Where Do I Fit?

[CK]

Just where do I fit,  exactly,  when for 45 yrs The Mother has caused me to believe I am "The Loser-Lowlife"  then I learn about Narcissism and realise I am NOT the things she says I am,  but because I believed the things she says, She has custody of my 11yr old son (I had a nervous breakdown whe he was 9 mos. old and she got custody.)  I cannot afford a decent home for a child.  Rent is too high and I don't have the skills for a better paying job,  and try as I might, I CANNOT fight her, when I think her name, I literally choke.  I close my eyes and see her standing there saying"I love you, I love you," all the while shoving her fist down my throat trying to rip out my heart.  I wish I could let myself feel.  But I still have hope for one day.

[Anna]

But I still have hope for one day.

CK, You're on the right track.  Keep searching out your truths, tell your story to those who are safe and you will begin to heal.  I know that there are various agencies providing some mental health services free if you can start asking around.  Al-Anon was a tremendous help to me.  The principles can be applied toward dysfunctional relationships to truly give us hope for the future and helps keep us sane daily.  The road to recovery isn't necessarily easy but it's worth it for you and especially your son.  Good Luck!