Incest

[Ami]

I don't know how much lower can go than incest with your own Mother but I realize that is where I have been. it is the bottom I could never touch.
 When I had the repressed memory of my M masturbating in front of me--laughing at me--my child's brain  said "I want to die.I want to die"
 I think I lost my life force then. I think my body wanted to die and the part that keeps you alive warred with it so I am still here but I gave up at a very deep level.
 When your own mother does this to you--you don't think you deserve to live ,breathe , eat etc. You think you sould be thrown away. I have felt I should be thrown away all my life. That is why I got in and stayed in an abusive marriage.
 I can't believe the word--incest, incest.
I can't believe it is me.

[Ami]

I am embarrassed to write this. I hate to write this but  it is what happened.

[BonesMS]

I am embarrassed to write this. I hate to write this but  it is what happened.

((((((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))))))))

The NWomb-Donors are just so TWISTED and EVIL!!!!

I have reason to suspect that what the NWomb-Donor did to me AND my NGCB was a form of incest, even if it was covert.  It was still sexual abuse!

Bones

[Ami]

Thanks (((((Bonesie)))))
I thought you would understand!!!      x o x o   Ami

[Gabben]

"you don't think you deserve to live ,breathe , eat etc. You think you sould be thrown away"

This I know all too well. ((((AMI))))

The pain hurts, just hurts, right? I wish I could be there to just be with you as you feel, re-experience what happened to you that was never supposed to happen to any precious child.

I felt anger at you mom for her behavior, I felt outrage, as I read the above of the violation of your dignity and value system, belief system, the long term damage that you suffered because of her behavior.

I am sorry, I wish I could be there to see just how precious you were and still are so that you can see how precious you were and still are.

[Ami]

"you don't think you deserve to live ,breathe , eat etc. You think you sould be thrown away"

This I know all too well. ((((AMI))))

The pain hurts, just hurts, right? I wish I could be there to just be with you as you feel, re-experience what happened to you that was never supposed to happen to any precious child.

I felt anger at you mom for her behavior, I felt outrage, as I read the above of the violation of your dignity and value system, belief system, the long term damage that you suffered because of her behavior.

I am sorry, I wish I could be there to see just how precious you were and still are so that you can see how precious you were and still are.

I love you (((Lise))).
I wanted to come back and erase the thread cuz I didn't want to be up there with incest next to my name like a big ,ugly black blob that people would say "Ick" and run away.
I still want to erase it but I must leave it cuz it is me along with all the other parts. Many parts are good. I can see that, too,after I face the bad head on.I have parts of myself that I like.
I think I have come to the bottom of my denial.I hope so . Thank you for being my true friend ,Lise, from the beginning until now.    x o x o   Ami

[Ami]

I saw from my singing lessons that I hold my body tight--armored--not to get hurt--not to be violated in any way. I hold myself against other's criticisms, anger , dislike.
 I hold myself tight so no one can penetrate and catch me unarmed.
     

[debkor]

I am sorry Ami. You should have not ever had to live that way.  Your voice is setting you free.  You did nothing and have nothing to be embarrassed about.  You were violated by the person that should have protected you. 

This was her secret....it's not yours!   She is very, very, very, sick Ami.  You are not. 

She disgust me.

Love
Deb

[Gabben]

I saw from my singing lessons that I hold my body tight--armored--not to get hurt--not to be violated in any way. I hold myself against other's criticisms, anger , dislike.
 I hold myself tight so no one can penetrate and catch me unarmed.
     

As I was sitting in Adoration today I noticed how I hold my body too, it was tight as if tight is the only normal way for me to be, so afraid and tight was my body, as I sat there in a most safe and sacred place that it seemed God illuminated for me what the tightness was about -- rage.

Buried rage at the injustice of what happened that was not supposed to have happened to us when we were just seeking love, when it was OK to just be seeking love, but instead your mom and my mom violated us and then made us feel ashamed for our natural feelings of rage and outrage and anger at their very hurtful behavior towards us. They pointed the finger back at us, as if to say that WE were the WRONG ones, but THEY were.

The tightness that I carry comes from anxiety of having rage, a very unsafe emotion for me to carry in my body as my rage or hurt or anger at my mom's behavior was NOT OK, I was bad for even having negative feelings towards her.

Does this make sense? I write this as my experience on YOUR thread to share hopefully that you are not alone, and that you are not going through your memories alone, in pain, as we sometimes have to. I know you know this.

Love you.

[Ami]

I saw from my singing lessons that I hold my body tight--armored--not to get hurt--not to be violated in any way. I hold myself against other's criticisms, anger , dislike.
 I hold myself tight so no one can penetrate and catch me unarmed.
     

As I was sitting in Adoration today I noticed how I hold my body too, it was tight as if tight is the only normal way for me to be, so afraid and tight was my body, as I sat there in a most safe and sacred place that it seemed God illuminated for me what the tightness was about -- rage.

Buried rage at the injustice of what happened that was not supposed to have happened to us when we were just seeking love, when it was OK to just be seeking love, but instead your mom and my mom violated us and then made us feel ashamed for our natural feelings of rage and outrage and anger at their very hurtful behavior towards us. They pointed the finger back at us, as if to say that WE were the WRONG ones, but THEY were.

The tightness that I carry comes from anxiety of having rage, a very unsafe emotion for me to carry in my body as my rage or hurt or anger at my mom's behavior was NOT OK, I was bad for even having negative feelings towards her.

Does this make sense? I write this as my experience on YOUR thread to share hopefully that you are not alone, and that you are not going through your memories alone, in pain, as we sometimes have to. I know you know this.

Love you.

From the first day you came on the Board you have been bonded with me. It is a source of strength for me. Thank you and I love you!     x o x Ami

[Twoapenny]

Ames,

For me, saying it out loud, writing it down, putting it somewhere other than in my mind, was a huge step forward.  As hurtful, painful, difficult as it is to deal with, you can start to turn it into something tangible, something with a start point and a finish point, so it doesn't keep consuming you from the inside out.

You've been so incredibly brave to put this thread up, to write plainly about what happened, to air something that you've had to keep inside you for so many years.  I'm so glad you didn't delete it.  Other people will draw strength from what you've written, Ami, and will be here to support you and get you through the tough times.

Love you,

Twoapenny xxx

[Ami]

Ames,

For me, saying it out loud, writing it down, putting it somewhere other than in my mind, was a huge step forward.  As hurtful, painful, difficult as it is to deal with, you can start to turn it into something tangible, something with a start point and a finish point, so it doesn't keep consuming you from the inside out.

You've been so incredibly brave to put this thread up, to write plainly about what happened, to air something that you've had to keep inside you for so many years.  I'm so glad you didn't delete it.  Other people will draw strength from what you've written, Ami, and will be here to support you and get you through the tough times.

Love you,

Twoapenny xxx

Thank you(((Twoapenny))
 I feel better . I want to live for the first time in  along time. I feel more of a part of the human race. I told my deepest darkest secret and it is OK.
 The real problem was the denial. I could not FEEL the truth. I knew it in the head but not the heart so I could not break through the numbness of denial.
 I feel more real. Thanks so much for your sweet and supportive words!   x o x o Ami

[Ami]

I am sorry Ami. You should have not ever had to live that way.  Your voice is setting you free.  You did nothing and have nothing to be embarrassed about.  You were violated by the person that should have protected you. 

This was her secret....it's not yours!   She is very, very, very, sick Ami.  You are not. 

She disgust me.

Love
Deb

Thank you (((Deb))). I appreciate your post so very much.   x o x o  Ami

[bearwithme]

Ami:

I agree with everyone here!  Twoapenny said you are "brave."  You are.  But you are not incest and incest is not you.  This horrific event(s) perpetuated by your NM inflicted tremendous pain and irreversible damage, however, there are heroes that come from this sort of wreckage and you are one of them.  So don't be afraid to tell your story and for pete sake, don't feel embarrassed.  I think you are helping lives here because of your survival and tenacity for life and to share your story with others.  We appreciate you!!  Your NM should feel embarrassed and "want to die" instead of your inner child.

I'm so incredibly sorry you have to even type those words.  I wish I could take them away from you forever so you wouldn't have to look at them any more!

Love & hugs (((((()))))))))

Bear

[Ami]

Ami:

I agree with everyone here!  Twoapenny said you are "brave."  You are.  But you are not incest and incest is not you.  This horrific event(s) perpetuated by your NM inflicted tremendous pain and irreversible damage, however, there are heroes that come from this sort of wreckage and you are one of them.  So don't be afraid to tell your story and for pete sake, don't feel embarrassed.  I think you are helping lives here because of your survival and tenacity for life and to share your story with others.  We appreciate you!!  Your NM should feel embarrassed and "want to die" instead of your inner child.

I'm so incredibly sorry you have to even type those words.  I wish I could take them away from you forever so you wouldn't have to look at them any more!

Love & hugs (((((()))))))))

Bear

Love you (((Bear)))
I can feel what you are saying and I will put it in my heart!  x o x o   Ami