OCD and N family situations

[Sealynx]

I'm curious how many of your have obsessive traits, (checking, orderings or repetitive thoughts). I know that this disorder can pop out of nowhere and back in my 30's when I was trying to come to terms with the family stuff I would worry a great deal about things not being turned off, door locked etc.  I am still check a door sometimes but I'm not nearly so bad about that since I am now "in control" of my life.

I have a friend who has the disorder now and the more I learn about her life, the more it seems that the disorder seems related to being caught in a double bind situation of some sort where all alternatives are cut off causing the person to deal with the anxiety by transferring it to something they can control.  There also seems to be an aspect of  either being or feeling alone in trying to deal with the life issues. Even in the books I've read while trying to help her, the people always seem to feel they have to take care of things. For instance, if I think I might not have locked my door, I am fine if I ask my neighbor to check it when she walks her dog. Some of these symptoms like ordering or repetitive thoughts would be harder to share, but it still struck me that the people seemed unable to either trust family friends and family members to help out or developed those traits that could not be helped by others. Since trust is also something that is hard for many children of N....I wonder...

[teartracks]

Hi Sealynx,

I know almost nothing about OCD.  I remember I used to count the white lines on the highway while driving until something caught my attention and made me forget about the counting.  I figured I was just bored driving.  Don't think that would qualify as OCD though.  I now have an elderly friend who can't get a particular song that goes round and round silently in her head to stop and it has been several years.  She functions virtually on every other level except driving.  I know her well and have seen other 'signs' of obsessive compulsive behaviors, but not to a degree that makes her dysfunctional or in my mind, not even diagnostically called OCD.  I also know a person who compulsively picks her skin and bites her nails under extreme stresss.  Don't know if that is OCD or just a bothersome habit.

First example - definitely not N.  Second one maybe...

I'll be interested to learn from this thread.   Thanks for introducing the question.

tt

[Twoapenny]

Hi S,

Interesting, I'd been talking about something similar with my T a while before Christmas.  I have a thing with lists and blocks of time.  For example, I do ten minutes cleaning in each room of the house each day.  It has to be ten minutes, and it has to be the same for each room.  If something isn't on my list, I write it on before I do it and if I do something that wasn't listed I write it down after I've done it and then cross through it immediately!  When I'm really busy I timetable my day, right down to when to stop for a snack and a drink.  As I discussed this with my T I was laughing because it sounded so ridiculous.  She reckons it's to do with feeling safe - 'if I do this, this and this then nothing bad will happen to me'.  I feel a lot happier and more content with a list than without one.  I had tried not having one for a couple of weeks which was going okay but I got quite stressed out over Christmas and it reappeared.  I check and recheck doors and windows are locked, although as I live alone I wonder if that's a more normal thing to do (ie making sure you're safe indoors).  Or is it more than that?  I don't know!

My sister is a lot more obsessive; she notices immediately if something's been moved or taken out of the house.  She doesn't make lists the way I do but has a cleaning ritual and can't sleep if she hasn't done it each day.  I have another friend who is utterly obsessed with her house being spotless at all times and things being put in exactly the right place (to the point that if you have a cup of tea round there you have to stand next to where the coaster is on the mantlepiece because moving the coaster stresses her out so much that it seems cruel to do it).

I don't know what it is.  My mind feels clearer and I feel better able to cope if I have my list and can tick things off it.  Similarly, if people come round it's the first thing I hide because I feel embarassed to admit I have it and I don't usually tell people about it (most of my friends don't know I'm like that).  It's still that thing about having different personas - the real you and the one you present to the rest of the world.  I'm still working on finding a balance between the two

[Sealynx]

TT and Twoapenny,
From what I've read the disorder affects 1 in 40 people so it is quite prevalent. All of the things you guys mentioned are listed as forms of OC behavior, but as with everything there are varying degrees. It doesn't seem to be as important to diagnose the disorder, unless severe and requiring medication to allow you to go through your day. Most of the stories I've read have described a "feeling" that sort of needs to be fed. In other words rather than being okay with the fact that you never opened a window because its been cold all week, you have to check, sometimes more than once until you "feel" less anxious. .

Perhaps one way of managing uncomfortable feelings that you can't deal with directly is to create "emergencies" or "habits" that can be handled without going near the "taboo" subject? That brings up the subject of "Can some way of sitting with the feeling of the compulsive or obsessive act lead you back to the real feeling and issues?

There is a Buddist meditation I've used to deal with emotional pain. You just sit and concentrate on the feeling in the body. It  works with the idea that nothing lasts for ever if you fully express it. I'm sure it wouldn't work for those who have severe forms of this disorder but I've experimented with trying to processing minor obsessive thoughts  by comparing the obsessive feeling to feelings I get when I'm around my Family. In other words, if you stop making the lists and just sit with the uncomfortable feeling you get until you know it well enough to remember it, what does it feel like? Where is the feeling in your body? Does it manifest in your stomach, chest, throat, where? Does it remind you of any feelings you get around your N's?

In my case I think there are still hints of aloneness, especially with the economy going the way it is. Perhaps those early feelings were driven by that sense that no one will will help me, so I invented rituals that made me feel in control of my environment even when I wasn't sure I was?  Am I better now because I am more secure in my ability to support and care for myself and don't feel the need to rely on anyone?

[Portia]

Hi Sealynx
very few in my case. I hardly 'check' more than once and my routines are driven by practicalities. i don't worry if I don't clean, although thngs not done can make me slightly uneasy - but no more than 'normal' I would think. Nothing stops me sleeping. I do sometimes start counting when I'm cutting up veg chunks, catch myself at about 7 and stop on purpose because it irritates me (like the tune on the brain). Very monotonous activities seem to linger after they're finished. That may be due to high concentration levels.

[JustKathy]

I am more bothered by repetitive noises and movements that have no reason.

I have this problem too. My husband has a nervous habit of twitching his feet constantly, drumming his fingers on the desk, and so on. I come completely unhinged, especially at the foot twitching. I never thought of this as OCD. I always assumed that it was somehow related to my generalized anxiety disorder.

[Sealynx]

JustKathy,
From what I've read there are many disorders that have similar symptoms and Generalized Anxiety was mentioned. However that just makes me more curious about what the relationship between these disorders and the forming brain of a child is. I read some more last night and they suspect issues with several parts of the brain but also an environmental link that sets them off.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

My husband is a drummer, thumper, tapper. Drives me nuts. If he's thinking, he's doing something noisy and rhythmic --- on the steering wheel, on the coffee table, on my head for pete's sake.

I twist my hair --- always have. Drove my mom crazy. She thought she could stop me by correcting me all the time. Just hurt my feelings. My husband wants my hair long and honestly I look better with longer hair ... but when it's long enough, I mess with it all the time and it ends up breaking off. It's not exactly trichotillomania --- if you have that you actually pull your hair out --- but it annoys me nevertheless. I also sometimes make the ends of my fingers sore, I wrap it so tightly around them.

It calms me down to play with my hair. It is worse when I am tired, and severe when I am anxious. Usually by the end of the day I pull it back to remove the temptation. Somehow if it is not available, I am OK.

[JustKathy]

I do that too! I constantly twist and play with my hair. Not obsessively so, but it's definitely a source of comfort for me. I HAVE to wear it long. On a few occasions when I've tried shorter styles, I was distraught at not having enough to wrap around my fingers. I always ended up growing it out.

[nolongeraslave]

Yes, I'm in recovery from body dysmorphic disorder. It's basically being OCD about how you look. No, it's not vanity or thinking that you're better than everyone else (which is what people would assume).

This is tough for me to talk about, because people are cruel about understanding BDD.  I'm sorry if I come off as angry in this post

I have had constant and tormenting obsessions about how I look (whether I looked ugly, good enough, what people were thinking), compulsive mirror checking, "appearance fixing", constant reassurance seeking, spending hours and hours comparing photos/googling up appearance-related topics, skin picking, etc.   All of these habits are ways to relieve the anxiety related to BDD.  I don't check the mirror to "adore myself", which is what people would assume.   Checking the mirror for me or re-applying makeup is like the OCD person washing their hands.  

This is not a fun disorder, and this isn't something that "everybody" has.  People are conscious of how they look, but they don't get tormenting anxiety over it or stay isolated in the house.  We know the thoughts are irrational and destructive.  We know that people in the world are starving and how looks aren't the most important thing to dwell about (this is something that BDDers hear from others, when they try to talk about their problems).   We just can't stop doing it.  

I do strongly believe NM is responsible for this. Looks, beauty and perfecting flaws have always been a big thing with her. She would scrutinize how I looked, so I would try to look perfect 24/7. I figured the whole world was scrutinizing and judging me, so I developed the BDD habits to help cope with her insane expectations. It was okay for her to criticize how I looked, but it wasn't okay for me to be obsessive. My obsessions "annoyed" her, but she gets to say anything she wants about my weight my hair, my skin, etc.


I have had to go through several different therapists to finally find one that understood body dysmorphic disorder.  I also had to a lot of self-help, because it felt like I knew more about BDD than the health professionals out there.  Many of them quickly assume that we're vain narcissists, but it's BS.