Residue from my childhood

[Logy]

Felt the need to share something that happened to me this week.  I woke up with terrible sinus pain, called my boss and left a message that I would be about an hour late (trying to wait for my sinuses to clear).  Still had the pain in my head after an hour, felt even worse, and called and said I would be in about noon.  When I got in my boss had an issue she wanted to talk to me about (unrelated to my lateness, it was about one of my direct reports).  I went over to talk to her and her first comment was "Did you just get in?"  I said yes.  Immediately the guilt came flooding over me.  I wasn't at work on time.  I felt her comment was to emphasize my lateness.  So now not only did I feel guilty for getting in late, but I felt my boss was criticizing me coming in late as well. 

Later in the day, she IM'ed and asked if I had a job interview that morning.  I said no, why?  She said I just looked at her funny when she asked if I had just got in.  I told her that I felt guilty coming in late and thought her comment was criticizing me for coming in late.  She told me "Ah, I would never make you feel guilty for feeling sick.  If you feel sick then you need to stay home."  Her comment brought tears to my eyes then, and just writing it now makes me want to cry.

So how is this residue from my childhood?  NM and enabling dad (sometimes I think he has N tendencies) played the guilt card constantly.  I was raised to feel guilty.  Guilty if I made them feel bad.  Guilty if I made them look bad (even if it was just the social faux pas of a 7 year old), guilty if I was sad ("What's wrong with you?"), guilty if I voiced my opinion ("Well, woo woo WOO!  Aren't you the important one!").

At 53 years old, I really thought I had gotten over this.  But an innocent comment out of the blue brought back a flood of emotion.  I'm grateful I have a boss who was direct and who then allowed me to talk about what I was feeling at the moment.

Logy

[swimmer]

Good for you Logy!  Nice story.  Also pat youslef on the back for putting yourself in the position of having a boss which is capable of respecting employees.

Swimmer

[Sealynx]

Yes Logy,
That is unfortunately exactly how it works. Thankfully your boss verbalized her concerns about what she percieved about your strange behavior. Our behavior must be hard for others to decode sometimes because it is based on feelings that don't logically follow from situations. It is the people who don't verbalize their perceptions  who slip through the cracks in our lives. I've often wondered how many good people I lost who misinterpreted my behaviors.
S

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Isn't it weird how stuff that happened so long ago still colors our perceptions? I recently started a new job, and there is a beautiful, tall, blond, thin woman in her 50s that is not exactly "over" me but has more seniority and more experience. She is really a wonderful person and is helpful, thoughtful, and kind. And the least little thing she says intimidates me (just for the record, I am short, need to lose some poundage, and NOT blond ). It is not her fault, when I mull over what happened I realize IT IS ME NOT HER.

[river]

Like people have said, what a nice piece of communication, honest, clear and kind. 
And probably things can, and always will touch a nerve.  I'd imagine, even with recovery, our histories dont go away, they're not meant to, but ~ even these emotions can be good.  Perhaps that little interaction because its such a contrast with the past can bring healing as well as a depth. 
...my 2 ps worth. 

[ann3]

Logy,

I really understand.  But, please realize the other side of the coin:  your Boss must really value you & respect you, otherwise, she wouldn't have said that.  She knows you are not a slacker, so if you say you are ill, she believes you.  You are credible & responsible.  You are a valuable member of the team.