I'm slowly coming to many realizations after reading all your wonderful posts since September. I discovered that month that NM was an N. I've been watching her and thinking about me. My DH talks about his childhood in such happy terms, happy memories. If I remember my childhood at all it is with a great sadness. I always thought it was normal to be sad about your childhood, but then I think about my son's childhood. Those memories of him growing up make me very happy; they make me feel good.
NF sent me a calendar with family photos on it for Christmas. I looked through it once and there is no way I am going to hang it up. Every picture brought back sad/bad memories.and/or feelings. Except the front cover which is a photo of my Grandmother's house. That gives me a warm feeling, but the photos inside--nope. Almost all photos taken by NP's are of the family lined up in a row, maybe one a year. There very few pictures of when we were kids. No baby pictures.
I was reading a magazine at the dentist's office yesterday and it showed ideas of things parents can do with their kids, encourage their playing, their imaginations, do things with them. The ONLY thing I remember doing with parents is playing board games. We never did anything creative or playful. No art was encouraged. Nothing creative. NP's did praise us for good school work, so of course, I was good in school. That's the only praise. There are so many ways they weren't there for me. I'm very sad on all that I lost out.
Regarding NM, I am starting to see all the ways she made herself feel good through me or at my expense. She always invalidates my feelings. I told her that I can't sing (anyone can tell you that--can't hold a tune, not even happy birthday), she took my head in her hands and said "Don't ever say that, of course you can sing." That was a really weird moment. Now I understand that what I said was a put-down of HER. I understand now why my feelings are "wrong". Why my not liking plays or musicals is "wrong." She said, "Where did I go wrong?" when I said that I didn't like live shows. My opinion was wrong. Anytime my opinions were not the same as NP's they were wrong. That's probably why I don't have or at least voice my opinions, I don't know what other people think the correct opinion is. My feelings aren't valid.
I am also very hypercritical of people, but at the same time I know this and that it is my mother's opinions coming through me, so I don't say anything to people or let them know the critical things I am thinking in any way. It's like I have two brains: That idiot is screwing things up; no he's not, he's just doing it differently than the way you would do them, but it will still work. I am extremely aware of my prejudices. I have them, but do not act on them as far as I can tell.
I feel bad for NM; I know she is unhappy and very fragile, but so am I. It is my LIFE now that I need to be lliving, not hers.
Total proof of her lack of empathy: One of her very old dogs died this week. It had been very ill with heart worms and suffering tremendously. Did she try to ease its suffering or put it to sleep. Did she spend time with it? No she kept it in the backyard, never played with it, never took care of it other than food and water. So she called my hysterically crying that her 11 year old dog died. She wasn't crying for the dog; she was crying for attention. My cat was dying from kidney failure this summer; we had to put her to sleep; she was suffering too much. I shed a couple of tears and was sad. I do miss her 16 year old sweet self. But I didn't start bawling for attention.
I'm noticing my adult memories good or bad I think back with pleasant thoughts. Some are of sad moments, but I also remember happy times. I remember fond memories of my cat for instance. But thinking back to before college, it's sad, it's feelings of loss, unhappiness, sadness, longing for a childhood I didn't have. Sorry about the rambling, just needed to write. Thanks for listening.
