post- depression era parents

[Carrie Anne]

I am the product of N parents.  I have been doing alittle research concerning the differences between depression era parents and todays baby boomer parents.  What has been suggested is that our parents(of we baby boomers)  were raised in such difficult times that when the depression and world war ended, they were ready to be selfish and self serving, since they had been through so much hardship in their young lives.  The material suggested that they allowed themselves to indulge in themselves for a change and that matters such as their children were not the biggest and sole priority for them during their healing times.  This would be people who became parents in the 40s, 50's and 60's.  Also, these parents felt that success for their children meant the children getting out of the house and becoming financially independent ASAP!  The primary concern was, by no means, the emotional happiness for the child but self sufficiency by the child with minimal sacrifice from the parents toward that end.  It was a societal concensus at the time, evidently.  Today, baby boomers feel that nurturing the emotional health and happiness of their children is of great importance as well as being very *hands on* in helping children prepare for success in the working world.  Baby boomers simply care more about sacrificing for the well being of their children at all levels.
My parents certainly fit the post depression demographic since us kids were strongly *encouraged* to get out of the house at 18, get a job and make them proud!  College was something they had not grasped the importance of and if one of their kids wanted to go, the kid had to find a way to pay for it themselves.  I'm wondering if that generation was the beginning of a rash of narcissism that we see today in these now elderly parents.

Any thoughts?

[kat]

As a daughter of post -depression era parents I have a few thoughts.  My nparents preached - you live in our house, you live under our rules.  As kids, we left as soon as we could.

But here's the irony, although we're financially independent, they want us back in their house.  Maybe it's a control thing. . . get back into our house and live under our rules.

I always felt as kids, we were showpieces to the rest of the world on how good they did at parenting.  Behind closed doors, life was totally different.

[Discounted Girl]

I too have read this theory, but I think it applies more to the WWII generation's views on financial matters than to love for their children. It requires no sacrifice to love your child -- it is a natural and automatic response. It's those who LIVE in reverse that are EVIL -- maybe some think that is too strong a term and there are threads on that issue. But, if people who started their families in the 40's and 50's may tend toward narcissism, what about the happy and all-American families of the 50's? What about the mom and pop businesses and the Norman Rockwell small towns -- I don't think those were hypes. I think it's a non-deserved explainable reason for Nparents. There are probably just as many today, but it takes a long time for the ACON to realize that's who they are.

[tigerlily]

I read something somewhere about this that certainly would apply to my Nmother.  It said that the narcissism could have occurred with people of that era because of their background.  Their parents may have come from Europe, been struggling so hard with finances, many children, and the depression, which meant that there was very little time or inclination to nurture the little ones.  As a result, the older girls were left to take care of the smaller children and probably resented it, eventually becoming competitive with the younger girls, which was not a good start.  As a result, the girls, like my mother and her older sister (who practically raised her and whom she fought with for years ) grew up thinking they could not turn to or trust anyone to help them get their emotional needs met except themselves.  So they turned inwards to themselves, making themselves the center of their universe as a protection against the world.  They built themselves into what they wanted other people to see, but, with no base under all that, they were really empty shells. And if anyone tried to challenge that, they took it as a direct threat to their very souls.  My mother could never take the slightest amount of criticism.  She would either get extremely defensive or fall apart.  And, of course, any nurturing to their own children was out of the question- they viewed everyone , including their children as competition for any attention being diverted from themselves.  I wish I could explain it better, but it sure makes sense to me in trying to understand where my mother was coming from.

[bunny]

My parents grew up during the Depression and they didn't end up wanting to spoil themselves. They are still thrifty and have the same values as when they grew up. They paid for our college educations but on graduation day, it was adios to any financial help. Which is legitimate but I wasn't prepared for adulthood, plus they didn't warn me. I was expected to "know" they wouldn't support me at all anymore. Of course, they still wanted to be in control of my life. As far as they were concerned, I still lived at home under their rules -- although I didn't live there.

bunny

[Ellie]

I have heard this theory also and can say I could have written every post here. We all lived the same cruel existence!

But what about my friends that grew up the same time I did with parents the age of my parents who are loving, kind, supportive, happy....?

I think the ones who are Ns today are the ones who looked for a scapegoat in their early years. They were pre-disposed to be self-serving, selfish, etc. and the times and hardships gave them the perfect excuse to behave the way they did!

When I was younger I used to ask Nmom why she was so stand-offish, not huggy, lovey, hands-on type and she said it wasn't her fault. She said as mothers in her time they were all told to act as Dr. Spock told them to mother their young. I asked what that meant and she said he preached that too much loving and hugging and caring would produce a spoiled child. She said he was the one who told her (thru his book) that she was not to pick me up when I cried, hold me tight, or supply my emotional needs. All she was supposed to do was feed and diaper. Then I would be a mature self-sufficient adult! Yep - that I am - and paying out the rear in THERAPY bills!  

His books are still in print today, and I can tell you, NO ONE has told me to be this kind of mother except my own Nmother!

Plus, if you truely love someone, especially your baby, you would do what feels right to you, no matter what someone tells you to do.

My Nparents certainly use every excuse for the way they are - they blame everyone but themselves. They are perfect - it's the rest of the world that's screwed up.

They have their own universe. May they die in their own universe..

Oops - getting a little carried away - just got finished with emails to my child's school. After emailing 5 different people, I got a response and appology for the treatment of my child! But this only came after I emailed the Superintendent and school board! Thank you all for your suggestions on my postings! It worked!!!!! He's switching classrooms, but only after we meet with the involved staff. AND, he can take his choice of food to school again  

[mighty mouse]

I started a thread about depression era parents about 4 months ago and didn't get much in the way of a response. I'm glad someone started this again (I've been away for a while and am now just catching up). Does someone have a site they can post for more info.? I'd like to read more as I've always suspected that my parents were very influenced by the depression. My mother seems to think she's superior (and of course there's that book about the "greatest generation"), because she lived through the depression.

What do you all think about this "greatest generation" business? I personally think it's pretty bogus, but would like to hear some opinions.

MM

[Kiba Jin]

What has been suggested is that our parents(of we baby boomers)  were raised in such difficult times that when the depression and world war ended, they were ready to be selfish and self serving, since they had been through so much hardship in their young lives.

For me, this would be my grandparents' generation.

The material suggested that they allowed themselves to indulge in themselves for a change and that matters such as their children were not the biggest and sole priority for them during their healing times.  This would be people who became parents in the 40s, 50's and 60's.

Yes this is how my mother would classify her mother and I've concured.

Also, these parents felt that success for their children meant the children getting out of the house and becoming financially independent ASAP!  The primary concern was, by no means, the emotional happiness for the child but self sufficiency by the child with minimal sacrifice from the parents toward that end.  It was a societal concensus at the time, evidently.

This is where the laws of the space-time continum start breaking down for me.  My parents *baby boomers* might have been raised with some version of it, but this has been their banshee cry at me and my sibs for some time now....trouble is, they never even figured out the financial independence thing and sure haven't done any decent job of teaching us.    Might as well go tell me to build a rocket and here are some toothpicks and a squirrel....it makes that much sense to me.

Since I was a preteen, maybe earlier, I have felt myself to be a useless burden to them. Then when I went to college it intensified because they thought I should live with them, go to college and not work. Stupid me, I bought into this weird line of thinking, much to my detriment.  Now they don't make to much  an  attempt to disguise how they see me -- a burden draining their precious resources.  I 'failed' at college and am useless I guess.   -- well no I'm not! I'm a human being too and have the same right to respect that they demand from me and my sibs.

 

Today, baby boomers feel that nurturing the emotional health and happiness of their children is of great importance as well as being very *hands on* in helping children prepare for success in the working world.  Baby boomers simply care more about sacrificing for the well being of their children at all levels.

And this is where I cry. My baby boomer parents didn't do this. They just passed along their family's abuses and added their own embellishments.  It's so weird; I've often feel now that my mother used me all these years to re-enact her own sad  life -- like I was a puppet to retell a story....creeps me out.

My parents certainly fit the post depression demographic since us kids were strongly *encouraged* to get out of the house at 18, get a job and make them proud!  College was something they had not grasped the importance of and if one of their kids wanted to go, the kid had to find a way to pay for it themselves.  I'm wondering if that generation was the beginning of a rash of narcissism that we see today in these now elderly parents.

Any thoughts?

My parents (they're babyboomers) harked and screeched about college to no end, telling us how they couldn't 'hack' it and that we had to go or else and that we had to go local so we could live with them as they couldn't afford anything else.  Yet one also heavily pushed dropping out of high school (as she had) to all of us. Neither encouraged anybody in high school or college to apply for scholarships; all we heard was that the counselors didn't know anything, would cheat us, etc. We were not supposed to talk to them. We were not encouraged to get involved in extracuricular or community activities and even when we tried, there was literally no support -- no asking about projects, no giving rides to and from.  Heck, Nmom made sibs feel like dirt for asking for a ride -- like how dare they do this; they must have joined just to screw up her day. My sibs felt like scumbags because they'd have to bum rides of friends or friends' parents. Nmom was physically available to play taxi, but emotionally ??? Finally they just quit going. Dunno, is xenophobia a trait of Npeople?

I did what Nmom wanted me to do and dropped out of high school, but have gone on to some college where I fullfilled their expectations that I wouldn't be able to 'hack it' either.  Well, it turns out that if parents are going to manipulate child's thinking and declare what is and is not an acceptable university and major to them, then of course I was gonna fail. Geez, I remember being seven and knowing exactly what University I wanted to go to and what I was gonna study and Nmom said I couldn't because she'd die if I left her; I had to stay with her, she couldn't live without me. Talk about crushing a little girl's dreams and laying on some self-imposed guilt on my part. I felt horrible for 'doing' that to her for years.  I was supposed to be some kind of trophy piece -- a doctor sort. Anything less than that was no good.

 Going to college has been trial and error for me as my parents are useless on it.  At last, I'm getting a clearer idea on what I want to do there as well as recognizing where my gifts and talents are.  

Interesting information Carrie Ann; I am able to see in my own family that this is a multi-generational issue and had wondered about the depression era when my grandparents grew up.  Though I think it goes back further as my Ngranny had an abusive upbringing....so hmmm.

peaceful days,
KJ