Help! N Step-daughter to Visit

[Butterfly]

My N step-daughter will be visiting in about a month or so.  She is most assuredly a somatic narcissist.  She is emotionally manipulative and abusive and all the sneaky, bad N things.  She's abused me in the past and my husband (her father) continually, and now I fear the abuse will touch my kids.  

I feel as if my N mother is coming to visit.  I have been NC with NM for two years now.  I have been getting the help I need to move on with my life and I am learning how to have good relationships, etc.  But, now this upcoming visit from psycho stepdaughter has me frightened.  I don't know exactly why.  But part of it is - what if my husband does not recognize the abuse and does not back me up if I need to disengage myself and my kids from her.  He has basically been passive in the past when she heaps on the abuse and does not believe she is as bad as I know she is.  

I know I should put into practice all the N armour - such as making sure I am not alone with her, making sure I have a get away plan, giving her the medium chill treatment, etc.  But, I am sure my husband will end up blaming me if I have to actually use these defensive maneuvers.  He would rather preserve a fake, saccharin relationship with his N daughter than act in an assertive manner and tell her to stop.  

Anything you all can think of would surely be appreciated.  My children are very young and impressionable, and my foremost concern is protecting them from her extremely insidious denigrations.  My gut tells me to get out of Dodge.  But hubby wants his daughter to see her step-siblings, etc.  blah blah blah

It is so easy sometimes to see clearly what others are going through, but when it is about me, I have a hard time getting my mind past the emotion so as to be logical and helpful to myself.

Thanks,
Butterfly

[teartracks]

Butterfly,

Wish I were full of helpful hints, but I only have one that might or might not be worth your consideration.  What if you engaged a couple of your girlfriends to come over while she is there, first to witness her behavior and second to help you preempt or at least redirect her efforts to abuse when it starts.  Maybe the girlfriends and you could even gather up the young ones when it starts and leave the house for a spell.

If your children are 6 or older, it might be good to explain in the simplest terms that step-daughter acts out sometimes in hateful, unloving ways and that her behavior is  not because of them or about them. 

tt

[Hopalong]

I'd get a list of boundaries for children and have them memorize it. Memorize it with them. Thehn you can have that knowledge together, even making a game of it...and be continually referencing it with them while she's here.

It's a great piece of parenting and will be the perfect secret antitode to being fairly busy and happy doing something so worthwhile and constructive with them.

Just don't let on that it has anything to with her...you're just having a very positive activity with your kids.

XO
Hops

[swimmer]

Tell husband and possibly stepdaughter ground rules of a respectful home.  Anyone who can't even try to follow the rules does not get to visit.  It should NEVER be about the abuser ( in this case stepdaughter spending time with your kids).  These ground rules will really help stepdaughter in her life, to build good people skills.  It's more painful for her to learn this out in the real world with people who may not love her.  I like the idea of having lots of activities and games planned, so the pressure is off.  Games give families a sort of practice at following rules that are neutrally set by someone else as well.

I would not give into this type behavior though.... If your husband isn't ready to take this bull by the horns, maybe they should go on a father daughter weekend away together.  If N's need to spread their "cheer" they can do it outside the home, as they really aren't happy anyways.  Why pollute a sacred, safe place for other people?

[teartracks]

Good counsel, Swimmer. 

tt

[JustKathy]

Hi Butterfly! How long is this visit going to be for? I absolutely agree with swimmer about setting ground rules. It's YOUR home, and guests, even family, need to be respectful of that.

Just a thought on your husband . . . have you two ever sat down with a therapist to discuss the issues with the Ns in your life? My husband never really took me that seriously when I told him stories about my NM, possibly because M did such a stellar job of acting the perfect mother in front of him, not to mention going to great lengths to win him over. I finally had him attend some of my therapy sessions with me. Once he heard about Ns from a therapist something "clicked." I think H believed what I told him, but didn't realize the extent of the abuse until it was verified by someone he considered an authority figure, or an expert on the subject. Hearing it from the T seemed to validate it, and he began to take it much more seriously after that.

[Butterfly]

Thank you, all, so much.  I am implementing your suggestions as best I can.

Teartracks - great idea.  I spoke to my neighbor and friend--she will bring her kids over for a diversion/welcome disruption.

Hop - I got an American Girl book on how to stand up for yourself and your friends - so the girls and I will be doing some of the exercises, etc.  Thanks! 

Swimmer - Okay - you're perspective helped a lot.  So, as a back up, I have an excursion planned to a nearby park if needed.  I will have to talk more to hubby about possibly moving the whole "party" so to speak out of the house. 

Just Kathy - H understands about my NM but is only starting to get it regarding his N daughter (who I believe has a borderline mother).  Yes, we were in therapy until we moved, so, I believe it is time for us to "re-enlist."   

Thanks everyone for taking the time to provide help and clear thinking.  I still get panicky when I have to confront an N.  Will that every go away?

Butterfly

[swimmer]

I'm not sure if life around N's changes overtime.  The step-daughter may really NEED you in some way, and the best way to do this is by example.  Just be a robot about sticking up for yourself and others in the family.  Sounds like your on the right track with your plans.  I've heard this about step-parents, they have to be good to everyone, and somehow the family value gets lost in pleasing a poorly parented child.

All in all, I think you can't go wrong with setting healthy family responses to undesired behavior.  Might feel weird, but if you are the leader in this, it's normal to feel a little uneasy about it.... Especially with a past with an N parent.  The serenity prayer is good for times like these.

All the best, I'll be thinking of you and and good vibes your way:)

Swimmer  

[bearwithme]

I couldn't agree more with all here.  For me, I would start with protecting my own children and also gearing them up to understand the situation (if age appropriate).  Then live it by example.  Show your children you require respect and follow through in the best way you know how to do because for sure, nobody gave you a manual on how to cope with an N stepdaughter and there are no perfect ways to go about it (IMHO).  No one is judging you, or should be for that matter.

Your step daughter may need a wakeup call as to who runs the house and who puts up with what in all fairness.  Of course, you have the tendency to do it with love and compassion that will ultimately kill her with kindness.  I know, easier said than done.  I wish you the best in this sticky situation.  I, too, am in a situation with my husband as to my "sticking up for myself" with certain people.  He'd much rather me be quiet and passive, the way he met my 19 years ago.  But I'm not that scattered-brain, insecure, self-loathing, passive, meek/mild little girl anymore.  Thank God.  He's going to have to adjust!

Good luck to you (((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))

Bear

[HeartofPilgrimage]

It must be really really hard to deal with this in a stepdaughter ... I deal with similar issues with a daughter my hubby and I SHARE and it is still hard! Not being on the same page is always hard, then add in the fact that she's his and not yours ... really really sticky.

I think being nonreactive is a good strategy (when you CAN be nonreactive). By this I mean, state your boundaries (what you will and will not tolerate) and keep your boundaries (take action when the boundaries are violated). I actually have made a Microsoft Word document outlining what I will and will not tolerate (for nobody's eyes but my own). It made me feel better to write down "I will not tolerate X" and "this is what will happen when personX violates this boundary." I have learned that boundaries are about me (what I will and will not do) not about them (because they won't abide by any stinkin' rules, will they?). It's kind of like the city wall in ancient time ... it was for the PROTECTION of the city, not to be mean to outside forces. It's just that when outside forces lay siege to the city, they found the wall there to thwart them. If they didn't like the injuries etc. that happened when they took a battering ram to the wall, well, that was up to them.

Ns like to get us riled up. So making a list (I password-protect my "boundaries" document, by the way, so that nosy people can't get into it) and deciding beforehand what will happen when your boundaries are violated might keep you from letting her get you angry. They love to get us angry because they can point a finger and say, "Look how out of control they are."