narcissits and addictions

[capricorn2]

Well having spent a weekend in a seminar on "The Visual Spatial Learner"
- self knowledge is the greatest power of all - it will de- file the N every time.
De-file is my own new word - as I have learned the big N is hard wired -
like a computer and has all these old files that the N can not get out of his head (computer).  They are files that are stuck there - perhaps from the age of one - to three.  Slowly, I am removing all of my old files (from my head) and replacing them with new ways of thinking.

For the big N the problem is always outside my 'self', beside my 'self' but never within my "self" - so of course I "looked" (mirror) like the problem.

As non n's our self- knowledge is wonderful.  The more I learn about MY self - the happier I am.  I am a very empathetic person and visual - so - once upon a time -  I helped put the N up there.  No longer - I use the
empathy for MY self.
and it works!!

Being a "Visual Spatial Learner"  I am slower at processing information, so the N had an advantage over me.  But like the hare and tortoise - guess who wins the race!!!!!
cappi

[Anonymous]

It is no wonder now that my N - ex was so petrified when I asked him to join me in the jacuzzi.  With some one normal that would have been an invite, with an N it is absolutely scarrrrry !!

NOW that warm beautiful bubble bath alone is soooooh sooooothing!!!  I love myself.

Be intimate with an N and scare the "s.." out of him and he/she will run like....

Oh my goodness,!!  

I did that once and could not, for the life of me, figure out what was wrong with my invitation for a nice warm bubble bath on a cold winter day.  He not only rejected it, but also made me feel it was a dumb thing to do.  Thank you so much for relieving me of this guilt that my Nboyfriend put on me.  

Your story is so inspiring.  Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom on the board here.

Switzerland

[capricorn2]

So-
Today another old file comes up from my counselling -
It is the humpty dumpty story.

I was asked why do ...you think all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put humpty together again?  It is not possible to put an N together.  They are empty inside.

Also, N's/addicts can be very very clever - they work only from the neck up - very cerebral.

I was also asked - do you think love can change an N or addict.

Perhaps no, but I sure had to learn in my loving when love is not reciprocal.
I ended up being a Humpty reflection  - but fortunately - know how to get put the pieces back to gether - life can be a puzzle when not normal.
Cappi.

[bunny]

cappi,

You seem to know what's going on. I agree with your outlook on it.  

bunny

[capricorn2]

Hi Bunny
Thanks - for the affirmation.
Some time, I think I have it all together and then there is this "hook" that comes out of the blue.
This board is a wonderful way of helping getting it together and my highest desire is to keep myself and others out of the rut and not get "hooked" by the N or addict.  
cappi

[capricorn2]

The board certainly continues to be an active source of renewed energies - great for the non-N's.

There certainly are more new learning experiences and I wish to share my latest.

Just returned from a wonderful sun holiday to Los Cabos, Mexico.  I had invited a girl friend to come along and WOW - N's or co-dependent addicts come in all sizes and shapes.

When I did not fulfill her narcissitic demands of walking her back to the condo (when I wanted to take a walk to the beach) her wanting room service (when there are beautiful outdoor sunny patios!!) her losing her room key (I was supposed to find it for her) etc. etc.  She was sick and by "Her" standards I was supposed to spend my time having sympathy for her with her full of the you, you, you guilt trip and you are a control freak "like my dead husband" she said.   "I' statements work every time, as N's or addicts dont function with "I" !!

Interesting when we non N's have control in our own lives and venture out on our own, how the N will be provoked into anger with all the projected you this and you that.    All we non N's have to do is keep that golden silk cocoon wrapped around ourselves to protect ourselves from verbal abuse.  Wear that silk wrap all day or Athena's sheild for protection - not knowing which direction the verbal abuse  will come from.  However, I have also learned that good things also come from all directions and have learned to shut out more of the abuse and be more and more open to the good things in life - with more control of my own thoughts and life.
 
Some time just taking a simple walk works for me - filling my head with beautiful thoughts, the wind, the sea, sunsets, and wind at my feet will set me free.

We only have to fill our heads with the good times and beautiful things we do for ourselves and keep on tracking and walking in our own footsteps.
I left many footsteps on the beach in the beautiful sun, wind and surf.

Her vodka was her relief.  I never had an inkling about her habits when I invited her. The N's have many forms of relief.  But we learn and recognize them faster and faster.
Learning to run...
Cappi.

[Anonymous]

Cappi,

Your holiday sounds fantastic minus the N friend. I'm glad you could tune her out. Maybe next time, you'll just go by yourself. I once went to Honolulu alone and loved it. No one bothered me or demanded anything of me.

bunny

[angrygirl]

I just wanted to say that I was sorry for what you have been through.

Angrygirl

[capricorn2]

A new one - because the N or NPD or addict thinks differently.

In the many many times, I have flown with my n - ex - the times he would ignore me on flight, but flirt with the stewardess or waitresses in restaurants - is a prime example of his being angry with me and self-inflating himself - like an elephant!!! His response to my anger was that I was jealous!!!  It took me a while to figure this one out - another factor in the N avoiding intimacy.  N's - addicts- are very poor lovers.

In my getting angry I helped him to get away scott free.  Now I understand what was going on - another light goes on - after all those experiences I could not understand.

I could never understand his bizarre way of thinking because the N or NPD or addict thinks differently .  He was doing anything to push a button and get my goat. As long as the non - n's carry the anger, the N's are getting off scott free.

To anyone -
I read a post with the divorce web site - please post again - I read it and would like to re-read. I found it very informative.
Thanks
Cappi