Incest

[bearwithme]

Okay, I'm back to laughing again just thinking of Ami's B peeing on NM's pillow......

 

[nolongeraslave]

Did any of your NM's present themselves as "pure and pious" on the outside? Did they judge other sexual women?

I remember writing on nevergoodenough.com how my mom and step-dad were looking at playboy.  I was 9, and walked in. They said, "We're looking at playboy." They didn't feel ashamed or anything!  They used to say, "We're adults. We can do whatever we want." But,still..why would you advertise looking at playboy to your 9 year old girl? I would feel embarrassed!

I remember my step-dad walking around naked in his room and not caring.  I remember once he just stroked his penis looking at me. I was only 9 again.   How pathetic is that a child has to tell her own parent to have some shame and put some clothes on?

There were always little red flags before things blown up into severe sexual abuse, but as a kid..The easiest thing is to look away.   On the outside, my parents bragged about how they had better morals than everyone else. The minute I acted remotely sexual (which I learned from them), my NM would shame me saying "Nobody likes you! You ruined your reputation! It's all your fault!"

[ann3]

Ami & everyone posting here,

I applaud each of you for looking at & facing this stuff.  It's so hard to face it.  It's the road less traveled & it takes guts, courage & integrity to do it.  Although it's painful, I hope we all can celebrate our inner strength which enables us to look at the truth, no matter how painful.

love to you all,
ann

[Ami]

Okay, I'm back to laughing again just thinking of Ami's B peeing on NM's pillow......

 

 I was afraid to write that I was laughing cuz I thought you would get insulted BUT I see you are a girl after my own heart!
 ((Bear))) --You tell an NM story like NO ONE else.  x o x o  Amo

[Ami]

Did any of your NM's present themselves as "pure and pious" on the outside? Did they judge other sexual women?

I remember writing on nevergoodenough.com how my mom and step-dad were looking at playboy.  I was 9, and walked in. They said, "We're looking at playboy." They didn't feel ashamed or anything!  They used to say, "We're adults. We can do whatever we want." But,still..why would you advertise looking at playboy to your 9 year old girl? I would feel embarrassed!

I remember my step-dad walking around naked in his room and not caring.  I remember once he just stroked his penis looking at me. I was only 9 again.   How pathetic is that a child has to tell her own parent to have some shame and put some clothes on?

There were always little red flags before things blown up into severe sexual abuse, but as a kid..The easiest thing is to look away.   On the outside, my parents bragged about how they had better morals than everyone else. The minute I acted remotely sexual (which I learned from them), my NM would shame me saying "Nobody likes you! You ruined your reputation! It's all your fault!"

You know ((((NLAS))))

 The mind messing with you is the worst! It is so deeply crazy making. It is so hard to see. We lived in a house of lies, an ocean of distortions and deceptions.
 It is so hard to unravel and so hard not to blame yourself. That is what they wanted --to blame the victim!    x o x o  Ami

[Ami]

Ami & everyone posting here,

I applaud each of you for looking at & facing this stuff.  It's so hard to face it.  It's the road less traveled & it takes guts, courage & integrity to do it.  Although it's painful, I hope we all can celebrate our inner strength which enables us to look at the truth, no matter how painful.

love to you all,
ann

Thank you (((Ann)))
 It was so hard to write those things and I am amazed, surprised and overwhelmed that so many people  shared. I feel like a soul sister with everyone in a deeper way !    x o x   Ami

[Ami]

I caught NM having sex when I was 8. She was moaning from her room and I called her and she didn't come. I went outside her room and opened the door and found her on top of a guy.
Then she was dating a basketball player and I had to see them naked all the time.
Now what I am about to write is really gross: a time that wasnt living with her, I visited, she got up naked and boiled me some chocolate milk that was probably passed its due date. She gave me the milk, stark naked, and the milk stunk. I looked at her and somehow I have associated that pungent smell, with the smell of her vagina.
She used to tell me sex details as well - once about two guys who wanted to gang-bang her and another when she taped herself having sex with her second husband because she said she wanted to show him that he wasnt taking her pleasure seriously. I bet she would have shown me the tape, should I have asked! (sorry to make fun of this).
We had a lot of sexual weird things in the family, including my father trying to kiss me and fill me up once he was drunk (I was a stranger anyway to him, this was the second time he saw me), my uncle when he was 13 and I was 4, wanting to have a 'feel' of the female anatomy with his finger.
I am sorry again to be writing these stuff so bluntly.
Ironically it's the time she shaved my head that feels more traumatic than the nudity and sexual abuse.
Gee it feels good to write these things! Thanks for letting me share.

Pxxx

Dear ((P)))
  I am so sorry I did not see your post. Bear's description of her M made me laugh hysterically and I did not see your poignant post.
  Yes , it is a wonder ANY of us are still living with THAT kind of abuse.
  May you find a way to exorcise her from your mind as we have to do as D's of Serpent.
  (My B made up the name Serpent for our Mother)    x o x   Ami

[Nonameanymore]

That's ok Ami, to be honest I am glad there weren't any intense reactions because I felt self-conscious after I had written them but didn't really wanted to delete them, since they are now out and I feel lighter and relieved.

Bear, yes, my sentiments exactly!

P xxx

[Ami]

You know, abuse just makes you feel bad and horrible --to the core. People who do not have abuse just do not GET it.  Ami

[Gabben]

You know, abuse just makes you feel bad and horrible --to the core. People who do not have abuse just do not GET it.  Ami

That bad and horrible has a life of it's own, your words to me, Ami, recall?  Words which helped me this week providing some insight into the bad feelings that we feel, because we were abused, neglected and or very mistreated as small and defenseless children.

I'm  having break through left and right, silent walls of fear and protective hatred are coming down as I can see another layer of belief in my badness coming out.

Does that make sense?

[river]

Ami, I'd like to ask for your help, and for that matter anyone here who canl  I realize this is a little out of tune with the general flow here.   
You said: 

  I think I lost my life force then. I think my body wanted to die and the part that keeps you alive warred with it so I am still here but I gave up at a very deep level.
   

I  have been told by others of similar expereinces.  And a few years ago I also had a similar experience.   I'd like to ask you some more to compare to see if these expereinces are the same, and to see if they are like others have described to me.   I have called it a 'soul crash'.   When it happened to me, it was very instant.  Like, as soon as I realised it had happened, I just knew something had happened to me that was serious and permanent and had never happened before.  It was as if some strucure that was natually part of me had always been there had collapsed.  Like my spirit self had died.  I still wish and long for that part to be revived. 
Id appreciate if  people dont  say 'sorry ...... happened' (for me that sort of undoes the point of sharing).  I'd like to see if your experience of what happend can throw any light on this. 
Theres someone I'm in contact with now, this is a young person, and from what they describes it sounds similar. 
I hope you'r ok with me asking.   

[Ami]

Dear((( River))))
 I am available to help in any way  and welcome the opportunity. I realized I LOST my life force when I got it back. IOW, I want to live now and then I could see how I had not since I was a child.   x o x o  Ami

[river]

Thanks  Ami.  In that case I'm gonna ask you more, just to clarify, we could be talking about different experiences.   
I understand that now you want to live whereas before you did not, thats a huge difference in itself. 
Do you think that getting into, getting out of, and surviving the abusive marriage was in some way a way of touching base again with those elements and being able to restore yourself from there, because this time you were able to do something different, as the Jung quote says, 'the hidden order withing disorder'? Like, symbolically, you restored light into the dark place??   
((((((thanks for sharing all this))))))
r

,,............ it is the bottom I could never touch.
 
............... but I gave up at a very deep level.
 . I have felt I should be thrown away all my life. That is why I got in and stayed in an abusive marriage.
 

[Ami]

Thanks  Ami.  In that case I'm gonna ask you more, just to clarify, we could be talking about different experiences.   
I understand that now you want to live whereas before you did not, thats a huge difference in itself. 
Do you think that getting into, getting out of, and surviving the abusive marriage was in some way a way of touching base again with those elements and being able to restore yourself from there, because this time you were able to do something different, as the Jung quote says, 'the hidden order withing disorder'? Like, symbolically, you restored light into the dark place??   
((((((thanks for sharing all this))))))
r

,,............ it is the bottom I could never touch.
 
............... but I gave up at a very deep level.
 . I have felt I should be thrown away all my life. That is why I got in and stayed in an abusive marriage.
 

You are a girl after my own heart ((((River))). We could groove out on Carl  Jung together.
Well, I am STILL in the abusive marriage.
 I can't feel my feelings. I can't feel out what to do about my marriage and my life so I am waiting .
 I just got back the will to live .Now, I want to connect to myself. That connection is still NOT there.I feel less numb is what I am staying but I am still numb.
 When I get more real , then I will make more definite steps in my marriage and 3D life.    x o x o  Ami

[river]

......... I was thinking about this, had to get back.   Before responding to your last thing you said - and I wan to- just to skip back to the original ~~~ hope thats ok,
in that scenario, your mum was blatently degrading herself, but the look in her face, and the intention inside her was to put that degredation, the shaming/ and annihilation onto you.  So, as a child, you couldnt help but take that in.  Because as children we are open to absorb the good intent from our adults to absorb inside us the 'get up and to message', ....as in 'go live, love, and fulful your real abilities'
 An N. disowns theier own shame and projects it onto, or rather INTO the target person/s.   And that is what we absorb, and have to play out, or to get out of us, or to heal.   We've absorbed toxins, rather than the good internal message.   So we have to detox, (and along with that, help detox the world ~ but thats another story, just sometingt I belive to be true. )
This is the priniple.  When you elevate, or extract the essence, the prinicple, a whole lot of thngs connect.  The same thing happened to me, but in a way you'd never recognise as the same.   When an important adult in life, and I was very small, well in fact, this was a aupere, (my father privided the money, whilst my mother ..... and etc ) ............ this aupere said something humilating to me and I took it in, sexualised it.  I remember the experience as clearly knowing this person's intent is to humiliate me, and I have no defence against this.  So somehow my pschyche took it in and processed it by taking it to my sexuality.   And it, the S+L thing in later life that brought me to my knees, and into recovery for addiction to this destructive, addictive abusive relationship. (the sex and love addiction recovery fellowships).    And eventually to learn about the disorders, starting with N. ism.  (via Sam Vaknin).

Theres so much to say huh? ...... look forward to get back.  Must ban myself for now  !   got to go do all the stuff I should have done.... eek!  : )