Self-Care and Children of Ns

[sunblue]

I'm wondering if lack of self-care is a characteristic common to adult children of Ns.....I have never been good with self-care...even basic needs stuff.  My brother, who can be regarded as the "most healthy" of our family, is quite good at it...even to the extreme.  I was the most impacted by my N family....and I am the worse at self-care.  I'm wondering if those most affected by Ns are so busy focusing on the Ns in their life, that they don't value themselves enough even for basic self-care.

Anyone else feel like this?

[Logy]

I think you are right about a lack of self-care in N's children.  As for myself, my lack permeates most areas of my life.  Emotional, physical, home, work, love life.  Everyone else's needs were more important than mine.  Most of the time I don't even KNOW what my needs are.  Each time I tried to address doing something to take care of myself, the N parents either made conflicting comments about them or ridiculed me for being "selfish".

When I got a chance to go on vacation with a friend, they volunteered to look after my pets, even though I already had plans to board them.  When I got back, all I heard was how inconvenienced they were, how difficult it was, and got the silent treatment for a while.

When I said I was going back to college (as an adult, with no cost to them) I was told "you'll never finish".

When I mentioned that I had gotten a pedicure and took a nap (on a Saturday - I work 2 jobs and needed a break) I was told in a sarcastic tone "WELL, don't you treat yourself well".

It is expected of me to do favors for my 50 year old brother but when I asked him to do a favor for me N-dad asked "What did you do in return to thank him?"  As if I am not worthy of someone going out of their way for.

So, no, I do not take care of myself.  Eat poorly, smoke, don't exercise, don't manage my finances very well.  After a lifetime of being told I don't deserve to be cared for, I am trying to turn it around but am struggling with it.

[Lollie]

Hi sunblue & Logy.

Self-care is also a huge issue for me. Like most children of Ns, I was trained to care for my parents needs and happiness first, so it's no surprise that now, as an adult, I focus on what I can do for others first and often times ignore my own self-care.

One of my major challenges is trying to distinguish what's healthy self-care and what's plain old selfishness. I am so concerned with not being that selfish, self-absorbed person that I deny myself even the most basic of things: everything from getting a decent night's sleep (how dare I spend $43 on my medication?)...to allowing myself the time to go to the gym...to buying new socks and underwear. And believe me, I NEED new socks and underwear. LOL.

Giving myself a few hours away from my DH and DD to recharge my batteries is excruciating.  Buying myself new clothes is especially difficult, too.

I'm trying to work on this with varying degrees of success. The best tool I have is to imagine that I'm giving advice to my best friend, C. If I saw her agonizing about going to the gym or buying new underwear, what would I tell her to do? What does she deserve? Sometimes that's enough to help me push through and start to do things for myself.

We have to take care of ourselves. I know that when I don't, I get resentful of all the normal people who can go ahead and do this naturally, without thinking about it or going through a series of mental gymnastics about what they deserve and what they don't deserve. So now when I catch myself feeling resentful, I try to watch what the more healthy people in my life do and how they do it. I'm still trying to learn how to do some of the simplest things!

[Logy]

Lollie,
That's good advice - what would you say to a friend?  I will keep that in mind. 

Hearing the word "selfish" literally makes my chest tighten.  Really.  I was told constantly that I was selfish - as a child, a teenager, a young adult - one of my biggest fears is to be considered selfish.  Lollie, your comment about how you analyze what is selfish and what is self-care really hit home.   And I am jealous of regular folks who just do it because it is a normal part of their life.   

One time - when my N-parents were telling me I was selfish and taking "good care of myself" I answered "if I don't, who will?"  They just sat there, silent.  Hmmmmm.  Guess we know who WON'T take care of us. 

And that is why we are here.  Maybe to take care of each other?

[sunblue]

Hello L and L:

Yes, good comment all around.  I find that I cannot tolerate selfishness in others.  I resent it in others.  I don't understand why they can't think of others like I always have (not a self-serving pat on the pack, just a fact).  Because I was raised in an N family, I've always thought of everyone first.  I know now that part of my outward generosity tendencies is because I hope that it will convince others to care about me, take interest in me, acknowledge me.  But of course it doesn't work. 

At work, I'm surrounded by women who take really good care of themselves.  Spending money on themselves for things like getaway trips, theatre tickets, clothes, gadgets, pedicures, etc...is not a special treat, but a way of life.  I'm just amazed at that...because I feel guilty if I purchase the smallest thing for myself.

I also resent my brother's selfishness...because it is "selective" selfishness....just as m Nmom's was and is.  Think about it...when an Nparent interacts with their Nchildren or strangers who offer them their supply, their generosity is boundless.  But with others of us, they are extremely selfish.  Same thing for my "healthy" brother.  He lavishes time, attention, money, encouragement, support on his own family---wife and child, neighbors, friends....but he has no qualms tellling me he as "no time" for me.  While I go out of my way to purchase special gifts for him and his family at Xmas in a generous way, his gifts to me were literally purchased at a pharmacy in the last hours before the holiday.  However, he clearly lavished expensive gifts on his own family.  I'm not one to look for gifts.  That's no the point.  But like with other things, I look at gift giving as a reflection as someone's understanding of and care for the recipeient.  Obviously, he has none for me.


So, self-care is very difficult for me  I think it would be easier if I had someone in my life to encourage me but I don't. Logically, I think we deserve it more than anyone..but it is hardest for us to do.

[BonesMS]

Self-care is an extremely difficult skill to learn given that we were never taught this skill growing up.  I still struggle with it even now.  Given my current health issues, I now understand that it is imperative that I take care of my own health needs, which may require me to say "No" to someone else's demands on me.  N's simply do NOT understand this concept because they see us as simply tools and objects to be used for their own gratification.

I think what finally woke me up was in the Fall of 2008, when I got so sick and I was going through test after test to try and get a handle on what was going on.  I was also on various medications that had side effects so bad that I literally could NOT safely drive my own car.  As a result, bf was taking me to the various medical appointments.

In the middle of my ongoing medical crisis, NDoofus called me complaining about how her sister's cancer was "inconvenient"!!!!  (Isn't that typical of a Narcissist?!?!?!?)  Here, her own sister had been diagnosed with esophageal/stomach cancer, was literally FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE, needed to have frequent chemotherapy appointments to try and FIGHT THIS DEADLY FORM OF CANCER and all NDoofus would do was B*TCH about how it was "SO INCONVIENIENT for HERSELF!"     Then NDoofus asked if I would take over driving her sister to her chemotherapies.  I told her "No" because of my own medical issues.  NDoofus completely IGNORED my medical issues and whines:  "B-U-U-U-T-T-T, I'LL P-A-Y YOU!!!!!!!"     She loathed the fact that my "NO" remained a SOLID "NO"!!!!  She actually expected me to instantaneously DROP my medical health issues for HER CONVENIENCE!!!!!

When NDoofus attempted to try and manipulate me, again, in February 2009, in an attempt to force me to change my "NO" into a "YES", continuing to IGNORE the fact that my health issues are STILL ongoing, and take over driving her sister to chemotherapy because she was TIRED of the INCONVENIENCE, that's when I HUNG UP on her!  (What part of the word, "NO" does this NDoofus NOT understand!?!?)   

Bones