I think I understand...so why do I still feel so bad.

[Logy]

For the last 4-5 years, ever since I discovered narcissism, I have searched and read everything I could find about it.  I learned about my NM.  My enabling father.   His NM.  My Nbrother.  I've learned to set my boundaries with NM.  I've had the support of my sister.  I've seen counselors.  SO why do I still feel so bad?

Intellectually I get it.  I know I am not crazy.  I am learning to trust my perceptions, my opinions, my memories. 

Emotionally, I still feel just a mess!  I yearn for someone who gets all of this to just hold me tight.  Take away this pain.  Pain that I thought knowledge would dissolve.  How do I stop this pain in my soul?  Knowing why I feel so bad has not made me feel whole.  Where do I go from here?

Logy

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Knowing somebody was out of their mind when they slugged you does not keep a knot from rising up on your head. Knowing somebody did not give you the flu intentionally does not keep your fever down. And knowing that somebody is narcissistic does not keep you from hurting horribly because of their nastiness.

I think that everything we learn about narcissism EXPLAINS the behavior but it can in no way EXCUSE the behavior. We all have psychic wounds. And we all have choices. Learning about N helps you to see that it ISN'T YOU but that is not to say that you can ever be OK with THEM just because you understand N. They are destructive.

I believe there were reasons why Hitler turned out the way he did. But nothing nothing nothing can ever undo the mass destruction he left in his wake. Reasons why help us make sense of what happened to us. They do not help the pain.

I do however think that reasons why can help us make decisions about OUR behavior that will help the pain in the future. For example, this week I was having a pleasant conversation with my mother when she suddenly inserted a nasty and insulting comment. In years past, I knew that she was making me angry but couldn't pinpoint why (because she smiles and acts like she is being funny, and I swallowed her gaslighting attitude that I should not be hurt by such comments) ... and so I would blow up at her and then she would act all hurt and like she didn't understand what my problem was. Because of my understanding and clarity, I looked at her and said mildly, "Well, that wasn't a very nice thing to say." Which totally deflated her because it was talking to her like she is a child and mildly reprimanding her, and refusing to either act ugly myself (so that she could play the victim) or to ignore it (act like she wasn't trying to hurt me). She immediately started backpedaling, and it gave me some satisfaction.

I also think that understanding N helps us stay out of the booby traps, both in existing relationships and when we are making new ones.

But it doesn't help with the pain of what has already happened. I think processing ---- allowing ourselves to fully remember what happened to us, talking about it, journaling about it, creating works of art (music, collages, etc.), and making sense of it --- does help the pain. Processing helps us to put the N wounds into perspective inside the whole picture of our lives.

[Lucky]

Logy, I know precisely what you mean. I have been reading and reading and reading and trying to understand things (thinking and thinking) but my feelings and anxiety are still at times hard to handle.

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Logy,

I feel the same way, although I have only been reading for a couple of years...
I don't know how you can beat this, I also feel that the more you know, the hardest it feels to sort these things.
It feels as 'ok, I know,now what? Is there a button I can press and make things better?'

I guess you keep going, simultaneously accepting things as they were/are, and working on building a better life for you from now on...this is at least what I am trying to do.

I get exactly what you say, on an intellectual level you get things, but unfortunately and because everything's a process, you got to work things bit by bit until you assimilate them emotionally. In theory at least that's how it should be.

Good luck to us all!

P xxx

[Ami]

Dear ((((Logy))) and (((((P)))
 I think what you are talking about is Left Brain VS Right Brain healing.
 I asked the same questions over and over.
  I have  Masters Degree in Counseling on top of ALL the reading I have done and years and years of therapy. WHY didn't I feel better?
  The answer is that trauma is stored in the Right side of the brain in a wordless ,non intellectual place. It HAS to be re- experienced rather than understood intellectually in order to let it come OUT. When it comes out, you heal.

The hard part is how to get it out,of course.
You need to do a Right Brain way. Crying is one of the big ways. There is a book "Cure by Crying" where the author says all emotional illness can be cured by crying.
 Pain is locked inside and crying takes it out.
 Music allows healing of deep wounds, too. Playing music and learning to sing is very powerful cuz our trauma's can be released when we project our actual voice. Deep memories heal with deep crying as your voice comes out.However, you need a teacher who will let you sob and whom you trust enough to sob.I found this by accident and have healed a great deal from this.

However,to start at the  beginning, I would find someone who will be a crying buddy . You and she(he) allow each other to go over and over your traumas and cry and cry and cry
 Also, if there is a person who can love you WITH all your issues and allow you to be real about them and again--cry and cry and cry--you can heal.
 We were not mirrored so in turn do not SEE ourselves. Who are we? That is a big part of the depression. When someone sees us, we can see ourselves. Finding the right person is the hard part--very hard. I think God has to bring the people but we have to ask. God to supernaturally bring us those special people.

I am not making myself an authority. You, guys know HOW much I hurt. I talk about it all the time but I do  know that intellectual understanding will only take you so far.
  x o x o     Ami

[Lucky]

One problem, I am not able to cry. I somehow learned not to cry about my own suffering and sadness only an other person's.

[Ami]

One problem, I am not able to cry. I somehow learned not to cry about my own suffering and sadness only an other person's.

That makes perfect sense (((Logy)))

  x o x o Ami

[Lucky]

CB you say:
I began to make the effort to collect a bit of beauty--first in the area of food, because that is what both of those films dealt with.  Then my clothing got a bit brighter, my hairstyle softer.  I began to take more interest in the things around me that had nothing to do with the N's in my life.  I read books for pleasure instead of an explanation of my misery (I joined a book club that was discussing classics: the Scarlet Letter, Anna Karenina were both soothing and exhilarating).  I began to write.  I began to explore music styles that were new to me, to visit little restaurants with completely different flavors.  In short, I made a life for myself that was more than intellectual understanding but which engaged the whole of me. 
------------------------------

I have a lot of other things in my life, good things, nice things, time consuming things but still I can't stop the negativity from the past influencing me.

[Ami]

((((Lucky)))))

I know. The pain is really, really deep! I wish I were at the end and could throw life preservers  back but I am in the middle--but not at the very beginning.I was at the beginning when I came on the Board in such pain. I wrote over and over and over cuz I hurt so badly. I think I am better now but still not in touch with who I am yet . I think we lost our true selves cuz they fragmented from trauma. I think that is what you are saying,Lucky. You feel lost to yourself.            x o x o x Ami

[Logy]

Just putting my feelings out there and then reading everyone's responses - I gave a big sigh.  That sigh felt like pushing a small part of the pain out of me.  Knowing I am not alone with this feeling and hearing the experiences and wisdom helped alot.

Heart - you are right - understanding N's does prevent me from accumulating new pain.  And will help my daughter recognize it - I wish I understood at her age about this.  I have discussed my issues with my NM with her beginning in her teens.  And she has experienced her N-grandma's wrath on her but does a good job of confronting it and letting it roll of her back.

Ami - thanks for sharing your knowledge.  I think your comments about crying being therapeutic are so true.  One of my most therapeutic experiences was when I confronted NM about a comment she made (she denied it was hurtful) and then I asked her about a particular time in my life when I was an adolescent and was extremely depressed.  As I was telling her how I felt during that time I was sobbing.  She denied everything I felt during that period of my life., and I thought the two of us must have been living on different planets.  But being able to cry about it, especially to her, made me feel better.

CB - collecting the beauty!  Yes, I need to collect my own beauty.  For so many years, I defined beauty by what NM said it was.  I had my own definition of beauty buried deep.  So I need to let it rise and nurture it.

Lucky and P - we're not alone!

[swimmer]

Logy-  I totally understand this preplexing picture of knowlege of N's and intellectually understanding.  I have the ahah moments, is that why I feel so bad.... then I'll have this visceral reaction to something like a memory, and I feel worthless again.  Going NC with my NM stopped what I call my life's biggest downfall.... The distraction of destruction.  This does not eliminate my pain, but stops more bad memories from being formed.  My mind just gets overwhelmed with the type of aggression a narcissist beholds in EVERY intention.  I no have to deal with all the people who do understand this hard decision I made to go NC.  So.... life is messy:/. 

Swimmer 

[Logy]

Swimmer, my sister feels guilty about saying this but she feels that if NM were dead, she could live her life in peace.  I understand. 

Isn't it draining to deal with N's destruction?  You experience a moment of beauty in life.  N's destroy it with the judgement, the infantile display of emotion, the turning of your every experience into their drama.  Sis and I go out of our way to avoid sharing anything with NM.  "Everything is fine."  we tell her. "Nothing going on." we say.  Because we know if we spill any information about our life, it will become fodder for her to spew back to her church friends, her neighbors, our siblings, and will be dramatized with her own take on the situation.

I like your comment "the distraction of destruction".

Logy

[swimmer]

Yes Logy, I used to get so tired.... now I am NC so the memories drain me sometimes.  I figured out in college I could never share joy with my NM if I wanted to keep feeling joy. 

swimmer