Too Security Minded in Relationships - Acting Like a Hover Craft

[teartracks]

Hi,

Has anyone experienced a dating (or friendship) relationship where the other person is so security minded about the relationship that they became like a Hover Craft wanting to be in close proximity to you all the time?  
tt

[Portia]

Gosh TT. Clinginess, abandonment issues, control-freakery...
I tell 'em to back off, or I back off and if they follow....I run away....and if they still persist? I ask them exactly what they want. If I can't or don't want to be part of that, I tell them. Takes a while for me to reach thatstage though. I'm generally probably too patient..or long-suffering  

on the other hand, it may be someone who cares for you, looking out for you. I'm such a cynic, it takes me a while to see a positive side.

[teartracks]

Hi Portia,

I asked the question mainly because I think the man I'm dating falls into the 'too security minded' category.  His mother died when he was 7 1/2.  He was lovingly raised by his grandparents.   Although my mother was emotionally cold, I think it would have killed me had she died when I was a child.  So it ends up that he probably felt/feels (and for good reason) physically abandoned when his mother died. That likely is the genesis of his need to be in close proximity to me as much as possible.     

What you said has given me food for thought about his possible feelings of abandonment.  

Thank you girlfriend!

tt



 

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I think hovering over you when you're in a dating relationship or are otherwise not committed is grounds for being very cautious. Some people who are very insecure like that can turn out to be abusers once they think you are trapped (by marriage or other commitment). Not all of course, but it is a cause for concern.

[teartracks]

Hi HeartofPilgrimage,

I think you're right.  I think I'm extra sensitive to such behavior.  Partly because I'm the last person he should 'hover' over if he wants the relationship to carry on.  Manipulation was the 'blue plate special' in my FOO (N mother).  I can smell it!  

To be fair to him, it is too early in the relationship for me to make any judgments.  He seems like a decent human being.  It is my intuition that has raised a caution flag that I can't reasonably ignore.  It's not enough for me to call it a dealbreaker at this stage.

Thanks dear HeartofPilgrimage...

tt

[HeartofPilgrimage]

You're welcome! It makes me happy to hear that you're cautious but are reserving judgment. That way you hopefully can hang on to a good relationship but maintain clarity if it turns sour.

One thing my son was saying the other day is that he has found that "issues" hang over from one relationship to another. And he is only 19! So, for those of us with a lot more relationship experience (or at least more years to have "issues") it makes sense that sometimes our red flags go up and there is nothing wrong with the other person. But we didn't have those bad experiences in the past for nothing! We are wise to learn from them!

[teartracks]

Hi HeartofPilgrimage,

So true...getting to understand what makes another person tick is a lot of the fun in a relationship.   Being wary of ticking bombs isn't so much fun, but it sure is necessary.

tt

[Hopalong]

Hi TT,

I hope it turns out to be some mere insecurity that he could get a grip on once he felt safe. But, he's got to make HIMSELF feel safe, not ask you to.

Have you talked to him about it, TT? Can you just tell him,

I care about you. But your hovering is a red flag for me because it's either controlling or it's a sign that I will have to reassure you constantly, which is very draining. And I can't sign on for either of those patterns. If you want to get yourself some therapy though, to deal with what triggers this for you and how you might manage your feelings... then, we might have something here.

??

xo
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Hops,

I hope it turns out to be some mere insecurity that he could get a grip on once he felt safe.

I hope so too.  He seems like a decent person.  

But, he's got to make HIMSELF feel safe, not ask you to.
So true.  

Security is not a seeable.  Not denying that signs exist as to a person's character (some of them pointing to whether you can feel secure in a relationship), but to a large degree, security in a relationship requires believing in the other person without logical proof or material evidence.  

Have you talked to him about it, TT? Can you just tell him,

We've talked a little about it.  I'm afraid I didn't do too well in that first attempt.  I was triggered, couldn't identify what it was about until a day or two later.  As you may have experienced, being triggered, doesn't foster clear headedness and I don't think fast on my feet anyway.  

Yes, one thing we have going for us is the ability to talk as equals.  Each of us is willing to take a pause and return later to the issue at hand.  

I care about you. But your hovering is a red flag for me because it's either controlling or it's a sign that I will have to reassure you constantly, which is very draining. And I can't sign on for either of those patterns. If you want to get yourself some therapy though, to deal with what triggers this for you and how you might manage your feelings... then, we might have something here.??

Hops, you're such a diplomat.  I love this as a template for discussing my feelings with him.  I'm worse than rusty at this romance stuff.  I need all the pointers you can give.

tt

[CB123]

Hey TT,

Just re read my answer in light of YOUR answer, and saw a place that might have been unclear...

When I say "just take it", I dont mean back-burner it-- I mean take the space I need without discussing it.  I agree--some things are too crucial to where I am right now to put it on the back burner.  On the other hand, I dont know how I will always feel, and I dont want to make any more grand pronouncements (I am inordinately good at grand pronouncements) in my life time.  More like:  I need time to do whatever so I take it.  It means I'm less available that day, and that becomes part of the rhythm of the relationship.  Of course, I have to be willing to allow him the same thing and that can be a bit more challenging.

I understand all the stuff that is probably being stirred up for you...its why I am much more likely to think that dating is a positive thing.  I think it is too easy to become fearful when we remain alone (or rather committed to remaining alone). 

Much love
CB

[teartracks]

Hi CB

I wanted to especially thank you for the part about viewing 'the relationship' as an entity unto itself.  That's how I handle my other relationships.  I think I do them well for the most part.  I need to use the ones I have as a model.  I lost sight of doing the same with this one, mostly I think because he wants it to progress at a much faster pace than I'm comfortable with. He had a long and happy marriage.   I expect he thinks easing into another, after three years of being alone, may be easy.  That part of the population that has  not, for whatever reason, (me being one of them), experienced a 'happy' marriage are apt to do a few bizzare dances before believing in the'happy everafters' or the 'oh we can work it outs'.   I've spent far more of my life alone than with someone.  That in itself should be a red flag to him.  Makes me feel like I have to be cautious on his account and mine.  I'm not putting myself down, it's just that I have the temperament that accommodates being alone.  Edit in:  But even that As benign as having the temprament to spend a lot of time alone sounds it could very well be a huge negative for him.  He is an extravert.  I won't go from being that person who adapts very well to being alone to wanting to 'be with' him or anyone else all the time.  

I really appreciate your input.  When you think of things, I hope you'll share them.  

tt

Edit in:  CB, I knew what you meant.  The acute feeling it struck in me did surprise me and makes me know that my feelings about it run very deep.
Your input is helping me put it in perspective.