Rescue and Realisation

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

I seem to have had quite a number of lightbulb moments over the festive period and would love to know if others have had similar and/or what people think about them.

Realisation:  As many of you know, I have been posting about the numerous times I have been investigated for child abuse because of accuasations made by my mum and I have recently been reported again by a policewoman who was 'investigating' the abuse I reported regarding myself as a child.  I have thought about this a lot (in a 'why does this keep happening to me' way) and have noticed there are certain things the people I have these problems with have in common.

1  None of them know me - I include my mum under this umberella.  The problems I have had in this regard lie with my mum, a health visitor, a social worker and now a police woman.  My mum never knew me because I was never allowed to be myself (you know what I mean by that).  The health visitor who backed my mum's accusations had met with me twice, both times to fill out forms - we'd never had a conversation about anything.  The social worker spent less than thirty minutes with me, during which time she talked mostly about herself.  She didn't ask me a single question throughout that time and then declared that I was fabricating my son's disability (despite the fact he'd been assessed extensively and was in receipt of various disability benefits, all of which are quite difficult to get for a child).  The police woman was in a car with me for over two hours as we drove to the police station to make the statement and back again and she talked about herself for most of that time.  The day she reported me she was in the house for less that five minutes and made her accusations about my parenting based on how tidy my house was that day.  So none of these people actually know me, or tried to get to know me.

2  They've all made ludicrous accusations about me that fall apart under the tiniest bit of pressure.  They've only got away with making these accusations because no-one's questioned them at the time - they're in a position where their word is accepted without question and the information they provide is acted on, without anyone digging into it at all or asking them to substantiate it.

3  They've all made these accusations without my knowledge.  My mum was doing it for two years before I found out at all, and I only found out about the earlier stuff fairly recently.  None of the others - health visitor, social worker, police woman - told me what they were accussing me of or gave me a chance to defend myself against the accusations - they all built cases against me in secret and then threw it at me at the last minute.

I've realised that my 'red light' with each of these people is that, when I've met with them, they've talked about themselves.  They haven't asked me any questions about me or my life or listened when I've tried to talk.  I realise that, in a situation like this in the future, I need to make myself scarce pretty quickly because I think, for me at least, I need to take this as a bad sign and get myself away quickly!  I'd love to know what others think about this and what they've experienced.

The second thing is rescuing.  I've realised I swoop in to rescue people because there was such a big part of me as a little girl longing for someone to realise what was going on and swoop down and scoop me up.  I have this picture in my mind of these big arms sweeping out of the sky and just cradling me up and lifting me up out of danger.  And I think that's why I'm always the first to offer to help, or give someone something, or charge in saying 'don't worry, I'll do it!!'.  I've been aware of the doing too much thing for a while and have tried not to, but it always feels wrong if I don't help someone out.  However, two things have happened over Christmas - my friend's husband broke his arm and will not be able to work for six weeks or drive.  My neice has left her boyfriend and is moving back home to her mum.  Usually I would have lept in and offered to help.  Both times I thought 'oh I'll keep out of the way so I don't get roped into doing anything'.  I'm not sure if this new, more selfish attitude is a good or a bad thing, but I'd love to know what others think.

Hoping everyone is doing okay,

Twoapenny

[Ami]

Dear (((Twoapenny))
 I think that we, as D's of N's ,  in shock about what  happened in our lives. We  just want to "have a nice life with loving people". IOW, we can't really comprehend the evil of the N's and just want to hide our heads in the sand .
 Meanwhile, the N is running on all cylinders to destroy anyone who makes them look bad.The truth is what makes them look bad .
 So, if YOU are telling the truth, the N will come at you with nuclear weapons.
 You, being a sweet and kind   person, can't figure out what is going on.
 For me, I have to be less sweet with people who are pieces of S##T.There are many out there.
 I don't know what it is like for people who grow up with sweet mothers. Maybe, they learn about life's pains outside their front door. We learned inside our front doors and more importantly  inside our hearts.
 We learned too much pain too early and so we can't really comprehend what awful things people like N's can do.
 ((((((Twoapenny))))) Sending you a big hug across the ocean!!            xxooo   Ami

[Sealynx]

Hi Two,
I read your comments and first thing that struck me is that none of these people showed up with an open mind. The overwhelming amount of "evidence" against you prevented them from seeing things in a new way.

First (as they are required to do in most cases) they read all the stuff your mother posted against you without any real rebuttal being present and branded you as guilty. The human mind operates by gathering information that supports its previous conclusions, which is why it is so hard to change someones mind about abuse, politics or anything else. When they came to your home, everything that was "wrong" or ill kept "stuck out" because they were looking to validate a conclusion that was already heavily supported.

In this sense you are operating at a disadvantage every time you deal with these people. As Ami mentioned you were too nice to confront these allegations when they happened and didn't even know about them for years.

These people were forced by their jobs to make the visit, and didn't want to "rile you up," least you engage in behaviors they'd read about.  So, they talked about themselves and made chit chat!

That brings us to the issue of what to do. At this point I would think that the only thing that will change this pattern is a long term relationship with a savvy social worker and/or having your mother formally diagnosed by the court system. I'm not sure what the law is like where you are but it wouldn't hurt to start collecting statements from former neighbors, employers or anyone credible who wouldn't mind corroborating your story about mom's abuse.

It would also be a good idea to ask anyone who can counter specific allegations of abuse to step forward personally and demand that their version be recorded on any "charts" that exist in social services about you. They should also make statements about what they know of your mothers rages, and other unusual behavior. It would be good to look at dates when your mother alleged misconduct on your part. Can you prove she was nowhere near you that week?