Lightbulb moment...Thank you GS

[Overcomer]

As I was reading GS's onion thread I had an a-ha moment.  I believe, for me anyway, that when I allow myself to be in my mother's world, that I function as a poor, pitiful failure.  I never measure up to what she wants me to do.  I am less than she wants me to be.  I am worthless.  So for the past 16 years I have worked in a business WITH my mother.  No.  It wasn't WITH her, it was FOR her.  My presence allowed her to make me and others do the grunt work and she took all the glory.  I remember the first time I did not agree with her......she called me disrespectrful.

Aha.....no wonder I was always trying to get away from her.  Just being in her world made me crazy.  People couldn't believe I would leave a cushy job for a lesser paying one with more hours.  Now I know why.  To get ME back.

In HS I was my own person.  I was outgoing and talkative and irrereverant.  I got in trouble with the faculty because I had a "stick it" attitude.  They took me down and she wasn't there to catch me.  I spiralled from the lack of parental support.  However, 35 years later I am sick with cancer and all those friends are coming out of the woodwork.  I made an impact on them.  I was nice to them.  I made them feel special.  Wow.  I learned that my nmom cannot take away the feeling of love and support I am getting from my friends!!!

On another note, when I told her I would not work she told me since I will probably die before her maybe she could give me part of my inheritance now.....but guess how she wants to handle it?  She wants me to tell her what my monthly bills are so she can pay me monthly.  No big check so I can use it as I see fit, no she has to control it.  She also has to have me live paycheck to paycheck rather than give me some money and let me pay off my house or something like that.  See, trying to control until the end!

[JustKathy]

On another note, when I told her I would not work she told me since I will probably die before her maybe she could give me part of my inheritance now

OMG! What a horrible, negative thing to say! My NM used to do this all the time to my father. My father is ten years older than she is, and she was constantly making plans for living this fun life without him, on her own, with HIS money to use for her comfort. She would constantly say things like, "Since your father is going to die first, I don't want to buy new furniture. I'll wait until he's dead so I can pick out what I like." One year he wanted a painting of his home country as a Christmas gift, and she told me, "I'm going to try to find something that I like, because he'll be dead soon, so I want something that will still look good in the house after he's gone." She used to talk like this when he was right there in the room. She would tell him straight to his face to stop spending money, because he would be dead soon, and she would need the money for herself.

Well, karma kicked her good. She has inoperable cancer and will die before him. You never know what life is going to hand you. Your mother could be killed in a car accident tomorrow. Is she offering ANY emotional support at all in helping you fight your cancer, or has she just written you off? To just throw up her hands and announce that you're going to die first is beyond cruel. Prove her wrong Kelly. Fight this cancer. Outlive her! Don't listen to your NM - listen to your friends, your doctors, and your own inner voice. You CAN beat this. Don't let her tell you otherwise.

[Overcomer]

Well, I gave her permission to talk bluntly.  She was always so sing songy when talking to me.  I said, "Mom, you can be real with me."  So I think it was ok that she offered to give me some money......and I also understand that she doesn't want to give me too much because if I do die my husband will get it and that doesn't seem fair.  But, I have put up with her stuff for so many years figuring I would eventually get a pay back and now I have cancer so maybe the joke is on me.  The N wins.

[Izzy_*now*]

Dear OC

I really feel for you in your current situation, and am at a loss as to what to say under the circumstances.

The N does not always win. Your Mom could be one of the ones who doesn't, but dam* it all, we want control of our own lives.

I know about feeling like a failure, and that was around my entire family--the scapegoating of my siblings and lack of attention and guidance from my parents, by then dysfunction was our name and it came from their parents.

My daughter's N husband has the eldest son, but she has the other two. I also sued him for the $$ he owed me and it is all paid off--even though the debt was incurred just because he was married to my daughter. However his claiming it was a gift was definitely untrue and the court saw it my way.

Now if my daughter needed money, I would send, but not put myself in jeopardy. She's going to get it anyway. and I still have a claim for this very stupid accident of a year ago---dragging on and on, the longer, the larger the claim, I expect because I have already lost a year of my 'golden years' and a body part thrown away!

Think postively and live life to its fullest, as perhaps this too, will pass.  Can you just plain forget you NM and go entirely NC?

Good Health and Love
Izzy

[river]

I have had those moments:  'the N wins'.   Those are really dark, and in your situation I can see how that must look. 

I find myself seeking other ways to look at in your situation: 
 I have a child, and I know what it is to feel love for this person, isnt that one of the privilages of being trully human?   I have, in my disfunctionalness done things when he was little that were terribly harmful to him, and I live with the pain of regret, I guess this is the other side of love.  If your NM was to ever come to, and realise how she is behaving to the most valuable person in the world to her, her child, - I wouldnt like to be in her shoes, and if she never does wake up in this lifetime, (and it sounds like she probably wont), then this is even worse, she, unfortunately didnt really make it as a human.   Probably in some deeply hidden part of her she lives with this knowledge ~ not sure about the 'winning'.
 However one looks at it, you seem to be handling what you have to with great bravery, clear sightednss and courage and decency. 

On a practical level, is there a way to handle this without having to let her have control?  like suggest you dont tell her about your household finances but accept the money on a monthly basis, if that is what you'd like to do?  Or what are your feelings about NC?   

[Gaining Strength]

Identify that feeling that goes with that a-ha moment.  Hold on to it.  That is the "energy" that gives us life.  Try to have the feeling associated with that as you re"member" the point that you make about your mother holding on to control you.  When we can shift our energy out of that place where we are the victim and keep it in the place of being victor then we will be able to move forward.

I am talking to myself here as much as to you.  It is difficult to hold on but once we have experienced it that is where we can build up our strength.  Holding on to that feeling of victor in spite of their/her being who they are - victimizers.

Hold on Kelly.  I know we can do this.  I know we can.  Hold on and do not let go of that a-ha feeling.

[Overcomer]

That is it, GS.  It is getting out of their world.  What would your friends say about you?  Would they label you the same way your parents did?  I am sure not.

In high school I was the master at covering up my life.  I was so afraid of my parent and her judgment of me.  I had mouthwash and visine and perfume and makeup.  I would go party and then completely freshen up before I got home.  I would have someone tell me all about a movie so I could tell my mom the storyline of the movie I didn't go see.

I had to be phony around her then.  I wish I had moved far away from her years ago.  It would have been so much better to not have been joined at the hip with her for a better part of my life.

I think of the irony.  My mom had such a wonderful life in her 30s and 40s and wasn't about to give it up as she aged.  Now the gosh darned object of her affection is all she has left and the business is going down.  No dad.  No me.  My brother constantly lectures her about her priorities.  She has never had the right priorities.  She goes into work as an escape.

She used to escape being a wife and mother when her MLM company was exploding.  She couldn't wait to get away from all of us and our problems.

Even when the surgeon was talking to me about a major, life threatening surgery, she sat there.  I was balling my eyes out and she didn't shed a tear.....I just don't get her.

[Gaining Strength]

Even when the surgeon was talking to me about a major, life threatening surgery, she sat there.  I was balling my eyes out and she didn't shed a tear.....I just don't get her.

this is the Nism that is so hard to comprehend