I WISH

[Ami]

I WISH there were a guy, a pair of shoes,a really nice  pocketbook, clothes, degrees, houses, cars, prestige  that could make me feel I had a self.
 I hope I have hit a place where I know that nothing can.

[Twoapenny]

I think you have a self.  In your posts, you come across to me as:

Wise
Knowledgeable
Incredibly kind
Strong
Courageous
Sympathetic
Loving
Very Self Aware
Intelligent (Emotionally and Intellectually)
Warm
Honest

I think that is your self.  I know it's really hard when you don't feel it but I think it's buried inside somewhere.  I think it can take a long time for you to see yourself as other people see you, but that is how I see you and all of those are beautiful traits.  I think you're beautiful.  Huge hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ames)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love Twoapenny xxxxxxxxx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))

Bones

[Ami]

I think you have a self.  In your posts, you come across to me as:

Wise
Knowledgeable
Incredibly kind
Strong
Courageous
Sympathetic
Loving
Very Self Aware
Intelligent (Emotionally and Intellectually)
Warm
Honest

I think that is your self.  I know it's really hard when you don't feel it but I think it's buried inside somewhere.  I think it can take a long time for you to see yourself as other people see you, but that is how I see you and all of those are beautiful traits.  I think you're beautiful.  Huge hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ames)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love Twoapenny xxxxxxxxx

Thank you, Thank you, (((Twoapenny))
Your words were like a warm hug in my heart!!!                         xxxoo  Ami

[Ami]

Thank you (((((Bonesie)))))))   
I realize from my studying dissociation that one  part is a fragmented self.  My self feels like jello trying to get hard.
 The NM assaults your self so badly that you splinter just to survive with that monster.
  I realize now that the person I have to fall in love  with is not a man but me.
  You know how we treat a man we like so well, so respectfully,with so much care. I need to do that to myself. That would be what having a self would feel like! Thanks for your friendship, Bones !        xxxoo  Ami

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

I like this post as well as your thinking...

I wish I had nothing, really nothing but the clothes on my back.  I know that I am not my job, a relationship, a comfy bed, a cup of tea (literally speaking) I am a creation in God, made in His image and I am trying to understand His image more, who He is and what He thinks like.

Love ya,
Lise

[Ami]

Hi Ami,

I like this post as well as your thinking...

I wish I had nothing, really nothing but the clothes on my back.  I know that I am not my job, a relationship, a comfy bed, a cup of tea (literally speaking) I am a creation in God, made in His image and I am trying to understand His image more, who He is and what He thinks like.

Love ya,
Lise

Dear Lise
 I wake up in the middle of the night and it is as if God is tweaking me ,like a musical instrument, trying to tune me back in to the right shape.
 He impressed on me that we must LOSE our lives in order to gain them. That seems to be what you are saying.   xxoo   Ami

[Gabben]

"we must LOSE our lives in order to gain them"

yeah. My wish is to not be belittled in life. But I am realizing that NM belittled me so much as a child, in all the various ways that N's squish us, that at some point in my upbringing I started to just belittle myself, conformed, got in step with my mom, out of step with Christ...walking in the yoke of an N rather than walking in truth.

So I am working to heal the guilt and fear that one fells when they are giving up belittlement, it is hard, it feels like oppression all over again, working against the nazi's N who threatened our very life with" if you don't stay small and little then we will squish you until you are nothing!!"

I wish that I could no long attract women in my life who belittle me.

[Portia]

I reckon I knew things were changing when i realised I didn't give a hoot about what people thought about my house. Now i don't much care about what other people think about me. If it gets much worse, I'll have to take up a religion simply to give me some rules to live by. I mean, this is getting bad.

[Ami]

"we must LOSE our lives in order to gain them"

yeah. My wish is to not be belittled in life. But I am realizing that NM belittled me so much as a child, in all the various ways that N's squish us, that at some point in my upbringing I started to just belittle myself, conformed, got in step with my mom, out of step with Christ...walking in the yoke of an N rather than walking in truth.

So I am working to heal the guilt and fear that one fells when they are giving up belittlement, it is hard, it feels like oppression all over again, working against the nazi's N who threatened our very life with" if you don't stay small and little then we will squish you until you are nothing!!"

I wish that I could no long attract women in my life who belittle me.

 Dear Lise
  I am realizing that I must drink in God's love for myself . Then , it will flow out from a filled vessel.God does not want ANYONE to hurt or belittle us just as a good parent does not want her kids belittled. With an NM, they do ! My paradigm was getting belittled and so  I feel comfortable with it.
 I  try to see myself as God sees me. He loves me cuz I am--just cuz I exist!     
 
 

[BonesMS]

Thank you (((((Bonesie)))))))   
I realize from my studying dissociation that one  part is a fragmented self.  My self feels like jello trying to get hard.
 The NM assaults your self so badly that you splinter just to survive with that monster.
  I realize now that the person I have to fall in love  with is not a man but me.
  You know how we treat a man we like so well, so respectfully,with so much care. I need to do that to myself. That would be what having a self would feel like! Thanks for your friendship, Bones !        xxxoo  Ami

You're welcome, (((Ami))))

Bones

[Ami]

I reckon I knew things were changing when i realised I didn't give a hoot about what people thought about my house. Now i don't much care about what other people think about me. If it gets much worse, I'll have to take up a religion simply to give me some rules to live by. I mean, this is getting bad.

Well. Portia, you have come a long way with codependency. I am working on getting there, too. I hope I live long enough!
                                                     xxoo Ami

[Gabben]

"we must LOSE our lives in order to gain them"

yeah. My wish is to not be belittled in life. But I am realizing that NM belittled me so much as a child, in all the various ways that N's squish us, that at some point in my upbringing I started to just belittle myself, conformed, got in step with my mom, out of step with Christ...walking in the yoke of an N rather than walking in truth.

So I am working to heal the guilt and fear that one fells when they are giving up belittlement, it is hard, it feels like oppression all over again, working against the nazi's N who threatened our very life with" if you don't stay small and little then we will squish you until you are nothing!!"

I wish that I could no long attract women in my life who belittle me.

 Dear Lise
  I am realizing that I must drink in God's love for myself . Then , it will flow out from a filled vessel.God does not want ANYONE to hurt or belittle us just as a good parent does not want her kids belittled. With an NM, they do ! My paradigm was getting belittled and so  I feel comfortable with it.
 I  try to see myself as God sees me. He loves me cuz I am--just cuz I exist!     
 
 

Hi Ami,

Thanks for this good reminder, so true, I must drink in deeply just even His presence. These days I am neglecting my time spent with God in chapel, just sitting quietly and drinking in His peace and love. If I can get myself through the next couple of hour of excruciating pain, the pain once againg of belittlement and oppression, then I will get myself to a chapel where the Eucharist is always exposed, therefore, I can be in HIS LOVING presence, where I am never small because God love for me is TOO big.

Thank you for that.

I wish right now that I did not feel so much shame at what feels like a NM introjection telling me that I should be ashamed for my childhood of wounds and that my feelings are not valid, that it is all in my head, that I am bad, etc. The same introjections as always but just another layer, a smaller layer at the bottom of my core that still speaks of shame and belittlement creating a wish back with a force of child that wants to undo all that was done, magical thinking...etc. bleh.

Is it OK that I write about this here? More memories stored in my body and soul are coming up for me, it is back to the cross of affliction, the purifying stuff to heal these layers, messy stuff.

Lise

[swimmer]

I see someone who is very warm, smart, honest and highly intuitive in your posts Ami. 

[Ami]

"we must LOSE our lives in order to gain them"

yeah. My wish is to not be belittled in life. But I am realizing that NM belittled me so much as a child, in all the various ways that N's squish us, that at some point in my upbringing I started to just belittle myself, conformed, got in step with my mom, out of step with Christ...walking in the yoke of an N rather than walking in truth.

So I am working to heal the guilt and fear that one fells when they are giving up belittlement, it is hard, it feels like oppression all over again, working against the nazi's N who threatened our very life with" if you don't stay small and little then we will squish you until you are nothing!!"

I wish that I could no long attract women in my life who belittle me.

 Dear Lise
  I am realizing that I must drink in God's love for myself . Then , it will flow out from a filled vessel.God does not want ANYONE to hurt or belittle us just as a good parent does not want her kids belittled. With an NM, they do ! My paradigm was getting belittled and so  I feel comfortable with it.
 I  try to see myself as God sees me. He loves me cuz I am--just cuz I exist!     
 
 

Hi Ami,

Thanks for this good reminder, so true, I must drink in deeply just even His presence. These days I am neglecting my time spent with God in chapel, just sitting quietly and drinking in His peace and love. If I can get myself through the next couple of hour of excruciating pain, the pain once againg of belittlement and oppression, then I will get myself to a chapel where the Eucharist is always exposed, therefore, I can be in HIS LOVING presence, where I am never small because God love for me is TOO big.

Thank you for that.

I wish right now that I did not feel so much shame at what feels like a NM introjection telling me that I should be ashamed for my childhood of wounds and that my feelings are not valid, that it is all in my head, that I am bad, etc. The same introjections as always but just another layer, a smaller layer at the bottom of my core that still speaks of shame and belittlement creating a wish back with a force of child that wants to undo all that was done, magical thinking...etc. bleh.

Is it OK that I write about this here? More memories stored in my body and soul are coming up for me, it is back to the cross of affliction, the purifying stuff to heal these layers, messy stuff.

Lise

It is SO OK that you write about it here. *I* for one want to hear all of it and I know many others do, too .     xxoo  Ami