School and children of Ns

[JudyK]

Kathy,
  That is EXACTLY the way my mother thinks. Wants to be able to brag about her children. She did some bragging about my success becoming an R.N. But that was soon done with, when I changed jobs from hospital woek to nursing homes. This was not "braggable" for her.

[Sealynx]

My situation is a little different. My parents managed to destroy my educational progress at several points via a succession of incredibly bad moves either change my school or literally moving to a place where I didn't fit in at all. I started out life with excellent abilities in math and english, but by the time I got to Junior High I was almost unable to learn because of severe emotional difficulties. I would test very high and be placed in gifted classes only to perform marginally because I could not concentrate. When I did win praise or awards, my parents were either indifferent or they showed up and overshadowed my moment in the sun by bringing along some "important" friend of theirs and introducing that person to everyone. It was so embarrassing that I learned to shun the spotlight.  Since they never taught me anything about dealing with normal life issues I felt inferior at work and never tried to assume a position of importance there either.

Once I got away from them I no longer had issues with school and achieved advanced degrees without a problem. I excelled in technical computer areas and as our school moved toward online education I was pushed to the forefront and sought out by co-workers. I became important by default since no one else could do what I could and the skill was needed.

[JustKathy]

I never had to compete with my brother (the GC) because NM pulled him out of the public school system pre-high school, and sent him to a very pricey private academy. She had "issues" with the public high school, said the school was "good enough" for her two girls, but her son deserved better.

I think the big issue that she had with the high school was that she couldn't control them. When I was younger and in elementary school, she joined the PTA, got heavily involved in the goings on at the school, and was able to control the classes I took and the teachers I had. She also got close to the teachers at the PTA meetings, and was able to get them to report back on our classroom activity, so she knew EVERYTHING that I was doing. When I got to HS, they told her to bug off, so she lost that ability to monitor my activities. At the same time, I started showing signs of independence as I became a teenager. That's when her N traits really started to show. She blamed the school for it, saying that they allowed me to get out of control. School became better for me then, because she lost those inside connections, and the ability to spy on me.

When she sent my brother to private school, I remember her telling everyone that the public high school "ruined my girls, but I won't let them ruin my son." Here's the funny part . . . I went to the same high school in L.A. (Burbank) that Ron Howard and Tim Burton went to. Oddly, the school seemed to work out just fine for them.

[JustKathy]

That is EXACTLY the way my mother thinks. Wants to be able to brag about her children.

My brother was born ten years after me, so I remember very clearly what M was like when he was an infant. Within days of her bringing him home from the hospital, she was telling everyone that he was going to be a doctor when he grew up (specifically, a brain surgeon). I imagine she did the same thing when I was born, as I was told all of my life that I was going to medical school. But when it became apparent that I wasn't going to be a doctor, she really turned on me. More than once, she had one of her foot-stomping tantrums, and would yell "I told everyone that you were going to be a doctor." My happiness didn't matter. She simply wanted the bragging rights of being able to say that her child was a doctor.

[CB123]

Hi Heart,

I think that boards like this are more likely to attract people who are somewhat comfortable writing.  Typically, those are people who were pretty comfortable in academics--you need fairly good writing skills to get very far in higher education.  That may be the connection between education and the children of N's. 

I have thought more than once, that we are a pretty talkative bunch, considering the fact that we are voiceless!    I'll bet that one of our biggest common traits is that we know what we are thinking and know how to express it....that could be why we we are even wounded by the fact that we werent allowed to express ourselves.  There are lots and lots of people out there who dont have much to say and who dont feel the constraints that we have felt about expressing ourselves.

I hadnt realized that until I got out in the work world.  There's a world of hurt out here.

CB

[sKePTiKal]

CB, you are right about the prevalence of voicelessness/emotional problems "out here"... along with helplessness and despair about "what to do about it". Even suspicion, if you truly ask for and value someone's feedback...

Somewhere along the educational spectrum, I think there needs to be some instruction for all on "emotional communication". A seminar on how to be "heard" with respect and what to do, if there is no respect. An explanation of boundaries - when to strengthen them... and how to learn when it's safe to let them down and let other people in. Sort of like the old courses that taught "professional demeanor" or business etiquette...

and most of all, Business Schools need to immediately STOP thinking in terms of people as a "resource" or "commodity" - or as replaceable, identical machine "parts". They are people, they all bring different things to a job and therefore do a job differently. Managers should think more like coaches and try to find people for all the "positions" who are compatible, collaboratively creative, willing to speak freely (even in criticism within compassionate terms)... if they want a "winning team". Be able to invest in these people... teach, encourage - then get out of their way and let them do their jobs... and then, yes - a recognition ritual of successes or reward system, is necessary... as well as analysis of "what went wrong" in failures (without blame). Failure is an opportunity to LEARN... but we, as a society, seem to be uncomfortable with that. It's just so common nowadays, to find someone to blame and then punish them for the whole situation....

[JudyK]

CB,
 You realy hit the nail on the head. We were NEVER allowed to express ourselves (unless the expression directly mirrored NM's beliefs.) We were also forbidden to show any negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, etc. NM always sent us to our room, so she didn't have to deal with us. I used to scream into my pillow.