Bear, I can't help but wonder if it is significant that this has gotten so much worse since the birth of your 2 yr old daughter. I think of this because the only time I have experienced uncontrollable scenarios of doom like you describe, is right after my last child who is now 12 was born. I was depressed already, then he was born early and I was afraid to let him cry at all ... my husband disagreed with me, thought I should allow him to cry a little before responding ... but I was a basketcase and could not bear him crying at all ... so I got no sleep for about 4 days after bringing him home and just about had a psychotic break. I was having doomsday scenarios flash through my mind and I had no resources to shut them out.
I think it is significant as well. When my daughter was born, I had an epiphany of sorts, it was instantaneous really. I realized and understood that life is so fragile and unpredictable yet I have just received the most glorious gift of my life and I feared God would take it back because I really didn't deserve such a beautiful baby in the first place. I truly thought, "Something this beautiful could NOT possibly me mine!!!!???
I realize my thoughts are geared toward losing her and fearing her death is because I made mistake or wasn't paying attention at that moment. Before she was born, I feared losing my husband in some awful accident, etc.
Twoapenny wrote:
This has made me think soooo much! It's been really good for me, so thank you
My scenarios often involve me saving the day in some way (getting us out of the fire, for example) and me being the centre of attention (my son's been kidnapped so everyone is running around me trying to find him) I'm not saying it's the same with everyone but with me I think it's
1 having a general level of anxiety that's been built into me by my mum and her husband criticising everything I do (ie nothing's ever good enough and so I've always had an anxiety of what's going to be wrong with what I did, and I think that is just there all the time below everything I do and everything I have in my life).
2 Having a general fear of not deserving or having a right to have a child, a job, a home, or even just an easy, uneventful life.
3 I think working through scenarios in my head (how we get out of the fire, escaping the car as it heads toward the lake, pulling my son out of the wreckage just before it blows up etc) is how I cover all the bases, which I always had to do all my life. If anything went wrong it was my fault and I should have foreseen what was coming and done something to avoid it.
4 Being the centre of attention I think is fairly obvious with me because I never was! So having all eyes on me gives me that focus that I never had and craved so much
5 Being in situations where I rescue my son or just generally cope with the disaster that's unfolding is, I think, my thing about having to be almost superhuman to get any kind of recognition or praise (ie if I got my son out of the fire my mum might finally have something good to say about me).
I think that's my combination of stuff that goes on at a sort of subconscious level and has these bizarre fantasies going through my head to kind of play that out. I worry more about there being fault with how I handle the situation rather than the situation itself, if that makes sense?
My goodness this make so much sense!! You have itemized it to the core and explain almost to a T as I imagine things. I often think of how I would pull my family to safety from the car going in the lake. The superhuman thing you mention made me think even more about this issue and why we are all plagued by these thoughts. Our common denominator is that we were raised by N's. I wonder if the rest were raised by NM in particular as opposed to a Nfather. I curious as to the correlation between the NM and the child because children think their mother's are gods and can do no wrong.
You also said
"I worry more about there being fault with how I handle the situation rather than the situation itself." This made me think that maybe we had to be perfect in ALL that we did or else we would be called (in my case) stupid, dumb or slow. We were in fact expected to act like superhumans in order to balance NM's emotions and everything else she put upon us. We not only had to act like the adult but had to carry the N's emotional baggage with us everywhere we went. Children are not capable of this immense job so perhaps we envision us as stronger and capable of saving everyone from the wreckage...and now the wreckage of our own past.
Like Logy, I have similar thoughts of saving children. Isn't it strange that we share such similar thoughts? This has got to be a symptom of something or result of specific abuse, I just wished I knew exactly where it comes from and I could take a pill to let them all go.
So, so, so interesting.
Bear.