Thx Ami, you are so thoughtful:)

[Twoapenny]

Swimmer, your post isn't depressing, it's real and honest and full of hope.  Where you are now is so tough but even though you're finding it hard you're still going at it and tackling it and thatis such a brave and hopeful thing to do.

I found I pulled away from my family after I had my son; I just didn't have the energy to look after a child and look after all of them as well.  I'd broken my back being everything everyone else wanted and always put other people's needs first but constantly found no-one was there for me if I needed anything (especially if I just needed someone to give me a hug and tell me everything would be okay; we all need that from time to time).  I always felt like everything was my fault and I still get blamed for everything even though I don't see any of them.  It is really hard but it's all about re-learning old habits - I've spent years now reminding myself that other people aren't my responsibility (apart from my son!) and slowly I've started to feel that deep inside, rather than just understanding it intellectually.  I've only recently felt like what I feel inside matches what I know intellectually so it can take a long time, but the more time you spend away from them and either alone or with normal people that don't blame you for everything the more you'll find that changes.

I think having a child can be a big catalyst - as you say you look at your daughter and can't understand how your mum could have done what she did.  I'm the same - when I think about the sort of home I was growing up in by the time I was his age it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  But it's looking after you and your child that will get you through and please don't ever think your posts are depressing - we've all been where you are and some are there with you right now.  So post and post and post and we'll all do our best to help you through it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ami]

You said it SO well, Twoapenny!!!                      xxxoo  Ami

[Hopalong]

Swimmer,

Not depressing at all, this is an ANTHEM!

I could never put this type of shame on my daughter for just being alive.

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I believe you!

And what a beautiful, validating, loving-mother thing to know.

Bravo.

Hops

PS--Not only will you not shame her, but you'll rejoice in her. And there it is. Enjoy your love of her! That's okay too!

[Butterfly]

I think having a child can be a big catalyst - as you say you look at your daughter and can't understand how your mum could have done what she did.  I'm the same - when I think about the sort of home I was growing up in by the time I was his age it makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I agree with Twoapenny--having babies was also my catalyst.  And, after the realization about N, my subsequent removal from NM, and the depression, came the liberty I so desperately needed.  I hope you find it, too.

Joy

[seastorm]

Yes, Holidays are hard. They bring back a lot of memories for me. Memories of not fitting in and not feeling that cloak of protection that a good family can provide.
My grown up daughter is coming out from the East for a few days with me and I hope that the tradition of abuse has been broken. She and I have a good relationship full of laughter, sharing, tears and all of it. So different from the battleground full of landmines that was my relationship with my very damaged mother.

I found that there were many boundaries I would set that would protect my daughter and somehow that helped me learn to set a few for myself. It is ok to keep the pain and bad stuff out.

I've been away from this board for a long time and done lots a healing. There were several Christmases where I was glued to it and it and hanging on to it helped me so much.

Sea Storm

[JustKathy]

Every day I look at my daughter, I think how could my mother have put this all on me.  I could never put this type of shame on my daughter for just being alive.

Hi Swimmer,

I just want to tell you that I related to every word of your post. I don't have children of my own, but I ask myself that question every day. How could a mother do that to her own child? I could never inflict that kind of pain on ANYONE, least of all, my own daughter.

Holidays for children of Ns ARE very painful. This time of year that brings so much joy to others, only opens up old wounds for us.

I have been NC with my NM for six years. During that time, she has managed to turn every relative against me with her smear campaign. I too, hid my pain, which makes her stories more convincing. But I would never lower myself to her level and say negative things about her to others in the family. A few Aunts know in their hearts that M has mental problems, but I'm not around any more, so they put up with her, and have dismissed me as the "problem child." My mother has terminal cancer, so this will be her last Christmas. I'm being vilified more this year than ever before. She sent me a letter telling me that I'm evil, then turned around and started crying to everyone that her daughter won't come to visit her dying mother. They're all falling for it.

Like you, I'm also sitting here here feeling like it's all my fault. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's a lifetime of being made to feel guilty. It's brainwashing, really. I don't know how else to feel but guilty.

Sometimes I wish that the holiday season would just go away, cease to exist. I don't want to have another Christmas. I really believe that as long as I live, every year the painful flashbacks of past holidays will come back to haunt me. They'll never go away. You can't erase that stuff from you brain, you know?

Please come to this board and visit often. I spend a lot of time here near Christmas. This board has been such a lifesaver in years past. I feel SO alone during the holidays, but coming here makes me whole again. When I read everyone's stories, I know that I'm NOT alone, and that I'll be okay.

[Sealynx]

Swimmer,
Like Hops I think you said something really profound when you said you wouldn't do this to your daughter. Having others take sides is a big problem with N's. Even our best friends  sometimes don't get how sick their behavior is. So much of it is based on a lifetime of knowledge of how to "get to us". When it comes to family members who "should" know, it helps to consider why they might side against you.

For many, its easier to go along than fight and they know your mom well enough to know that she will turn on them. They also know that you are a nice person they can make up with...later...or simply say they didn't understand...or just say they are sorry. For some family members it is simply not worth getting involved so they play along and apologize later. Hard as it is to accept, people, even relatives, will take the easy way out when dealing with N's.

My mother was the ignoring type so I learned to create my own non-family holidays. I would suggest that you start a family ritual of your own with friends and celebrate the good things you've brought into your life.

[JustKathy]

For many, its easier to go along than fight and they know your mom well enough to know that she will turn on them. They also know that you are a nice person they can make up with...later...or simply say they didn't understand...or just say they are sorry. For some family members it is simply not worth getting involved so they play along and apologize later. Hard as it is to accept, people, even relatives, will take the easy way out when dealing with N's.

Absolutely, I think you nailed this one! My NM's sister (my Aunt) has known all along that M "wasn't right," and always had my back. BUT, she always took care of me secretly so as not to make waves. When my mother blew off my high school graduation, my Aunt came to make workplace and brought me a gift, but M never knew. As an adult, she would sometimes say things to my husband, like "Kathy's mother has her moments," but would never commit to anything more than that. Her comments have always been very ambiguous, basically letting us know that she is aware of issues, but not wanting to stir the pot. It's definitely smarter/easier for her to remain on M's good side. I expect one day, after M passes, my Aunt may open up about it, but for now, she's definitely taking the safe route. I can't say that I blame her. She grew up with M, and knows what she is capable of. If it were my sister, I'd be tempted to do the same thing.

[swimmer]

Thank you guys!  All your words shared here really help.  I think it's just really painful to realize my mother never really loved me.  Relatives try to convince me she loves in her own way.  I don't buy it anymore.  My daughter needs me to take the high road and be emotionally available for her.  When a mother critisizes and berates a daughter, it's not only not nice but distracting.  I was feeling bad for not appreciating her love, but now it makes more sense.  Mother love is something innate we look for the moment we are born.  Why would this quest ever stop..... We do not have to take responsibility for our mother's lack of ability to love us with real maternal love. 

What is really painful sometimes, is realizing the sweet traits never nurtured to blossom into who I am now.  I notice the sweetest, most subtle mannerisms in my daughter I point out to my husband and we just absorb her budding, joyful personality.  Real loving,  maternal  moms should be there to remind thier daughter of her capacity to love.... Not how she failed to be something, this is the brainwashing.

Anyways.... thanks again!

Swimmer 

[Ami]

Dear (((Swimmer)))
 I know exactly what you mean about realizing you were not loved. It is the pivotal point for letting the illusion of the good M go. It feels horrible and gut wrenching but then you get better, gradually, cuz you are seeing what is real. Truth is healing .
Your M did not squash your sweetness!                  xxoo  Ami

[swimmer]

Thx again, I notice your sweetness wasn't squashed either Ami , nor the other people posting here:) .... Where did we all come from anyways?

swimmer