Over the years of suffering the pains of verbal abuse from my NM, I have found that she cannot see that part of herself. She is blind to her verbal assaults, was and still is to a degree.
There is an intense shame that N's feel towards acknowledging verbal abuse, any abuse. I know that shame I have been a self abuser but I have never been a verbal abuser accept in the privacy of my own home, when, in old FOO pain, never to anyones face. When in my old wounds I can feel what feels like a stabbing rage, a desire to shout back mean things, not even recognizing that if and when I shout back mean things to others or about others that I would be verbally abusing them, seeking to really harm them, a form of revenge against perceived insults. Seeing my behavior for exactly what it is even if I have never said mean things to others faces can stir intense shame for me which helps me to understand my NM better.
My mother's rage is still split off from her awareness due to her shame, the feelings of inferiority that seek to overcome themselves through the feelings of superiority of verbal abuse, unbelievably. She cannot own that part of herself that says mean and vicious things to us. If she could then she would not still do it. Who would, unless feeling the powerlessness of victimization in total awareness and only aware because of the understanding and compassion that others would not flee in disgrace if we or they would only just own the rage, the driving force of verbal abuse.
Understanding why my mom cannot own her hurt to me in her verbal abuse has helped free me to stop seeking her apology for the hurts of her verbal abuse. To understand rather than be understood.
